I feel like I’m just meant to suffer

[Butterfly-death]

All I do is suffer. Nothing ever goes right for me. I feel like the worst will happen to me, no, I know it will. It just gets worse, not better. I ordered SN last week, if it get seized by customs that tells me I truly am supposed to suffer and that's so depressing. I feel so afraid of the future if I don't get the chance to ctb. I wish I could understand why my life is so horrible. I should accept that my life is just suffering but it's hard. I was born to suffer horribly until I die. I'm so tired of being alive just to suffer

 

[unluckysadness]

I could have written these words. My brain is constantly on alert for danger. So many bad things happened since decades and still happen. I'm even careful when going down the stairs so I don't fall. And last night, I had two dreams where my OCD showed up, so even the nights are becoming unbearable.

I wondered if I was nazi in a past life to deserve this.