I feel like my suicide would be selfish, but I can’t keep living like this

[everlastinghistory]

This post is basically just a rant.

There's one person left who I truly love and care about. She made me promise her that I would never kill myself. I want to keep that promise. I really do. But at the same time, things aren't quite that simple.

Recently I've been considering suicide a lot more seriously than I used to. I came up with a real plan, or at least the basis of one. I still haven't figured out the details. I haven't been planning much of anything since I made that promise.

I really do love this girl, and want to keep that promise more than anything. However, things are complicated. The only thing that was giving me a reason to stay alive is gone now.

For further explanation: I'm not dating the girl I previously mentioned. I want to, but I'm not, and most likely never will. The reason I wanted to stay alive was that I thought maybe she would change her mind some day. More recently she has made it very clear that will never happen. Don't get me wrong, I don't just want to kill myself because of the fact that we can't be together. There are many, many, factors. This is just the one that pushed me over the edge for the last time.

I was 14 the first time I tried to kill myself. I've always known my life was going to end that way. She is by far not the only thing that caused this. She is 1% of this. Maybe even less.

I don't want to leave her with the weight of my death being on her. I don't want her to blame herself if I do this. I don't want her to think she could've stopped me, or anything like that. I hate the idea of her feeling guilty for something that was hardly even her fault. If not her, something else would've tipped me over the edge sooner or later. It was purely a matter of time.

My life isn't enjoyable in any way anymore. I go to school, and do what I have to do to survive. That's it. What's expected of me, and what's required of me. Nothing else. The remainder of my time is spent here, and Twitter. I don't have friends, and I've never exactly been the closest with my family. I have no hobbies. I watch the same 3 TV shows on repeat 24/7. This isn't a life worth living. I'm living for the sake of those around me. I'm living so that girl won't blame herself for my death. I'm living because my mom has lost too many people already and she can't lose her own child. Not now. She just lost her brother a few years ago. I can't take her child away from her too.

But the fact of the matter is no matter who it would effect: Suicide seems like my best option. I don't want to hurt people, but I'm not sure what else to do. I want to commit, but I don't want to hurt people in the process, and unfortunately there's no way to avoid that.

 

[eternapeace]

This post is basically just a rant.

There's one person left who I truly love and care about. She made me promise her that I would never kill myself. I want to keep that promise. I really do. But at the same time, things aren't quite that simple.

Recently I've been considering suicide a lot more seriously than I used to. I came up with a real plan, or at least the basis of one. I still haven't figured out the details. I haven't been planning much of anything since I made that promise.

I really do love this girl, and want to keep that promise more than anything. However, things are complicated. The only thing that was giving me a reason to stay alive is gone now.

For further explanation: I'm not dating the girl I previously mentioned. I want to, but I'm not, and most likely never will. The reason I wanted to stay alive was that I thought maybe she would change her mind some day. More recently she has made it very clear that will never happen. Don't get me wrong, I don't just want to kill myself because of the fact that we can't be together. There are many, many, factors. This is just the one that pushed me over the edge for the last time.

I was 14 the first time I tried to kill myself. I've always known my life was going to end that way. She is by far not the only thing that caused this. She is 1% of this. Maybe even less.

I don't want to leave her with the weight of my death being on her. I don't want her to blame herself if I do this. I don't want her to think she could've stopped me, or anything like that. I hate the idea of her feeling guilty for something that was hardly even her fault. If not her, something else would've tipped me over the edge sooner or later. It was purely a matter of time.

My life isn't enjoyable in any way anymore. I go to school, and do what I have to do to survive. That's it. What's expected of me, and what's required of me. Nothing else. The remainder of my time is spent here, and Twitter. I don't have friends, and I've never exactly been the closest with my family. I have no hobbies. I watch the same 3 TV shows on repeat 24/7. This isn't a life worth living. I'm living for the sake of those around me. I'm living so that girl won't blame herself for my death. I'm living because my mom has lost too many people already and she can't lose her own child. Not now. She just lost her brother a few years ago. I can't take her child away from her too.

But the fact of the matter is no matter who it would effect: Suicide seems like my best option. I don't want to hurt people, but I'm not sure what else to do. I want to commit, but I don't want to hurt people in the process, and unfortunately there's no way to avoid that.

Hey, my situation is similar. Except that I do want to ctb because I don't believe the girl I love and I will ever be together.

My plan to not let this girl feel guilty is by telling a lie that's close to the truth (or maybe it's simply telling the truth). I will request my family members (in my suicide note) to tell anybody that asks where I've gone/anybody that's looking to contact me that I've "traveled somewhere far away in search of peace/happiness". My situation's a little easier to handle because I've voluntarily socially isolated myself for years anyway, so if I suddenly disappear nobody would really notice anyway.

 

[noaccount]

Honestly decisions of living-vs-dying are decisions you deserve to get to make selfishly. Like, for-yourself. It's your life. What makes me sadder than anything is when I see people suicidal out of a sense of having failed others, or having failed according to someone else's standards that have been imposed on them, or having internalized abusive messages aimed at them. I mean I hope you can find relief in life, or some experiences less painful than suicide, but whatever you decide you deserve to look at it in terms of your own well-being not just what others want.

 

[Zegers]

Sometimes it's the most logical option, you're right. My situation is similar, try to do things but i just plan what needs to happen for things to really get better or for the non-sense to end.

Good luck in whatever you do.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I agree with @noaccount that suicide is supposed to be a selfish decision. It is about you, and you alone, and what is best for you. The most important person in the world that you owe anything to is yourself. Whether that is giving it all you got to fix the things in your life that need fixed and getting on with living and finding some happiness for yourself or, making the decision that you'll be better off not being in this world anymore, it has to be your decision based on what is best for you, and no one else. You can't live your life for someone else. You'll never find your happiness that way.

 

[TydalWave]

I resonate with your story more than you can possibly know... I've lived this story, and stayed in this world with the same intentions for different people. I wish I had experience to give you that was worth taking, but in writing this, I'm obviously still here, in this world, for the reasons you stated.

The only advice I can give you is what was offered to me... which is that suicide is by nature a selfish act and one that you ultimately would have to come to terms with. It is selfish in the sense that is a decision we all have to make for what is in our best interest, not the best interest of others. This is important because we did not consent to be born into these lives--we were simply brought into existence. And as many of us on this site have described, our existence isn't always blissful.

For many of us, we were brought into a life of suffering. The choice to end that suffering is what I believe makes us human. It is the ultimate act of free will. So yes, I agree CTB is a selfish act; but, I believe it is important it remains a selfish act as it should be difficult. Especially if you are young, it is important that you weigh this decision with all of the factors you mentioned, because for some people, things can get better.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in and it must be hard to deal with. I personally think that nobody should be guilt tripped and forced into staying here by other people.
Only the individual is experiencing their life so therefore others shouldn't have any say in it, it's a personal decision when to leave that can only be made by the individual. I guess all that someone could do to try and make ctb a bit easier on others is to write a note to give some sort of explanation and understanding so that others don't blame themselves.