I feel like I’m being pushed towards ctb

[sserafim]

I feel like I'm being pushed towards ctb. My mom wants me to get a job, and I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to work for a living. She says that if I don't get a job, then she'll evict me. She already sent me a warning and has a letter in place. She's disappointed and mad about the fact that I haven't done anything for a year since I graduated. She doesn't like me "idling away", and she wants me to "do something". She thinks that being a shut-in/hiki is "no life". She says that I'm "lazy", and made ground rules for me living here. One of them is to get a job. Honestly I think that she just doesn't like me and is looking for a reason to get rid of me. She's always favored my sister ever since we were young.

Ugh I honestly just hate being a human being. I hate having to have these responsibilities and obligations. I never wanted to exist in the first place, yet there are these demands imposed onto me. I hate this absurd world where people have to work to survive and pay money to exist. I wish that I could cease to exist by dying in my sleep.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

A lot of us wish we would die in our sleep, but that is probably not going to happen. It sucks that you are being backed into a corner. The psychological trauma of planning a suicide becomes exponentially worse when it goes from something you want to do to something you have to do. I'm in the "have to" category. Welcome to worse hell.

 

[anonymousfoxxo]

I understand you very well. Here in my country we have a horrible economical situation. One has to work and work and work and barely has anything to eat. We practically only exist to suffer. Yet everyone's so positive and everything. But also so demanding. No, no mom, I can't f*cking run the whole house clean enough to satisfy your f*cking OCD while taking care of my little brother who keeps making a mess while I am studying while at the same time at work. Yeah, you want to throw me out now. Yeah I get it, you keep sleeping and I should do everything unless I want to be the laziest and worst person ever! Oh yeah, whatever I do I will be that anyway. I have been pushing myself to do more and yet nobody even noticed! Oh yeah, I am suicidal, thanks for the reminder. Yeah sure go on, talk to me more about how you're always the god d*mn victim. Yeah father, keep telling me how you want to die too while I should be capable of doing way more "at my age".

Sigh.

Whatever I do is never enough. I am being pushed to do more and more and more and it is physically impossible. And I am tired that I have no freedom in anything. And that I have to bear the pain, physical and mental. And I am tired of being poor and having not a single safety, somewhere to run, but being kept in a checkmate situation by those who brought me to this cruel world in the first place.

And the worst part is that somehow I still manage to love them. Somehow I just have to keep on suffering and suffering. Because in the end, nothing matters, and therefore I should be able to just go. But I don't. I am stupid. I am so stupid. I am an idiot. I am an absolute moron. I am so f**king stupid.

Sigh.
I understand your pain my dear friend. I wish the same. Just waiting for the moment my heart stops in my sleep. But that would be too easy. So I am doing my best to hold up until I find the right time to CTB.

Take Care,