Venting I feel more alone than I ever have

[everlastinghistory]

For years I've claimed I would commit. I've backed out of most attempts at the last second, and I can't keep doing that anymore. I finally made my decision. I set a date for roughly 7 months from now and I'm determined to stick to it no matter what. But honestly this decision has brought so much more loneliness than I ever knew before it. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this for obvious reasons and it's stressing me out. I feel like there's so much I have to do before I die. Not things I'll otherwise miss out on, but things preparation wise. I feel like I'm gonna procrastinate to the point that the date will get here and I won't even remotely be ready. I'm terrified. Not to die, but that I might be forced to live. What if someone stops me? And I can't tell anyone about any of these thoughts or feelings. I feel trapped. The one person it seemed like I could trust turned out to only be acting like I could trust her so she could report it if I ever seriously said I was gonna do anything. I have nobody left as any form of safe space. I thought she was okay with me making my own decision. She always seemed fine with it. Never showed anything else. Now I'm alone. Even more alone than I already was. At least before I had someone I could talk to. Now I feel like everyone says I can talk to them and I feel like it's a trap. Even if I remotely say I've ever been suicidal they'll freak out. I have nowhere to go. This entire situation is extremely overwhelming and I just wish I could fucking talk about it. That I didn't have to hide it. That I didn't have to live in a world that's so determined to stop me from making my own fucking decisions. I wanna be able to say what I wanna do without people freaking out. I hate this. I hate this more than words will ever describe. I haven't felt like this in years and I didn't think I ever would again. I wish I could just die without thinking it through at all but that's just not the type of person I am. Honestly I really just don't know what to do anymore. I can't go to anyone so I came to this site. I'm not looking for any sort of advice or anything. Just extremely frustrated with everything.

 

[Sunoo]

I'm so sorry, I also relate I've wanted to die for 5 yrs but I'm so scared about what's after death. Plus my old attempts failed due to my instincts and it just hurts. I wish there were an easy way out or maybe I don't want to die I just want a new life and I can understand how frustrating it is for you too.
If you need someone to talk to you can message me at anytime because I understand how it feels not having anyone to be there

 

[FuneralCry]

I hate how this society is so incredibly anti-suicide, it just leads to more suffering. It certainly is dreadful how people cannot be open about a decision they have every right to make without the risk of pro-life interference.