apgpfk
#menhera
- Nov 28, 2023
- 156
after my friends cutting me off (it's a break but it feels like they cut me off forever) i can't help but feel like they threw me away even though only one of them told me they wanted time directly. one other told me it indirectly (via third party). i blocked the entire friend group because i guess i wanted some control. i didn't want to get hurt first so i cut them all off (with the intention of coming back one day).
when i felt better, i messaged a friend who didn't ask for space but I did end up blocking. i asked them if they're comfortable with me messaging them. they said they wanted space as well. i'm just wondering how many people i've hurt. i don't want to hurt them. i love them so much it fucking hurts to think about them not being a text away when i wake up. all of them can lean on each other and i can't because i hurt them. i feel so selfish for wanting to be hanging out with them again. its so painful to think about the fact that there's a possibility where they'll all move on and i'll be the only one still wanting to be friends again.
perhaps i shouldn't have messaged them that early. but i was genuinely showing signs of recovering and i wanted her to be proud of me. i'll respect her boundaries but it doesn't mean it fucking hurts so bad rn. i just want to be reassured that we can all go back to being friends again but they don't want to talk to me. and i'm getting so scared that they won't ever want to.
and i feel so selfish for even wanting their support or to lean on their shoulder when i've done clear damage to them. there's definitely some smaller issues we've both committed inbetween all the mess (that can definitely be mended) but i don't know if we could ever get to that conversation if they decide it's better that i'm out of their life. ofc, i'd respect that decision but again, i think i wouldn't have anything to live for anymore. maybe my parents, but i dont know.
i keep wondering about what it'd be like if i was never in their life. if i never joined their friend group. did i even contribute anything to the friendship? i wanted so eagarly to be happy with them but i think i'll have to settle with being happy seeing them happy from a distance. i don't want it to be a lesson i just want to be friends with them again.
when i felt better, i messaged a friend who didn't ask for space but I did end up blocking. i asked them if they're comfortable with me messaging them. they said they wanted space as well. i'm just wondering how many people i've hurt. i don't want to hurt them. i love them so much it fucking hurts to think about them not being a text away when i wake up. all of them can lean on each other and i can't because i hurt them. i feel so selfish for wanting to be hanging out with them again. its so painful to think about the fact that there's a possibility where they'll all move on and i'll be the only one still wanting to be friends again.
perhaps i shouldn't have messaged them that early. but i was genuinely showing signs of recovering and i wanted her to be proud of me. i'll respect her boundaries but it doesn't mean it fucking hurts so bad rn. i just want to be reassured that we can all go back to being friends again but they don't want to talk to me. and i'm getting so scared that they won't ever want to.
and i feel so selfish for even wanting their support or to lean on their shoulder when i've done clear damage to them. there's definitely some smaller issues we've both committed inbetween all the mess (that can definitely be mended) but i don't know if we could ever get to that conversation if they decide it's better that i'm out of their life. ofc, i'd respect that decision but again, i think i wouldn't have anything to live for anymore. maybe my parents, but i dont know.
i keep wondering about what it'd be like if i was never in their life. if i never joined their friend group. did i even contribute anything to the friendship? i wanted so eagarly to be happy with them but i think i'll have to settle with being happy seeing them happy from a distance. i don't want it to be a lesson i just want to be friends with them again.
