SomewhatLoved
I now know the depths I reach are limitless
- Apr 12, 2023
- 448
I've been sad/depressed basically as long as I can remember. I've had things that make me happy, but I've just never seen it as worthwhile to continue living and that I was overall unhappy living. It feels like this finally changed though and I never really even feel happy anymore, and when I feel "not sad" it's must just like mindless or numb like sitting on my phone scrolling.
My boyfriend left me about 5 months ago, and he was way closer with all of our friends than I was so when he left me I basically lost all my friends. I've tried making new ones but they sort of seem to just distance themselves from me every time. I also used to really enjoy my job and what I studied in post-secondary, but I feel like that's gone now too and I never really get excited to go to work anymore or to continue studying and to get better/improve at my profession. The one thing I really had left that made me happy was going to concerts. I didn't really get to do it that much, but when I did it was fun. There's a concert I was planning to go to on the 8th that I was looking forward to for a while, but I don't feel anything anymore. I don't really feel negatively about it either, but I guess it just doesn't excite me. I feel like I could care less if it was happening or not.
Over the past year or so I decided I wanted to try and get better and so I really tried to work on building better habits but I just feel like I don't even want to. I've tried learning an instrument, reconnecting with old hobbies, meditating, going for walks, venting to the few people I still have, going out with family, but it doesn't really seem to matter. I got into a relationship and for once in my life built a social circle and was a functioning member of my society with a respectable job, but even then I didn't care and I was just sad. I honestly could say I wasn't living for myself and any amount of happiness I had came purely from trying to uplift my (now ex) boyfriend and trying to serve my community.
It is cruel that we cannot die peacefully. People act like mental illness is temporary or treatable, but I can confidently say that that is not always the case. I have felt this was for as long as I can remember, since I was a little kid. I'm now an adult, and I feel suicidal for all the same reasons as I did years and years ago.
My boyfriend left me about 5 months ago, and he was way closer with all of our friends than I was so when he left me I basically lost all my friends. I've tried making new ones but they sort of seem to just distance themselves from me every time. I also used to really enjoy my job and what I studied in post-secondary, but I feel like that's gone now too and I never really get excited to go to work anymore or to continue studying and to get better/improve at my profession. The one thing I really had left that made me happy was going to concerts. I didn't really get to do it that much, but when I did it was fun. There's a concert I was planning to go to on the 8th that I was looking forward to for a while, but I don't feel anything anymore. I don't really feel negatively about it either, but I guess it just doesn't excite me. I feel like I could care less if it was happening or not.
Over the past year or so I decided I wanted to try and get better and so I really tried to work on building better habits but I just feel like I don't even want to. I've tried learning an instrument, reconnecting with old hobbies, meditating, going for walks, venting to the few people I still have, going out with family, but it doesn't really seem to matter. I got into a relationship and for once in my life built a social circle and was a functioning member of my society with a respectable job, but even then I didn't care and I was just sad. I honestly could say I wasn't living for myself and any amount of happiness I had came purely from trying to uplift my (now ex) boyfriend and trying to serve my community.
It is cruel that we cannot die peacefully. People act like mental illness is temporary or treatable, but I can confidently say that that is not always the case. I have felt this was for as long as I can remember, since I was a little kid. I'm now an adult, and I feel suicidal for all the same reasons as I did years and years ago.
