I feel like I'm a piece of shit and CTB would be a selfless act

[canyounotbesad]

I know the title is edgy but, you know what? I'm feeling edgy.

I got put on 300mg of anti-depressants and I do not like 'em. I feel irritable and mad the moment I wake up. Also, and this is off topic, IDK if I have an ear infection or it's allergies but my head and ears feel full AF, the base of my neck hurts, and there is an almost non-stop ringing in my ears at night; grated, I'm sleeping much lower than normal as my mattress is on the floor 'cause I'm in the middle of moving. ANYWAY, at work I feel like a piece of shit. I know people care for me and worry about me at work and that makes everything so much harder. I want to be close to them, I want them to know I care about them as well and how I act isn't because of them. However, I can't. Any time I get into one of my moods, I shut down. I don't know how else to explain it besides going into autopilot. But, my autopilot is a dumb ass bitch. I had a friend, who knows enough of me to weigh in, ask me if I actually try in the moment. At first, I was like "WTF of course I try, I'm obviously upset by how I am" but then I thought of it, and I don't. Not because I don't want to, I just can't. My old therapist said I was resistant to therapy and that comment pops up in my head on every down swing, every bad moment. Every day the self-hatred grows. Even on anti-depressants I still hate myself! I just feel like killing myself and cutting myself less. It's at the point where I feel like the selfless act IS to CTB so I can ride every one of my existence. I know it's not depression at this point because I still feel the same way even after on drugs. Also, I know this is edgy as all hell and as I write this out I'm just thinking "Jesus Christ woman fucking get it together". But I can't. I can't get it together, if I could, I wouldn't be on this side to begin with; yet here I am.

I have this agreement with myself; to take it 1 year at a time. People say a lot can change in a year, so if by December 31st I still feel like shit, and have no desire to live, I will commit. No going back. Bur every year I find hope, a will to live, and it's like why!? I want to do right by people and the best way I know how is running away and living as a hermit in some podunk town OR CTB. Considering I don't have enough money to run away my only option is to CTB. But, I'm selfish. I'm selfish in the fact that I want someone to care about to me unconditionally. Is that reasonable or sane? No, it is not; but I want it nonetheless.


Look, I know my posts come off annoying and whiney and entitled, but this is honestly the only place I have to get this off my chest. If I'm going to cry, I would at least like someone to see it, not ignore me, and maybe relate to how I'm feeling. Right now, I can't CTB. My dad got plane tickets to come help me with my surgery so I can't do it until he leaves. I'm moving tomorrow and parking is strict at the new apartments so that should kill the only person that could/would check in on me if I didn't show up to work from coming by. I hope when I have my surgery, when I go under, that I find peace. Either in knowing I can die with no without guilt or in knowing I can live without shame.

 

[BobSmoked]

Relatable my friend it's a difficult situation hopefully you can attain peace of mind.

 

[ladylazarus4]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's like reading my own thoughts to be honest. I feel the exact same way.
One little thing you said: that you know it's not depression because you're on meds and still feel this way. I just wanted to say that it is very possible and common even for antidepressants to not fully (or at all) alleviate depression. So you sound like they aren't helping to their fullest potential.
I don't know if you have money for this but I HIGHLY recommend ketamine, whether that's infusions or spravato or whatever. It helps with neuroplasticity so it targets thoughts, not emotions and can work when antidepressants don't.

 

[Soupster]

I'm sorry you're going through it. I will say about meds, they shouldn't make you moody or irritable talk to your doc about trying something else. Every med works differently for each individual.

 

[canyounotbesad]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's like reading my own thoughts to be honest. I feel the exact same way.
One little thing you said: that you know it's not depression because you're on meds and still feel this way. I just wanted to say that it is very possible and common even for antidepressants to not fully (or at all) alleviate depression. So you sound like they aren't helping to their fullest potential.
I don't know if you have money for this but I HIGHLY recommend ketamine, whether that's infusions or spravato or whatever. It helps with neuroplasticity so it targets thoughts, not emotions and can work when antidepressants don't.

I'm sorry all I can think of ketamine is that meme from a few years back. I do think the meds aren't doing as they should but I've been on a good amount of different meds, not every combo out there, and it all makes me feel the same. I can't sleep and I'm irritable. I just wish they'd stop. I don't want to be this way

I'm sorry you're going through it. I will say about meds, they shouldn't make you moody or irritable talk to your doc about trying something else. Every med works differently for each individual.

I have a follow up with my doc in a few weeks as this is the trial period. I've talked about my surgery coming up so I won't regurgitate it, but my doc wants to make sure I'm ok before it. Which I'm insanely grateful for. It's just, idk and this may be so main character of me, I feel alone in this. It's all so new and scary and too much happening at once that I can't process it properly. Everyone is like "oh go into therapy" but, I have to save for surgery, I'm moving, I have to find a way to accommodate my dad, who is helping me after surgery, in a 1bedrom apt, working out how I will continue to work, full time mind you, and if I will take a good amount of time off, as well as manage my schoolwork. I just, IDK, I feel overwhelmed and my go to coping is cutting myself and other forms of SH, but I don't want to be that way. I genuinely want to be seen and heard but every time I am I freak out and ruin it. I wish I was dumber or stronger to weather this storm I really do but, I'm not. I really do appreciate everyone that responds to my posts and gives me the space and time to word vomit all over the internet, even if they don't responded. It feels different from doing the same on other sites, probably cause you have to get verified here but the sentiment is the same.

 

[Ashu]

Most of us feel this way, that we're doing the world a favor by killing ourselves, but this feeling is completely incomprehensible to the normtards with their bulletproof egos, and so the only way they can interpret it is as selfishness.