Venting I feel more myself when I feel depressed.

[teqeri]

Does anyone else feel like when they are above the depression & the suicidal thoughts, when they have the energy to throw themself at life, and try their hardest to be their best, like there is still a hole in them? Despite giving your all? And then when you are on the other side of the hill, feeling warn down and exhausted from all the shit life throws at you that following depression makes you feel sad, yet whole?

I often feel like im wearing a mask and there is a piece of myself missing but after not feeling depressed and not visiting this forum for a good few years im back. However now that i lay in my sorrows the hole is filled. I feel that familiar comfort in knowing that i can die.

 

[losersclub]

I understand. My depression often comes in cycles, and when I am at my "normal", there is often this thought in the back of my mind telling me that its all fake, and I will truly never recover. I too, come to this forum every couple months, hoping to find comfort in my feelings, but everyone on here has either planned out their attempt, or are 100% sure they want to go through with their plans. My will to live however, is just as strong as my will to die, and I dont know how to cope with that. Im glad I could find someone with similar feelings, hopefully we will come to figure it out. Good luck my friend.

 

[teqeri]

My will to live however, is just as strong as my will to die, and I dont know how to cope with that.

So well put. Its sad how a few bad situations that were out of my hands can drag me back down to feeling so low after so much effort to try and live a positive life. That stupid & stubborn sense of hope, coming from that will to live that ive taught myself over the past few years, makes me think we can come to figure it out. But at the same time I feel so much more like myself, and at home when I stop trying. Thanks for your response i appreciated it. I missed this forum & forgot how nice it is to know others can feel what im feeling too.

 

[stupidhuman]

I can only speak about myself. When facing daily challenges (generally) my brain and my mind always (partly) cope in different ways. There are many moments in life were things just don't work out.
Often I cope and behave in a way that's not 100% authentic to myself. Sometimes in life it's like that.
Maybe there's a goal you want to achieve and there's different reasons why you cannot be authentic in that moment. Or maybe you're dysfunctional when it comes to daily stress coping / daily moments generally.
Whatever it is - Depression makes me drop all that fake shit I am putting upfront. There's no mask in depression. There's pure disinterest in anything (even life) which in turn makes me feel like I am my true self because it also feels like my suicidal intentions come from my heart kind off.
For me being suicidal also means something like: "I don't care". Which is kinda relieving for me aswell because I am a person that cares to much about stuff and doesn't know how to radically be an 100% authentic person when not suicidal.

I hope my gibberish makes sense.