I feel more like committing when things are going well

[cassvdega]

My life has been a trashy shitshow for a lot of years and I've been stuck on the idea of suicide since I was little. I don't think I was meant to live a whole life. Now that things are on the upswing, a healthy(?) relationship, a new job, fixed some burned bridges it feels more tempting than ever to go to sleep. Maybe I'll be remembered as in my prime instead of at my worst. No matter how good things are or how "happy" I am I can't shake the feeling this is time to say goodbye, finally. Every other time I've tried or thought about it my SI kicks in and I feel like there must be better out there but now I've seen better and as warm and fuzzy as it is I wanna go before my ideations and fragile mental health ruin it again. Anyone else?

 

[Brick In The Wall]

My life has been a trashy shitshow for a lot of years and I've been stuck on the idea of suicide since I was little. I don't think I was meant to live a whole life. Now that things are on the upswing, a healthy(?) relationship, a new job, fixed some burned bridges it feels more tempting than ever to go to sleep. Maybe I'll be remembered as in my prime instead of at my worst. No matter how good things are or how "happy" I am I can't shake the feeling this is time to say goodbye, finally. Every other time I've tried or thought about it my SI kicks in and I feel like there must be better out there but now I've seen better and as warm and fuzzy as it is I wanna go before my ideations and fragile mental health ruin it again. Anyone else?

I always toyed with the idea the most when things were going well. I think it was maybe a stress mechanism for me. But now that everything is going to shit it has gotten much more serious and I'm probably more likely to actually follow through now.

 

[noctiva]

Mine is similar as @Brick In The Wall said. I toy with the idea of going when everything is great, just.. you know that there's no hardship anymore and you basically depart 'on a high note'. But now that it's all broken and dark, it's most likely I'll actually follow through to not be in pain anymore.

 

[Lotus1818]

For me it's like I don't deserve this happiness. I wanna feel depressed so I have a reason to kill myself