I feel so bad for my children

[Ennuimortel]

Hello.
I have two daughters, 3 and 8 years old, whom I adore.
I am so angry with me for wanting to end my days knowing the suffering that I am going to make them endure.
It's horrible, I feel like a heartless monster ...
Every day I watch them thinking about what they are going to go through. I imagine them learning the news of my death and screaming and crying with sadness. They will not understand my act. It is terrible.
Maybe other people are in my situation? How do you deal with this?
I feel like I'm selfish and cowardly

 

[R_N]

What is your reason to ctb if I may ask?

 

[Jean4]

My opinion. You aren't ready. When you are, your children won't matter. Nothing will matter.

My partner CTB on Dec. 8. His pain was so great, it was more than the love he had for me or his kids.

 

[The nerd]

I agree with Jean. Give yourself some time on this.

 

[Ennuimortel]

What is your reason to ctb if I may ask?

My reason is because I hate myself.

My opinion. You aren't ready. When you are, your children won't matter. Nothing will matter.

My partner CTB on Dec. 8. His pain was so great, it was more than the love he had for me or his kids.

I am sorry for your partner.
I've been pushing away for the sake of my daughters for a while.
But I no longer have a taste for life. Everyday I think about dying and I know that sooner or later it's inevitable.

 

[Jean4]

My reason is because I hate myself.


I am sorry for your partner.
I've been pushing away for the sake of my daughters for a while.
But I no longer have a taste for life. Everyday I think about dying and I know that sooner or later it's inevitable.

Stan pushed me away for a week when he decided on his date. He ghosted me here. It was the worse thing he could have done and almost pushed me over the edge. He thought it would be the kindest thing. It wasn't. Be careful.

 

[R_N]

My reason is because I hate myself.

You shouldn't. Life is already cruel as it is, you aren't guilty of anything. You are just surviving like everyone else.

 

[MsMaudlin]

I'm sad that you hate yourself so much, but I do understand.
I have children and in the past when I have been almost ready to CTB, I thought my children would be better off without me.
Love and Peace ❤

 

[_Minsk]

sounds like a painful situation to be in for me, if you stay you suffer, if you go your children might suffer..
sending you hugs

 

[porfin1234]

If I may ask, why do you hate yourself? Did something trigger this?

 

[SonOfSam]

You should live for you, not your children. The world is a terrible place to be. They won't understand now, or maybe not for a long time, but eventually I think they would. Maybe you could write them something lengthy explaining your situation, tell them how much you love them but that you just can't go on. Have something made legally for them to be able to get the letter when they're older. I wouldn't leave them without a letter of some kind.

 

[Ennuimortel]

Thank you for your compassion

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

But I no longer have a taste for life. Everyday I think about dying and I know that sooner or later it's inevitable

Me too. I'm destined to ctb.

 

[AcornUnderground]

I'm in the same situation. I have a terrible disease and I can't stay. My kids are 7 and 9 and the sweetest most innocent children that need their mother. It's a disaster. I don't even want to go and I have to.

 

[ReadySince94]

I feel 100% torn due to my mental illness.. my BPD makes me feel guilty & almost selfish to do this to my daughter but then there is another part of me that feels like who gives a fuck.. the sad thing is people say you're not ready if you can still think about how other people will feel and when it comes to my 11 year old daughter the only thing that I question is "will she truly be okay once I leave" and when I think about that another day goes by and I'm still here forcing myself through pain.

 

[Ennuimortel]

I am back
Je suis de retour malheureusement...
I am back
Je suis de retour malheureusement...

 

[ClairyFairy]

Hey I hope you're ok

 

[Ennuimortel]

Hey I hope you're ok

Quite good
Thank you
I.hope you too

 

[logan]

I have 2 children of my own and can well understand your thoughts.

But the way you describe your situation, I still see hope.
Hating yourself certainly has a cause.
If you find it, maybe you can dissolve these thoughts and accept yourself.
And that would also be good for your children - they instinctively sense when you are not doing well.

 

[Ennuimortel]

Thanks Logan.
You are top

 

[puppet_nihilist]

You're not a heartless monster at all, life is just way too much pressure. Whatever led you into considering suicide at this stage of your life while also having children who need your care, love, and support is something inherently evil, it is the heartless monster and not you. You're just doing what you think is best for you or at least you're doing everything you can with respect to your capabilities to live a good life, who would ever dare fault you for that?

I hope you find peace wherever you think it lies for you, I hope we all find the answers we need.