Venting I feel like I want to embrace the selfishness they say giving up is about.

[shinitai_sh0jo]

Recently I've felt as if I wanted to commit ctb not just to end my suffering, but to bring suffering to the people around me. It's weird, because I know that this is something I've written about being very afraid of. But it's as if I could only make people understand my suffering if I can split my head in two, if I wash my bedroom floor with blood. Like I have the need to make them suffer

Maybe I'm slowly getting tired of putting the blame on me all the time? I'm tired of never getting rest by sleeping, I'm tired of having to care about them when I feel everyone is lying to me when they say they care about me-when I feel like they'd push me away in the sight of the first problem they see.

I still can't discern if these feelings are fake, if I'm making things up to myself... but I can't find a good reason for me to even do that kind of thing either! :D

I don't want to have to deal with these feelings forever. Neither want to wait till I "grow up more" to just find out I've waited for nothing. I didn't got better since 2019, why would I get better if I was 25? even 30?

I'd better kill myself before I bring up hopes I'd ever have a better social life or get healed... because I doubt it would ever happen.

I just have to decide: to buy a knife or I jump out a high spot?

 

[oneirataxia]

This is exactly how I feel. I don't care any longer about facilitating the happiness of people who don't care about mine. I no longer care about making my abusive parents happy or being there to give a pat on the back to the fucking parasite "friends" who drip-feed humanity and care to me. They can all go fuck themselves. I can no longer be guilt-tripped into living and I'd hope to god it hurts after all I've been through.

Something I will say, however, is that you probably shouldn't attempt suicide via stabbing/cutting. Extremely painful and slow, along with heightened SI, and a good chance of failure. But I hope whatever choice you decide to make, be it living or dying, only treats you gently and offers you relief.

 

[YEAR2050]

it's understandable that you would ultimately develop a resentment towards the ones around you who time and time again have failed to help or understand you. I personally wouldn't make my suicide a mess for my close ones to clean up, because I know the hurt they cause me is out of ignorance and not malice; your situation might differ from mine obviously.

 

[Serial Experi Pain]

There's nothing selfish about it.

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

it's understandable that you would ultimately develop a resentment towards the ones around you who time and time again have failed to help or understand you. I personally wouldn't make my suicide a mess for my close ones to clean up, because I know the hurt they cause me is out of ignorance and not malice; your situation might differ from mine obviously.

I know that they probably do want to help, but... it feels shit when the only person who ever seemed to understand how shit it is to care about "what they'd think/feel if I'm dead" while having to take care of all those things at once is moving away. They do differ from other extremely toxic relative I had to deal with, but... I don't even know at this point.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Recently I've felt as if I wanted to commit ctb not just to end my suffering, but to bring suffering to the people around me. It's weird, because I know that this is something I've written about being very afraid of. But it's as if I could only make people understand my suffering if I can split my head in two, if I wash my bedroom floor with blood. Like I have the need to make them suffer

Maybe I'm slowly getting tired of putting the blame on me all the time? I'm tired of never getting rest by sleeping, I'm tired of having to care about them when I feel everyone is lying to me when they say they care about me-when I feel like they'd push me away in the sight of the first problem they see.

I still can't discern if these feelings are fake, if I'm making things up to myself... but I can't find a good reason for me to even do that kind of thing either! :D

I don't want to have to deal with these feelings forever. Neither want to wait till I "grow up more" to just find out I've waited for nothing. I didn't got better since 2019, why would I get better if I was 25? even 30?

I'd better kill myself before I bring up hopes I'd ever have a better social life or get healed... because I doubt it would ever happen.

I just have to decide: to buy a knife or I jump out a high spot?

Is it bad i've felt a similar way…all the poeple that have mistreated me abused me villify and mischaracterised me for years because of my issues

In a way killing myself would destory alot of their fake theories "oh they wont kts their doing it for attention their manipulative blah blah blah" i'd love to shut them up and expose them for the horrible shits they are and people lambast them for it…i'd be free of my suffering and the people who cared and understood would hate the those that contributed to this

I feel guilt for certain people feeling bad about me although i want them too but some i'd love the guilt to eat away at them…would i want blue to feel guilty…the answer to that changes each day

And oh girl trust me i relate to that…no one ever understands how bad your pain is until its too fucking late all people tell me is "oh get over blue you'll find someone new" and even when i do my best to explain this phenomenon in every way i can…no one wants to listen…no one wants to understand…why do you think i self harmed for awhile but what does that really prove other than i hate myself?

Right? Getting blamed for everything…that YOUR the problem,that YOUR a bad person, that YOU don't matter…you think i don't feel that too dear? Maybe i'm just really emotional currently but your post is really speakingto my fucking heart i want to fucking cry because i feel your pain like no other

Don't ever let people tell you that your feelings are invalid,that your feelings are fake,that your doing it for attention…

And yea people try to put my hopes up too but like yourself i've been let down time and time and time again and i hate people for that for leading me on and shit

Just know that i'm fucking here for you ok? Because unlike most these shitty people on earth I understand your fucking pain and it hurts me

Also to answer your question at the end i've tried throat slitting it doesn't work trust me,not a fan of heights myself but out of the 2 thats your best bet

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

Is it bad i've felt a similar way…all the poeple that have mistreated me abused me villify and mischaracterised me for years because of my issues

In a way killing myself would destory alot of their fake theories "oh they wont kts their doing it for attention their manipulative blah blah blah" i'd love to shut them up and expose them for the horrible shits they are and people lambast them for it…i'd be free of my suffering and the people who cared and understood would hate the those that contributed to this

I feel guilt for certain people feeling bad about me although i want them too but some i'd love the guilt to eat away at them…would i want blue to feel guilty…the answer to that changes each day

And oh girl trust me i relate to that…no one ever understands how bad your pain is until its too fucking late all people tell me is "oh get over blue you'll find someone new" and even when i do my best to explain this phenomenon in every way i can…no one wants to listen…no one wants to understand…why do you think i self harmed for awhile but what does that really prove other than i hate myself?

Right? Getting blamed for everything…that YOUR the problem,that YOUR a bad person, that YOU don't matter…you think i don't feel that too dear? Maybe i'm just really emotional currently but your post is really speakingto my fucking heart i want to fucking cry because i feel your pain like no other

Don't ever let people tell you that your feelings are invalid,that your feelings are fake,that your doing it for attention…

And yea people try to put my hopes up too but like yourself i've been let down time and time and time again and i hate people for that for leading me on and shit

Just know that i'm fucking here for you ok? Because unlike most these shitty people on earth I understand your fucking pain and it hurts me

Also to answer your question at the end i've tried throat slitting it doesn't work trust me,not a fan of heights myself but out of the 2 thats your best bet

I'd really wish I was able to buy you something to drink or eat, ngl.
and in the end, yeah, jumping is probably the best. I remember once that I was young and I tried to slit my throat, it ended up not doing absolutely anything because I didn't knew what I was doing lmao