Venting I feel myself slipping

[willitpass]

I'd found some grounding. I'd started to get my feet back under me. I never shook the feeling that I will one day CTB, but my suicidal thoughts had transitioned from constantly active to almost exclusively passive. I was able to experience happiness. The good days outnumbered the bad. I had some hope for my life. And the fear of self immolation had returned. That's all slipping again. I'm on the fast track to ending up in a shit spot. A freight train heading dangerously fast back toward the head space where setting myself on fire stops being terrifying and becomes something I can and will do. I'm still scared of it right now, but I can feel myself coming back to that space where burning to death sounds more tolerable than living in my head. The mental anguish one has to be in to think that way… Please god let my family know how much I loved them. How much I fought for them. I've tried so hard. So hard to live. So hard to be there. I did everything. But I can't seem to beat these demons in my mind.