Venting I feel like I am actively dying. I hope I do it tonight.

[Smelly_ballz]

The weight of living is crushing me. The pain hurts mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am so fucking sad. I feel nothing but guilt, shame, agony, pain, loathing, and emptiness all at once. The pressure in my chest makes me feel like I am dying. My heart feels like it has weights on it. I can't do this anymore. I want something to end this suffering. How do I feel so empty yet full at the same time?? I should be happy right now. It is almost a holiday and I am going to get engaged soon. Yet I want to die before I even see it. I am so stressed with college. I can't even manage to brush my teeth or get up to use the bathroom, how the hell am I supposed to go to class and do essays?? The pain of the past eats me up. Being born like this, autistic and mentally fucked, pretty much predisposed me to ctb. Even when I am not depressed to this point (it has been a long time since then), I can't do anything bc of my autism. I stuck being a waste of life, sucking up resources that others need and money. I wish I was never even born. God I just wish I was never born. I have been cutting since I was 8/9 and have been trying to ctb since I was 10. No one even cared. No one cares about the words I spew. The only reason I hesitate to do it now is that my lover wants to get engaged soon and has already bought the ring. I know they care but at this point my suffering is so great no amount of love can fix me. I wish I could died all those years ago to spare me and everyone else the pain. The longer I stay the worse it gets. I am chronically suicidal. It is all I think about. I have always been suicidal, but it is all I can think about for the past year. I am literally obsessed with it. Every waking moment I am thinking about it. I dream about it. I can't escape it. I hope I get the courage to do it soon.
I might do it today, idk. I planned on doing it within the next couple weeks any way, but as I said in my last post, the timing feels a bit off. I think things are starting to line up today tho.
Sorry for posting so much today. I have a lot on my mind rn.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing to be free from all the suffering, existence is just too cruel, I certainly wish I never existed in the first place as well. But anyway best wishes.