I feel like there is no way to atone

[Tintypographer]

I feel the weight of every wrong thing I have ever done. I know I can be forgiven but I also feel "why bother"

Born into privilege, constantly justifying success while others didn't have opportunities. Knowing that not only do I deserve nothing, nothing I do will ever matter. I bet there were incredibly famous artists in Pompeii whose work and fame was incredible and in seconds it was wiped out and you know what, we don't know their names, we don't know what they thought, if they were good or bad, what relationships they had with their sisters or brothers or cousins or friends. None of it mattered at all and it was not just one of them, it was all at once and today we know there were 11000 people wiped out in seconds and even though that thriving town existed, did anything that a specific person did matter now? Can we honestly say "I'm so glad that Gaias from 79 ad had such nice things to say about his grandmother" or "little cleo did so well at her school choir performance". We can roll through billions of people who if they had committed suicide would not have had any impact at all as a ripple 100, 200, 500 years later. I don't want to think about any rationalization. I don't want to think about "just one thing I could do better to improve my relationships." I want someone to prove to.me that any of these tiny things we have to try and force ourselves to be happy about will matter at all in 100, 200 or 500 years especially if we want nothing to do with other people, we don't want to be productive and we don't want to be part of society at all. This is why I want to die. There is a future and truthfully it doesn't matter at all in the scope of now or 1000 or 10000000 years from now.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

The world is only for the living. The future, at any given time, only matters to those living at that time.

 

[makethepainstop]

Dear God to be born into privilege, oh GOD why couldn't this have been for me!
I can appreciate seeing the Mona Lisa, yet I shall never get to go to the museum where it is displayed to see it. I can appreciate the engineering of a Lamborghini diablo, yet I shall never get to ride in one let alone own and drive one. I can appreciate the fit and quality of Cavaricci blue jeans, yet I have never owned any. I appreciate the comfort of having very large sums of money and the comforts such wealth can provide, yet I can have neither. I am transported with joy when I see good custom jewelry, yet I have only silver. I would have loved to be able to have learned how to play the piano and guitar, act, and sing, yet I have had to work since I was 12. How I would have loved to fly to Monte Carlo and play blackjack in their casinos, not going to happen. Or say eating, I have rarely been able to enjoy such things as fired scallops, filet mignon, prime rib, lobster tails... I weep for those who could have gained and possessed all of those things I can never have and did not appreciate them. I mean like damn! To be born into a rich family, DEAR GOD WHY DIDNT YOU GIVE ME THIS I REALLY WOULD HAVE APPRECIATED IT!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Dear God to be born into privilege, oh GOD why couldn't this have been for me!
I can appreciate seeing the Mona Lisa, yet I shall never get to go to the museum where it is displayed to see it. I can appreciate the engineering of a Lamborghini diablo, yet I shall never get to ride in one let alone own and drive one. I can appreciate the fit and quality of Cavaricci blue jeans, yet I have never owned any. I appreciate the comfort of having very large sums of money and the comforts such wealth can provide, yet I can have neither. I am transported with joy when I see good custom jewelry, yet I have only silver. I would have loved to be able to have learned how to play the piano and guitar, act, and sing, yet I have had to work since I was 12. How I would have loved to fly to Monte Carlo and play blackjack in their casinos, not going to happen. Or say eating, I have rarely been able to enjoy such things as fired scallops, filet mignon, prime rib, lobster tails... I weep for those who could have gained and possessed all of those things I can never have and did not appreciate them. I mean like damn! To be born into a rich family, DEAR GOD WHY DIDNT YOU GIVE ME THIS I REALLY WOULD HAVE APPRECIATED IT!

I had a taste of all that but no longer…

 

[makethepainstop]

I had a taste of all that but no longer…

That probably hurts more than those of us who never enjoyed such things. Im sorry those must have been delightful times.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

This is entirely subjective, and you're taking your own perspective when it makes more sense (imo) to take theirs. Then, you're doing the opposite when it comes to contemporary people.

Another thing, flip the charge and maybe you'll see some meaning in things. I can't feel much about good things, but bad things can get to me. And I think that's what it's about, feelings make us ascribe importance.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

That's why it is up to you, or any one of us, to decide whether it is worth living naturally as long as we can for the sake of life and what it offers.

 

[Tintypographer]

It isn't money or things. The things are all crap. When I say privilege I mean that I grew up solid middle class in the USA which means that I'm better off than 98 percent of the world with no home of food living squalor. It doesn't matter. My life in 1000 years won't matter, a poor baby born in Bangladesh in a cardboard shanty living for 10 min without prenatal care won't matter. Our planet gets destroyed tomorrow through some catastrophe we can't imagine won't matter at all. We are organic pain collectors racing for olbivion with no more consequences of our actions on any scale as individuals than anything else in the universe. My complaints don't matter and my thoughts on it don't matter. We live in a world of small concerns magnified into huge problems, distrust, cruelty, powerlessness, hopelessness and insignificance. The race for all is to make everyone as irrelevant as possible. Your value to anything in the universe is statistically zero, in fact so close to zero that suicide or not won't matter in 1000 years.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so true that nothing we could do could ever really matter. We only exist all for no purpose just to die anyway and be forgotten about. Things may seem important to people now but they eventually can't be as one would need a consciousness to care about anything. The non existent have no concerns and nothing could matter to them. Maybe people push the idea that life has meaning as they fear insignificance, maybe it's hard for people to accept how meaningless their lives really are as this existence is all that they know. And in general, a lot of people fear death. But all that I want is to be completely forgotten about, like I never existed at all.

 

[Tintypographer]

That's how I feel. I would love to be simply forgotten. I would love for so many things around me to be just let go. Stop caring about causes, about awareness, about trying to "remember the past" or "never forget". None of it matters. We don't have any impact. We can be in charge of a few people. We can even hurt of help others around us but that only matters if you try and believe it matters. In 1000 years if a person commits suicide then it won't have had an impact. Things will move on. There won't be a news story about the loss, the people who remember won't think that someone was selfish, this forum won't matter, all the crying and fussing won't matter. It's all simply people trying to be relevant in the face of not mattering at all. Society is neither good nor bad. It's all just meaningless junk in the face of history. You are simply a bunch of molecules held together by a few atomic forces, a lucky set of points in the universe capable of sustaining self organization of those molecules for a short time and then you will be dead. On a universe time scale we can't count the percentage of time you ahbe existed and the amount of time that will continue after you are dead and no longer remembered is infinitely bigger. Forgetting me would be the greatest gift the universe could give.

 

[makethepainstop]

All who have posted here have made many good comments. Each has his or her points. Very well spoken, indeed!