Venting I feel myself spiraling

[J Tizzle]

I feel like I'm going crazy. Which I guess makes sense.

I've been on this forum for a few weeks now and have been mildly obsessed. Ctb feels like a real option after being here for a bit, I decided I wanted to ctb in February.

However, the last week has left me doubtful and confused. My family was weirdly supportive and gave me a ukulele for Christmas (which doesn't sound like a big deal but it's huge), and my friend gave me a professional wood burning tool. I made him something as a thank you, and I've now been commissioned to make a few pieces for someone else. These aren't very big things, but they were enough to make me doubtful of ctb.

At the same time, I've been involved in a 12 step community since I was 20 and it has been my biggest passion and support group. But in October I was sexually assaulted by a guy in the fellowship who I've seen way more than anyone should have to see their abuser. Despite his admittance, people have stood by him and cosigned his bullshit to the point where he thinks he did nothing wrong. I went to the New Years Eve party the fellowship put on, but I saw people that supported him and I saw my friends laughing and hanging out and dancing with them. And I'm so fucked up in the head right now, it made me furious. To the point where I sat in my car and self harmed. Now I feel like a dumbass for self harming.

Whats worse is now I've told a couple people about how I've been thinking about ctb, and I've talked about it to them way more than I should have. I was doing well not telling anybody, why the hell did I break and mention it? Now I'm withdrawing and scared to even be around people I've told.

So now every day is cloaked in intense ambivalence, where I swing back and forth between looking for places to rent with a friend to planning my ctb in a few weeks.

I feel fucking lost and broken and ridiculous. I don't know why I told anyone and I'm so annoyed I did. I don't know why I'm doubting ctb - I'm miserable.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

I think you should follow the positive things in your life and just try to ignore that guy since no one is doing anything. Play your ukulele. Move in with your friend. Ctb is so hard it's almost a myth.

 

[J Tizzle]

I think you should follow the positive things in your life and just try to ignore that guy since no one is doing anything. Play your ukulele. Move in with your friend. Ctb is so hard it's almost a myth.

I really want to ignore him but I'm diagnosed PTSD and its difficult as fuck. Its so bad whenever I see him. I think I gotta leave my fellowship, but it's the only thing that's honestly kept me from ctb all these years.

But I agree. I do better focusing on my uke and wood burning and things like that, so maybe I just need to find a new community to be involved in.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Is there another fellowship you could join? Could you join an online fellowship?

 

[TiredHorse]

I think I gotta leave my fellowship, but it's the only thing that's honestly kept me from ctb all these years.

It seems like now your fellowship is pushing you toward ctb --so from where I sit, it looks like it may no longer be helpful. As Jazzy suggests: Is there another fellowship you could join?

As a few people here are aware, I'm prone to seeing "signs and omens" relevant(?) to whether I live or die. From what you're describing, the unexpected appearance of a ukelele, a woodburning kit, and some artistic validation would definitely fall into that category for me.

Wow, do those swings sound miserable, though. I'm really, really sorry. I hope you can find some moments of calm where thoughts can flow a little more easily.

 

[J Tizzle]

Is there another fellowship you could join? Could you join an online fellowship?

I think that's a good suggestion, I think I'll start looking. It'll be hard to leave a place Ive spent most of my adult life, but it's probably the best thing now.

It seems like now your fellowship is pushing you toward ctb --so from where I sit, it looks like it may no longer be helpful. As Jazzy suggests: Is there another fellowship you could join?

As a few people here are aware, I'm prone to seeing "signs and omens" relevant(?) to whether I live or die. From what you're describing, the unexpected appearance of a ukelele, a woodburning kit, and some artistic validation would definitely fall into that category for me.

Wow, do those swings sound miserable, though. I'm really, really sorry. I hope you can find some moments of calm where thoughts can flow a little more easily.

I appreciate that, thank you. And that's really cool - the signs and omens. I like that a lot. Thank you, I'm going to think of them that way!

 

[TiredHorse]

I think that's a good suggestion, I think I'll start looking. It'll be hard to leave a place Ive spent most of my adult life, but it's probably the best thing now.

I appreciate that, thank you. And that's really cool - the signs and omens. I like that a lot. Thank you, I'm going to think of them that way!

My understanding is that changing fellowships can be one of the most difficult challenges you'll face --but that when a fellowship stops working, it's absolutely imperative. I wish for you all the strength and courage the Universe can send you!

My idiotic fascination with signs and omens has kept me alive at least six weeks longer than I intended --but on the other hand, here I am alive. Is that good? Is that bad? I think it's just where I am... I also went so far as to visit a witch I trust to ask her about them. I'm an atheist and skeptic, but it was a fantastic visit --far better than any therapy (and she has no legal requirement to report anyone suicidal)-- and no more woo-woo than the current state of psychiatry, so why not? She was sad I was considering ctb, but as she said, "death is part of life," and she was very level-headed in our discussion. Since I'm still stuck here at the crossroads, face in my hands, I may go see her again. I won't proselytize, but if you have the option, you might consider it.

 

[15dec]

I'm going to agree with TiredHorse on this one -it certainly sounds like your fellowship is more harm than good at this point and joining another one could make things much better for you. I'd also recommend cutting off anyone standing by and supporting your abuser, because you deserve better than that in your life. Get into your hobbies for a while, play your ukulele, follow up your commissions and make things for yourself too, if that would make you feel better. Wishing you the best J, hugs.

 

[J Tizzle]

My understanding is that changing fellowships can be one of the most difficult challenges you'll face --but that when a fellowship stops working, it's absolutely imperative. I wish for you all the strength and courage the Universe can send you!

My idiotic fascination with signs and omens has kept me alive at least six weeks longer than I intended --but on the other hand, here I am alive. Is that good? Is that bad? I think it's just where I am... I also went so far as to visit a witch I trust to ask her about them. I'm an atheist and skeptic, but it was a fantastic visit --far better than any therapy (and she has no legal requirement to report anyone suicidal)-- and no more woo-woo than the current state of psychiatry, so why not? She was sad I was considering ctb, but as she said, "death is part of life," and she was very level-headed in our discussion. Since I'm still stuck here at the crossroads, face in my hands, I may go see her again. I won't proselytize, but if you have the option, you might consider it.

I'm going to agree with TiredHorse on this one -it certainly sounds like your fellowship is more harm than good at this point and joining another one could make things much better for you. I'd also recommend cutting off anyone standing by and supporting your abuser, because you deserve better than that in your life. Get into your hobbies for a while, play your ukulele, follow up your commissions and make things for yourself too, if that would make you feel better. Wishing you the best J, hugs.

I appreciate you guys, thank you for the suggestions and support. The last few days I've focused on my hobbies and my friends. I found a good trauma therapist and I've been seeing her lately. I've started going to a different fellowship too. For the first time in a long time I've got some hope, and I'm thinking ctb might not be the option I should go for, at least not now.

Also, I appreciate the shared experience, TiredHorse! I'd love to try something like that.

 

[TiredHorse]

Well done, @J Tizzle! That's putting thought into action! A little hope can go a long way --hang onto it, if you possibly can.

It always vastly improves my day when I hear someone state that ctb is no longer their first choice. I am very, very pleased that you may have found a way forward that doesn't include death.

I'm glad you found my account of my experience worthwhile. I'm in a dive today, but I have scheduled another conversation with my witch on Monday. If I make it that long maybe she'll have something to level me out.

 

[I am ___________]

The guy who did that to you is a dick and a psychopath. Anyone that associates with someone like that is not a true friend of yours. To be honest in my opinion people like him deserve severe punishment. But the way our society/world works is that it glorifies people that do evil and wicked things to others. That is the sick type of world we live in, and the sick type of people we are forced to be around. It is why I really do hate this world, and myself included.

 

[15dec]

I appreciate you guys, thank you for the suggestions and support. The last few days I've focused on my hobbies and my friends. I found a good trauma therapist and I've been seeing her lately. I've started going to a different fellowship too. For the first time in a long time I've got some hope, and I'm thinking ctb might not be the option I should go for, at least not now.

Also, I appreciate the shared experience, TiredHorse! I'd love to try something like that.

That's really good to hear! I'm glad to hear you're doing better and I hope things continue to go well for you. Hugs and best wishes