More in a metaphoric way. I feel like I am under water in a frozen sea. I cannot scream. But I can try to break the ice but it is pretty useless. There is no chance to avoid my fate, I am self-aware about that but the process is slow, agonizing and painful. I am panicking but that's useless. I am going through this insane torture. I try to look at it from different perspectives but this usually ends up with hoping for a miracle and unrealistic notions of the reality. Everything happens in slow motion. I see it coming. I know what is going to happen. But I am unable to change it. The anxiety goes through the roof. And all options that I have are utterly horse shit. I am so desperate. My inner child is shaking crying for help. I am not sure what I cling on. So much cynical shit happened and it will continue to do so if I don't end it. I am daily overwhelmed by my sorrows. My fears eat me alive. Suicide sometimes seems like a gift or blessing at the same time it scares the shit out of me. When I look back at the past decade I have gone through insane shit. And it is likely to become way worse. I think it is unlikely I will be alive in 10 years.
Going to college is hell on earth. Any work is hell on earth. I am a mental wreck. Leaving college will be insanely painful. In October college will re-start. There is not much that keeps me alive. The main reasons not to do it are the consequences of what happens if I end up surviving it is likely my situation would be way worse. I need a strong determination not to cry for help after taking the SN.
Going to college is hell on earth. Any work is hell on earth. I am a mental wreck. Leaving college will be insanely painful. In October college will re-start. There is not much that keeps me alive. The main reasons not to do it are the consequences of what happens if I end up surviving it is likely my situation would be way worse. I need a strong determination not to cry for help after taking the SN.
