Thisgirlwantstosleep
A pointless life had in a pointless world
- Mar 11, 2019
- 129
(should read my other posts for context)
The mental health services have ghosted me yet again. They were supposed to speak to me last Wednesday, didn't hear anything. Sent a message on Friday about how bad I'm doing, and still I'm hearing nothing today.
I feel extremely suicidal.
Got sent a message from my mum about how my younger brother is having trouble on a cooking course that he's doing and they want to speak to her.
He's always been troubled, something I'll probably right about in another post. Anyway we don't know what the problem is with him, whether he's autistic or has ADHD. Has been kicked out of numerous institutions. Read my other posts for context. There was also a chance that he was possibly molested at his nursery but that investigation didn't go anywhere.
My mums exasperated because nothing seems to work even though she tried really hard. Ever since he was born it's like her personality switched, not because of post partum or anything but because his behaviour has always been very difficult to deal with. She's always snappy and depressed and pretty much doesn't have time for me, even though I need the support of a parent because if all of my own issues.
My mum talks about how she feel suicidal because her life has always been awful and that in turn makes me feel bad. (She was abused by her mum to the point she walks with a limp, absentee father, my crazy uncle broke her nose other crazy uncle used to lock her and the rest of her siblings in a room with just a bucket to go toilet into, my woman beating dad)
Not to mention my younger brothers dad who is verbally abusive and never really wanted anything to do with my younger brother. My mum went over to his house when my younger brother was first born and he kept pushing her until she nearly dropped him.
They're in a toxic relationship because my mum can't handle my younger brothers behaviour by herself but truly I think she just doesn't want to be alone.
I'm not strong enough cut off my family and make it on my own (surviving off of benefits which is very finicky. Most people don't want to rent to you when you're on benefits especially when you're someone my age. My plan was to move back in with family because renting is very stressful when you have mental health issues for various reasons, will probably have to be another thread) so I have to depend on them which makes me feel worse, especially because they're not always the nicest to me.
II feel like I should kill myself because I don't have anyone to talk to other than my mum and I typically make her feel worse. Things would honestly be better if I was dead.
I just look at my mum and feel angry because shitty men have essentially ruined her life and I feel powerless to it.
(People that have been abused are very likely to be in abusive relationships).
Really and truly I hate the both of my brothers and resent them. My life would be stress free and better without them, from having to always be around and look after my younger brother to the awful home environment that my abusive older brother created.
I often fantasise about an alternate universe where its just me, my mum and my older sister.
Truly I hate all of my family. I'm tired of being attached to misery and dysfunction. I would kill to be an older child to two wealthy parents where I didn't have to worry about the things that I do.
Not to mention my personal life is fucking shit.
I've been extremely socially isolated my entire life, have had to deal with bullying and exclusion because I'm ugly. No friends, no relationship experience ever, no sexual experience, have never gone on any fun holidays (only went once with my mum for her birthday and it was ruined because of racism), I generally get treated like shit by people irrespective of context. (online, offline, by strangers, friends when I had them, even medical professionals both doctors and mental health workers)
My future looks fucking terrible. I'm going to end uo developing sleep apnoea unless I get jaw surgery and I obviously can't, and will never be able to afford it. People of my ethnicity are at a record high of unemployment and that's the people that don't have mental health issues. People with mental health issues particularly BPD are typically unemployed or have low paying jobs. It's extremely hard to make friends as an adult as it is and I'm lonely and a fucking loser.
I probably will never be able to afford my own property unless I move to the middle of nowhere which will make my depression even worse. Not to mention I'm worried about friendships and dating prospects. I can't live a life where I just go to a shitty job an then sit in silence by myself at home.
Suicide seems like an inevitability for me.
I hate my reality.
The mental health services have ghosted me yet again. They were supposed to speak to me last Wednesday, didn't hear anything. Sent a message on Friday about how bad I'm doing, and still I'm hearing nothing today.
I feel extremely suicidal.
Got sent a message from my mum about how my younger brother is having trouble on a cooking course that he's doing and they want to speak to her.
He's always been troubled, something I'll probably right about in another post. Anyway we don't know what the problem is with him, whether he's autistic or has ADHD. Has been kicked out of numerous institutions. Read my other posts for context. There was also a chance that he was possibly molested at his nursery but that investigation didn't go anywhere.
My mums exasperated because nothing seems to work even though she tried really hard. Ever since he was born it's like her personality switched, not because of post partum or anything but because his behaviour has always been very difficult to deal with. She's always snappy and depressed and pretty much doesn't have time for me, even though I need the support of a parent because if all of my own issues.
My mum talks about how she feel suicidal because her life has always been awful and that in turn makes me feel bad. (She was abused by her mum to the point she walks with a limp, absentee father, my crazy uncle broke her nose other crazy uncle used to lock her and the rest of her siblings in a room with just a bucket to go toilet into, my woman beating dad)
Not to mention my younger brothers dad who is verbally abusive and never really wanted anything to do with my younger brother. My mum went over to his house when my younger brother was first born and he kept pushing her until she nearly dropped him.
They're in a toxic relationship because my mum can't handle my younger brothers behaviour by herself but truly I think she just doesn't want to be alone.
I'm not strong enough cut off my family and make it on my own (surviving off of benefits which is very finicky. Most people don't want to rent to you when you're on benefits especially when you're someone my age. My plan was to move back in with family because renting is very stressful when you have mental health issues for various reasons, will probably have to be another thread) so I have to depend on them which makes me feel worse, especially because they're not always the nicest to me.
II feel like I should kill myself because I don't have anyone to talk to other than my mum and I typically make her feel worse. Things would honestly be better if I was dead.
I just look at my mum and feel angry because shitty men have essentially ruined her life and I feel powerless to it.
(People that have been abused are very likely to be in abusive relationships).
Really and truly I hate the both of my brothers and resent them. My life would be stress free and better without them, from having to always be around and look after my younger brother to the awful home environment that my abusive older brother created.
I often fantasise about an alternate universe where its just me, my mum and my older sister.
Truly I hate all of my family. I'm tired of being attached to misery and dysfunction. I would kill to be an older child to two wealthy parents where I didn't have to worry about the things that I do.
Not to mention my personal life is fucking shit.
I've been extremely socially isolated my entire life, have had to deal with bullying and exclusion because I'm ugly. No friends, no relationship experience ever, no sexual experience, have never gone on any fun holidays (only went once with my mum for her birthday and it was ruined because of racism), I generally get treated like shit by people irrespective of context. (online, offline, by strangers, friends when I had them, even medical professionals both doctors and mental health workers)
My future looks fucking terrible. I'm going to end uo developing sleep apnoea unless I get jaw surgery and I obviously can't, and will never be able to afford it. People of my ethnicity are at a record high of unemployment and that's the people that don't have mental health issues. People with mental health issues particularly BPD are typically unemployed or have low paying jobs. It's extremely hard to make friends as an adult as it is and I'm lonely and a fucking loser.
I probably will never be able to afford my own property unless I move to the middle of nowhere which will make my depression even worse. Not to mention I'm worried about friendships and dating prospects. I can't live a life where I just go to a shitty job an then sit in silence by myself at home.
Suicide seems like an inevitability for me.
I hate my reality.
