Venting I feel like I can only forgive myself through self-deprecation.

[Pancake]

Sometimes I think about the past and I remember all the awful things I've done. All the failures, however small, add up and make me feel terrible; like a failure. I think about the hurtful things I've said to friends, family, and strangers alike, and it makes me feel so terrible. I think about these things and I wonder what I did in my past life to deserve the life that I have. I feel like I deserve every bit of pain and suffering that will come my way. I try to hold these feelings and memories close so I won't forget them. I'm very afraid that if I forgive myself or if I forget, I'll do it all over again. I'll continue to degenerate and be crass and hateful. This makes it harder to bear, but I think I deserve it. I feel like I'm atoning for my life one way or another by letting the past haunt me. I know I should let go, but I really don't want to be the kind of person I was before.

 

[wildflower27]

I'm so sorry you're suffering so much

 

[jussrav]

Sometimes I think about the past and I remember all the awful things I've done. All the failures, however small, add up and make me feel terrible; like a failure. I think about the hurtful things I've said to friends, family, and strangers alike, and it makes me feel so terrible. I think about these things and I wonder what I did in my past life to deserve the life that I have. I feel like I deserve every bit of pain and suffering that will come my way. I try to hold these feelings and memories close so I won't forget them. I'm very afraid that if I forgive myself or if I forget, I'll do it all over again. I'll continue to degenerate and be crass and hateful. This makes it harder to bear, but I think I deserve it. I feel like I'm atoning for my life one way or another by letting the past haunt me. I know I should let go, but I really don't want to be the kind of person I was before.

Please don't keep beating yourself up. I hVe made mistakes that have ruined my life now. Had a detrimental effect on how my life is now. I have a tumour, I may go blind. Please stop worrying about these things go get a job, keep occupied and live your life. You haven't ruined anything its all in your head.