I feel like with every day I'm losing myself more

[Tionally]

At this point most of the time I'm daydreaming instead on focusing on real life. I make up scenarios in my head disconnect from my life.

I also don't feel much at this point. I've never felt many emotions because of my anhedonia but now with derealization I'm I'm even more disconnected from feeling anything.

I also don't care about anything. I remember not so long ago that I cared about some things. Some of my friends. I cared about drama in my life etc. But I don't think I so anymore. It all feels so far away. Everything that I once cared about seems insignificant now.

I don't feel like the future's coming. I exist in the constant state of present. I know that time flies but it doesn't feel like tomorrow and change ever's coming. I only think about the present not caring about the consequences of what I'm doing and what tomorrow brings.

I remember that I wanted to ctb in the last months because I was miserable but right now I'm kinda indifferent to that. I feel disconnected even from that. I don't care about dying. At least I think so.

It just feels like there's less of me left with every day.

 

[ADeadBunny]

I completely understand, I dissociate a lot too. I had something today remind me of an event that I thought to have happened half a year ago. Turns out today was 2 months. My mind constantly runs free and I cannot seem to focus of what's real. Although when I can focus on what's real, I remember what made me dissociate in the first place.

I'm so sorry that you've been forced to go through life like this. I hope you're able to find peace somehow.

 

[Ash’Girl]

When an episode of disassociation is starting for me it's usually that I've crashed mentally - it starts with a period of days to around a week where I am so depressed I find it difficult to venture out from under the duvet. I'm almost paralysed with some sense of terror that has no definitive source but duvet is "safe", outside is not. Then, because I'm locked into the necessity of working to keep a roof over my head, it's almost like my mind shuts down from everything bar autopilot. The terror alleviates, I disassociate and feel utterly numb but oddly it makes me more functional, at least on the surface. All the annoying politics of my job I cease to care about. I get up. I open the laptop. I don't stress and I do what I need to do like some sort of AI robot then I finish work, and go back to bed. My appetite goes. I sleep a lot. I have zero interest in socialising or anything much. Sleep. Work. Repeat. I've been like that of late. The weekend and Monday / Tuesday was the crash / terror. Since Wednesday came the disassociation but I'm flitting out of it a bit as the amount I've posted on here today alone is more than I've communicated with anyone in months.

I prefer sleep. I dream a lot and often I begin to confuse dream states with reality. My dreams are far superior to my reality though which makes me want to sleep more.

 

[MyLuckyStars]

My daydreams are mostly delusions of grandeur or suicidal ideation. Unfortunately, it's becoming increasingly apparent that the former will never happen, and that I lack the willpower to do the latter. At that point, all that's really left is going robot mode, like described here.

Then, because I'm locked into the necessity of working to keep a roof over my head, it's almost like my mind shuts down from everything bar autopilot. The terror alleviates, I disassociate and feel utterly numb but oddly it makes me more functional, at least on the surface. All the annoying politics of my job I cease to care about. I get up. I open the laptop. I don't stress and I do what I need to do like some sort of AI robot then I finish work, and go back to bed. My appetite goes. I sleep a lot. I have zero interest in socialising or anything much. Sleep. Work. Repeat.

 

[Sandy9]

Is When an episode of disassociation is starting for me it's usually that I've crashed mentally - it starts with a period of days to around a week where I am so depressed I find it difficult to venture out from under the duvet. I'm almost paralysed with some sense of terror that has no definitive source but duvet is "safe", outside is not. Then, because I'm locked into the necessity of working to keep a roof over my head, it's almost like my mind shuts down from everything bar autopilot. The terror alleviates, I disassociate and feel utterly numb but oddly it makes me more functional, at least on the surface. All the annoying politics of my job I cease to care about. I get up. I open the laptop. I don't stress and I do what I need to do like some sort of AI robot then I finish work, and go back to bed. My appetite goes. I sleep a lot. I have zero interest in socialising or anything much. Sleep. Work. Repeat. I've been like that of late. The weekend and Monday / Tuesday was the crash / terror. Since Wednesday came the disassociation but I'm flitting out of it a bit as the amount I've posted on here today alone is more than I've communicated with anyone in months.

I prefer sleep. I dream a lot and often I begin to confuse dream states with reality. My dreams are far superior to my reality though which makes me want to sleep more.

This pretty much sums up the last year for me to a T. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, but I'm very sorry you're going through it.

 

[Ash’Girl]

My daydreams are mostly delusions of grandeur or suicidal ideation. Unfortunately, it's becoming increasingly apparent that the former will never happen, and that I lack the willpower to do the latter. At that point, all that's really left is going robot mode, like described here.

I identify with that. Daydreams of impossible scenarios that may allow life to be somewhat "better", or daydreams of all the ways I could escape the fact realistically "better" isn't attainable. Hugs.

This pretty much sums up the last year for me to a T. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, but I'm very sorry you're going through it.

Ditto. Though in some ways I prefer the robotic monotony to the crippling emotional overload, but neither are really "living". Hugs.

 

[the_summoning]

Same. Feels like I'm not even a real person. I just feel like a sentient meat sack masquerading as a human being. Alive but not truly living.