i feel like ctbing in my house

[monetpompo]

it's easier to get caught if you ctb in a house full of people, regardless of if they're all asleep, because they might hear into your room. but i think that it might be easier to hang myself inside of my closet instead of go into the woods. maybe i'm just being lazy and inconsiderate, since someone will have to find my body. i've stared at my closet door and practiced there over and over that it feels hard to not imagine killing myself in there. i just remember how i kept buying myself ubers from the woods back home and how i can't afford to do that anymore.

i know that in the end i'm probably going to have to go to the woods to avoid getting caught and hospitalized. it all just feels really tiresome. people have died way faster than me. i feel so embarrassed of myself sometimes, because contemplating suicide feels more melodramatic compared to actually doing it. i don't really care what happens to me as long as i end up dead. if i'm being honest, most of the times i've failed is because i kept being talked out of committing suicide or because i wanted to be talked out of it. now that there's no one to talk me out of it (ruined my friendship), i can just do it and it won't matter. i guess the fear and pain still stop me, so i'm trying to not stress about it too much. some people on sasu kept trying to talk to me out of suicide too, but they're gone or i'm not talking to them anymore. it's hard to keep friends like this.