my endless blue
maybe in the next life, right?
- Apr 22, 2023
- 31
I feel like nothing, tiny, so fucking minute, an absolutely waste of everything I am. I don't have much left, even though i'm (22) so young. I wish I could be and live like the person I love, but I can't
Can't fight anymore knowing how inferior I am. I feel inferior fo everything, to everyone, my father, older brother, my best friend and the person I love. All of them share one thing in common: They never gave up, they always passed through serious hardships but they never gave up like I did. I feel like it's too fucking late for me to do ANYTHING. Even love or be loved.
Talk to the person I love is what I like the most and she conforts me when she shows hope in myself, but when i compare myself to her, it's like i'm just a child. I'm nothing like her. I can't be like her, because i'm so tiny and scared of everything, i'm such a big amount of nothing, fears, insecurities, blood drops and tears. I love her so much and we have been friends for a long time. She apparently likes me back (idk how), but she doesn't want anything serious for now, because she suffered a lot with a toxic past relationship. She helped me too with a past relationship of mine and we've been like that: "healing" each other or something like that. I try to be a good friend for her, because I really wish her the best and nothing but the best, and she's also have been best friend for so long that we can "understand" each other very very well. I don't really want her to match my feelings, because i'm REALLY not by her side focusing on this. But I do feel something very strong for her, and i truly wish we could be together. But yeah, I understand her side and always will. She's way bigger and "more" than me but the problem is: She doens't push me away neither. It's like. I love her. She likes me back. She can't match my feelings because i'm fucking nothing. I understand her. But she still keeps me close to her, sometimes flirts with me and stuff. I really wish i could not, but i feel like a toy in her hands. It hurts even more when we have deep talks and I have to pretend that i'm not planning on killing myself. It hurts like hell to lie to her. And i feel like a fucking pathetic piece of filthy for loving so much someone i cant have, because i'm this. I truly love her but, well, she will probably find someone better than me sooner or later and it's gonna hurt even more.
As for my family, the relationship with my father has never been worse. We barely talk or look at each other anymore. I miss my old guy but we are both very different people today. Changes sucks. Living sucks. My brother and i fight sometimes. I'm a very difficult guy to deal with lol. See, my family has been pretty shitty since i was a kid. My parents used to fight all the time because of my (now recovered) drug addicted brother, and I used to see a lot of bad things, bad fights mainly. Grew up thinking all of our problems were my fault, feeling inferior for being myself, for being born in this awful family, hurting myself phisically and mentally, and then, when I was 17, my mother went back to her hometown. I truly miss her. And things didn't really got better without her. It's just, everything just got grey, and empty, and just "it". I grew up a very difficult guy to deal, grumpy, closed and dominated by anxiety and depression.
I wish I could go back in time, undo some mistakes and forgive myself for the things I did, for the people I hurt. Take other path of choices, keep with some good friends I broke up because of depression, miss them like hell but now it's too late for that. They knew me better than anyone, and I wish they could be here to understand me just one more time. I don't know, everything feels so fucking grey and empty and quiet and not-worth-the-trouble-of-living.
Anyways, I wish i could be good for her, for myself, for my family, my best friend, my hopes and dreams but i'm not. I don't have the energy, the will, i'm not strong. And when I think of it, I just want to die, but the people I love maintain me here. I think about killing myself all the time, but when i'm close to it, i can't, because i'm a coward. I'm nothing more or less than it. Not a strong guy, a good guy, or a dreamer. I'm just a coward who wants the best for the ones I love.
I wish I could be like them. I'm so sorry for the long ass text, i'm really drunk and tired, and sorry for my shitty english as well. I'm brazilian (i'm sorry about that lol, one more thing to make me feel inferior)
Can't fight anymore knowing how inferior I am. I feel inferior fo everything, to everyone, my father, older brother, my best friend and the person I love. All of them share one thing in common: They never gave up, they always passed through serious hardships but they never gave up like I did. I feel like it's too fucking late for me to do ANYTHING. Even love or be loved.
Talk to the person I love is what I like the most and she conforts me when she shows hope in myself, but when i compare myself to her, it's like i'm just a child. I'm nothing like her. I can't be like her, because i'm so tiny and scared of everything, i'm such a big amount of nothing, fears, insecurities, blood drops and tears. I love her so much and we have been friends for a long time. She apparently likes me back (idk how), but she doesn't want anything serious for now, because she suffered a lot with a toxic past relationship. She helped me too with a past relationship of mine and we've been like that: "healing" each other or something like that. I try to be a good friend for her, because I really wish her the best and nothing but the best, and she's also have been best friend for so long that we can "understand" each other very very well. I don't really want her to match my feelings, because i'm REALLY not by her side focusing on this. But I do feel something very strong for her, and i truly wish we could be together. But yeah, I understand her side and always will. She's way bigger and "more" than me but the problem is: She doens't push me away neither. It's like. I love her. She likes me back. She can't match my feelings because i'm fucking nothing. I understand her. But she still keeps me close to her, sometimes flirts with me and stuff. I really wish i could not, but i feel like a toy in her hands. It hurts even more when we have deep talks and I have to pretend that i'm not planning on killing myself. It hurts like hell to lie to her. And i feel like a fucking pathetic piece of filthy for loving so much someone i cant have, because i'm this. I truly love her but, well, she will probably find someone better than me sooner or later and it's gonna hurt even more.
As for my family, the relationship with my father has never been worse. We barely talk or look at each other anymore. I miss my old guy but we are both very different people today. Changes sucks. Living sucks. My brother and i fight sometimes. I'm a very difficult guy to deal with lol. See, my family has been pretty shitty since i was a kid. My parents used to fight all the time because of my (now recovered) drug addicted brother, and I used to see a lot of bad things, bad fights mainly. Grew up thinking all of our problems were my fault, feeling inferior for being myself, for being born in this awful family, hurting myself phisically and mentally, and then, when I was 17, my mother went back to her hometown. I truly miss her. And things didn't really got better without her. It's just, everything just got grey, and empty, and just "it". I grew up a very difficult guy to deal, grumpy, closed and dominated by anxiety and depression.
I wish I could go back in time, undo some mistakes and forgive myself for the things I did, for the people I hurt. Take other path of choices, keep with some good friends I broke up because of depression, miss them like hell but now it's too late for that. They knew me better than anyone, and I wish they could be here to understand me just one more time. I don't know, everything feels so fucking grey and empty and quiet and not-worth-the-trouble-of-living.
Anyways, I wish i could be good for her, for myself, for my family, my best friend, my hopes and dreams but i'm not. I don't have the energy, the will, i'm not strong. And when I think of it, I just want to die, but the people I love maintain me here. I think about killing myself all the time, but when i'm close to it, i can't, because i'm a coward. I'm nothing more or less than it. Not a strong guy, a good guy, or a dreamer. I'm just a coward who wants the best for the ones I love.
I wish I could be like them. I'm so sorry for the long ass text, i'm really drunk and tired, and sorry for my shitty english as well. I'm brazilian (i'm sorry about that lol, one more thing to make me feel inferior)
