I feel numb, alone, no sense of self, no connection to others in any way, nothing good I have in my life to Identify with, no relationships, no job...

[Ineedtodie]

No friends. I can't even speak right to express my self because of a speech impedement which is giving me so much shame. Sitting alone, spacing out. Waiting for worse events to happen. What a joke!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are in such a dark and lonely place. Life is so cruel to some people and people can be so judgemental. I wish I knew what to say to help.

 

[Pentobarbital_Plz]

Yeah I don't even feel real, but I'm constantly reminded that I am and it freaks me OUT. I can't talk to anyone about anything cause there's nothing worth discussing. I try to just close my eyes and ignore it all but the thoughts and memories are always there. The disgusting sensation of internal organs and having a physical body in general is always there. It's horrifying how there is no escape

 

[Ineedtodie]

I'm sorry you are in such a dark and lonely place. Life is so cruel to some people and people can be so judgemental. I wish I knew what to say to help.

Thank you for your kind words. Its been indeed so cruel.

Yeah I don't even feel real, but I'm constantly reminded that I am and it freaks me OUT. I can't talk to anyone about anything cause there's nothing worth discussing. I try to just close my eyes and ignore it all but the thoughts and memories are always there. The disgusting sensation of internal organs and having a physical body in general is always there. It's horrifying how there is no escape

It feels unreal for me too, especially because the unvalidation is so heartbreaking. Why am I so muted? Why can't I speak out? Why I feel so repressed and heavy? I' m expected to act differently even slightly open nd communicative but I feel trapped in this heaviness I feel, in this shame. Its so damn easy for others to speak up their mind and communicate their needs where in contrast there is me. It so pathetic to even talk about. That's how much I feel unvalidated.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah, I feel this way too. I am so tired of being alone. There is an ache in my heart every day. It's just not fair that we have to live and feel this way.

 

[jodes2]

I'm so sorry my friend have you tried any meds for this? So sorry you're suffering so much

 

[idkwho]

I feel the same way too. I'm so sorry life's so harsh to you :(

 

[Ineedtodie]

I'm so sorry my friend have you tried any meds for this? So sorry you're suffering so much

Thank you. Appreciate your support. Meds does reduce anxiety but doesn't miraculously change your life circumstances or the consequences of your personal upbring...Idk what else to say when life become so harsh toward you nd so unforgiving and you're left to your fate. I asked I' m trapped, I' m weak, I suffer, I' m alienated, I ' m clueless and overwhelmed by my own. Well take meds go to a psychiatrist..well i did, well i have less anxiety now. Now you're fine , everything is fine, you have a fair shot like everybody else. No I don't everybody else been nutured supported acknowledged, included, socially secure one way or an other. Everybody else have a support network, allies, relationships. A sens of security nd belonging. Have an acknowledged social identity, where i have none. left to naviguate this chaos on my own from scratch in a cruel society dense in hate and malevalence. So what options are left for me? Sorry this emotional baggage is mine and only mine.

 

[jodes2]

Thank you. Appreciate your support. Meds does reduce anxiety but doesn't miraculously change your life circumstances or the consequences of your personal upbring...Idk what else to say when life become so harsh toward you nd so unforgiving and you're left to your fate. I asked I' m trapped, I' m weak, I suffer, I' m alienated, I ' m clueless and overwhelmed by my own. Well take meds go to a psychiatrist..well i did, well i have less anxiety now. Now you're fine , everything is fine, you have a fair shot like everybody else. No I don't everybody else been nutured supported acknowledged, included, socially secure one way or an other. Everybody else have a support network, allies, relationships. A sens of security nd belonging. Have an acknowledged social identity, where i have none. left to naviguate this chaos on my own from scratch in a cruel society dense in hate and malevalence. So what options are left for me? Sorry this emotional baggage is mine and only mine.

I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed by it all. I think it's mostly fixable, just takes quite a bit of time and effort. I'm convinced you could be happy with life if you gave recovery a really got shot, addressing whatever you can in life, one thing at a time. You might not be able to fix everything, and nothing quicky or easily perhaps, as you say there's no medication for a lot of problems. But I hope you won't rush to throw everything away. But it is up to you at the end of the day, and we'll support you whatever you choose to do, be it recover, wait and see, or CTB. Wishing you peace whatever you decide

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so dreadful how all this endless suffering continues to exist in this world and it must be so tiring feeling trapped in that situation, but I wish you the best. Life does just seem to be endless torment and problems, it's certainly such a cruel existence and the reality is that there is simply nothing fair about this life.

 

[SamTam33]

Thank you. Appreciate your support. Meds does reduce anxiety but doesn't miraculously change your life circumstances or the consequences of your personal upbring...Idk what else to say when life become so harsh toward you nd so unforgiving and you're left to your fate. I asked I' m trapped, I' m weak, I suffer, I' m alienated, I ' m clueless and overwhelmed by my own. Well take meds go to a psychiatrist..well i did, well i have less anxiety now. Now you're fine , everything is fine, you have a fair shot like everybody else. No I don't everybody else been nutured supported acknowledged, included, socially secure one way or an other. Everybody else have a support network, allies, relationships. A sens of security nd belonging. Have an acknowledged social identity, where i have none. left to naviguate this chaos on my own from scratch in a cruel society dense in hate and malevalence. So what options are left for me? Sorry this emotional baggage is mine and only mine.

I share all of the deficiencies you mentioned and one of the hardest things for me to accept is that I was one of the ill-fated, unfortunate ones.

It's not something I accepted all at once and there are many days where I still marvel at the fact that this is my life; that this is how things turned out.

No amount of pills or therapy is going to change what has transpired.

Medication doesn't transport you back in time. Therapy doesn't change who your parents are. Talking to someone doesn't correct your DNA.

Some of us will never be "fine." Not even close.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I share all of the deficiencies you mentioned and one of the hardest things for me to accept is that I was one of the ill-fated, unfortunate ones.

It's not something I accepted all at once and there are many days where I still marvel at the fact that this is my life; that this is how things turned out.

No amount of pills or therapy is going to change what has transpired.

Medication doesn't transport you back in time. Therapy doesn't change who your parents are. Talking to someone doesn't correct your DNA.

Some of us will never be "fine." Not even close.

I admit I' m also one of the ill-fated and unfortunate(personaly and geneticely) Factually for 3 attribute as Basis which collided to put me in a desavantagous positions and situations
1- simple speech impedement, rhotacism which I was mocked for years affected my self-estime alot. Developed so much shame from that.
2. I developed a slight chest deformity in my teens which added more shame and less self-esteem ( now its fixed, i had surgery for it but way later in life, just last year)

Those 2 factors somehow made me an outcast nd a target for bulling and more importantanly low self-worth. i basicly devalued my self.

3. If anyone asks my family what happens for instance why I developed mental illness or whatever, anxiety, depression etc..they would act cluless, they would reply no idea, we saw nothing coming. Basicly like i wasn't living among them. Complete unvalidation. Like those 2 formentioned factors wouldn't make life a least bit challenging at least in the best case senerios.

Basicly I was ignored like I wasn't even born and its so easy to ignore a helpless silent kid. They developed habit of completely ignoring me, every fucking member of them.

It insane and confused me for years nd finally understood that everybody is on his own in my family. Victim themself of life cruelty and insanity and our father abscence and mothers resentment for him and her wierd decisions . Yet somehow now they are all in Better place but me.

I guess I' m trully the weakest member and most unfortunate one of them. Being the youngest just make attention and care a a scarce currency. I also probably consumed all their struggle and harted silently.

Somehow I became the black sheep of the family.
NOT BEING ACKNOWLEDGED FOR NOTHING BREAK MYHEART LIKE I' M DOOM ND FAILURE BY DEFAULTS. MY SILENCE MAKE NO SENS.
MA LACK OF CONFIDENCE MAKE NO SENS.
ITS BEEN IN MY HEAD.

Long and complicated story that was never acknowledged because life is already tough for everybody. That's what they keep repeating.

Also I' m hated by all my neighbors because I' m always silent and avoidant of interractions.

Developed BDD at somepoint in early twenties which take more credit of my words because at this point I 'm labeled crazy so why listen.

I have AVP disorder as well. So toxic shame is my everyday tormentor.

Oh guess you can't have all that and not be the problem not the victim or whatever.

 

[Ineedtodie]

Yeah, I feel this way too. I am so tired of being alone. There is an ache in my heart every day. It's just not fair that we have to live and feel this way.

i just went out to buy a packet of cigarettes and had a coffee outside.(so I won't had to kill myself today). Damn it everybody know each other for years and I' m nobody, a mentally ill, regarded that way, lived in this place for over a decade but don't know anyone's name. Everyone has a place to go to, to feel welcomed and acknowledged. not me looked at like Complete stranger with negative judgement nd hate or ignored like a bad omen. Fuck mentall illness. Fuck my family. Fuck my luck. My fate been decided. The wierd thing despite all this negative energy I Don't hve the intention of killing myself. Why? Waiting for a miraclz orr smth. Why am I not ready? i have nothing to live for but shit tones of disgust nd hate toward me. Sorry Idk why I' m replying to your post. This my kind of ache and lonliness I guess. Sorry for yours.

 

[Reallysad]

No friends. I can't even speak right to express my self because of a speech impedement which is giving me so much shame. Sitting alone, spacing out. Waiting for worse events to happen. What a joke!

I'm the exact same it's awful and my 3 kids are gone and my ex gf hates me. just want a road out as this is not living

 

[murakamicats]

I'm sorry you're going through this

 

[MollerPlesset]

Thank you for your kind words. Its been indeed so cruel.

It feels unreal for me too, especially because the unvalidation is so heartbreaking. Why am I so muted? Why can't I speak out? Why I feel so repressed and heavy? I' m expected to act differently even slightly open nd communicative but I feel trapped in this heaviness I feel, in this shame. Its so damn easy for others to speak up their mind and communicate their needs where in contrast there is me. It so pathetic to even talk about. That's how much I feel unvalidated.

Hey at least you are good at writing. Maybe we need to write more and see where this goes. Kafka never published his stories but his best friend did (after his death) and some people find enjoyment in his writing.

 

[Himalayan]

ctb is also a goal

 

[CTB Fella]

No friends. I can't even speak right to express my self because of a speech impedement which is giving me so much shame. Sitting alone, spacing out. Waiting for worse events to happen. What a joke!

That's called depression, my friend.