Venting I feel like a goddamn babysitter in my own home

[borderline-feline]

EDIT: There are some corrections I wanna make about some misunderstandings.
1. I don't have the means to move out of this house.
2. I can't just force my father into a nursing home; he's 61, not 91.
3. My father owns the house, so I can't kick him out.



I kinda wish my father would just kill himself. He's a worthless piece of shit, and I've had to look after him for the past decade because he's a drunk idiot who falls asleep while cooking. I'm sick of having to clean up his bullshit. I'm sick of the tobacco put less than an inch from my things (if his tobacco touched some of my stuff, I would actually kill him). I'm sick of having to wake him up to yell at him for taking a nap with food in the oven.

If I'm still alive when he retires, I'm not taking care of him. It would already be entitled to expect your own daughter to take care of you, but especially when you've been an alcoholic for almost 20 years. I have no pity for him, and he deserves every single bad thing that comes to him.

 

[EndlessNight]

just throw him in an nursing home. He was already an asshole enough to pass the burden of life on you, now he wants you to carry the burden of his life too. This is far beyond unacceptable

 

[borderline-feline]

just throw him in an nursing home. He was already an asshole enough to pass the burden of life on you, now he wants you to carry the burden of his life too. This is far beyond unacceptable

Unfortunately, I can't. I forgot to mention, but he owns the house. He also wouldn't go willingly (especially since he's 61 and still works).

I retreated to my room for the time being to avoid the smoke that was coming from the oven. Hopefully he won't fall asleep again. If he does, then I'm just gonna have to turn off and unplug the oven, then yell at him for his incompetent stupidity.

 

[SeenMoreThanEnough]

I kinda wish my father would just kill himself. He's a worthless piece of shit, and I've had to look after him for the past decade because he's a drunk idiot who falls asleep while cooking. I'm sick of having to clean up his bullshit. I'm sick of the tobacco put less than an inch from my things (if his tobacco touched some of my stuff, I would actually kill him). I'm sick of having to wake him up to yell at him for taking a nap with food in the oven.

If I'm still alive when he retires, I'm not taking care of him. It would already be entitled to expect your own daughter to take care of you, but especially when you've been an alcoholic for almost 20 years. I have no pity for him, and he deserves every single bad thing that comes to him.

Don't blame you. I drank pretty heavy for two years and even though I'm doing better now, that was enough to royally fuck up my life worse than it already was. Can't imagine 20 years of that!

 

[borderline-feline]

Don't blame you. I drank pretty heavy for two years and even though I'm doing better now, that was enough to royally fuck up my life worse than it already was. Can't imagine 20 years of that!

Yeah, his drinking problem started when I was only about 7 and only got worse after my mom died. I get that he has problems, but it wouldn't kill him to go to therapy instead of fucking up both of his daughters.

 

[JudasIscariot]

I relate a lot to this. Parentification is downplayed massively. It is absolutely a form of abuse and neglect, and a sickening thing to force onto a child. I feel as though I have to babysit other people too, though not as severely as you. I'm sorry for your situation.

 

[BGooG]

Where's your sister in all of this? Caring for a parent should be a joint responsibility, not just yours.

If this continues, move out and leave him be. You're allowed to have your life.
Where's your sister in all of this? Caring for a parent should be a joint responsibility, not just yours.

If this continues, move out and leave him be. You're allowed to have

 

[CellarBoy]

I kinda wish my father would just kill himself. He's a worthless piece of shit, and I've had to look after him for the past decade because he's a drunk idiot who falls asleep while cooking. I'm sick of having to clean up his bullshit. I'm sick of the tobacco put less than an inch from my things (if his tobacco touched some of my stuff, I would actually kill him). I'm sick of having to wake him up to yell at him for taking a nap with food in the oven.

If I'm still alive when he retires, I'm not taking care of him. It would already be entitled to expect your own daughter to take care of you, but especially when you've been an alcoholic for almost 20 years. I have no pity for him, and he deserves every single bad thing that comes to him.

The moment you can, nursing home is the best option, or you could throw him out on the street if he gets any worse. He sounds like an excuse for a person.

 

[borderline-feline]

Where's your sister in all of this? Caring for a parent should be a joint responsibility, not just yours.

If this continues, move out and leave him be. You're allowed to have your life.
Where's your sister in all of this? Caring for a parent should be a joint responsibility, not just yours.

If this continues, move out and leave him be. You're allowed to have

I can't move out, because I don't have the means to. My sister was in her room grooming her dog when our dad fell asleep while cooking. She's generally just as responsible for cleaning up after his bullshit as I am. I'm talking about how it impacts me because I'm the one who's suicidal, not her.

Caring for a parent is never the responsibility of the offspring. It's the other way around. Getting someone pregnant or giving birth do not mean that a person is entitled to caretaking.

The moment you can, nursing home is the best option, or you could throw him out on the street if he gets any worse. He sounds like an excuse for a person.

I doubt that that'll ever bean option. I want to be able to move out, but with how bad inflation and the housing market are, I won't be able to afford to any time soon. He's the one who owns the house, so I also can't throw him out on the street.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a really horrible situation to be trapped in, it's just so awful how humans just make things worse and create more harm.

 

[Dying Alive 00]

Caring for a parent is never the responsibility of the offspring. It's the other way around. Getting someone pregnant or giving birth do not mean that a person is entitled to caretaking.

I'm not sure it's "never" as such. Of course it's the responsibility of the parent to care for the offspring (at least until adult age) but in many countries, including mine, it's the other way round in old age as well. Not a legal responsibility, but one taken in many families anyway.

In some countries, it's commonplace for elderly parents to move in to be looked after. And even if they remain in their own homes or a care home, it's extremely common to see middle-aged people squeezed by responsibilities down the line to children and up the line to elderly parents at the same time.

Of course it varies and a lot depends on individual circumstances as you've described. I do hope that a solution presents itself for you soon

 

[borderline-feline]

I'm not sure it's "never" as such. Of course it's the responsibility of the parent to care for the offspring (at least until adult age) but in many countries, including mine, it's the other way round in old age as well. Not a legal responsibility, but one taken in many families anyway.

In some countries, it's commonplace for elderly parents to move in to be looked after. And even if they remain in their own homes or a care home, it's extremely common to see middle-aged people squeezed by responsibilities down the line to children and up the line to elderly parents at the same time.

Of course it varies and a lot depends on individual circumstances as you've described. I do hope that a solution presents itself for you soon

My point is that it's entitled to expect the offspring to take care of the parent. There's no debt to be repaid, and making it a social expectation is extremely toxic. No one owes their parents anything.

That's also generally irrelevant because my father is 61. He's not even of retirement age yet.

 

[Looking]

Obviously I recognize this is a vent, so I'm not attempting to provide advice of any kind, it's more of a genuine question out of curiosity.

Is there a reason why you can't just stop caring for him? Like, if he asks you to clean something, is there something preventing you from just not doing it?

 

[borderline-feline]

Obviously I recognize this is a vent, so I'm not attempting to provide advice of any kind, it's more of a genuine question out of curiosity.

Is there a reason why you can't just stop caring for him? Like, if he asks you to clean something, is there something preventing you from just not doing it?

It's not so much cleaning as it is that he fell asleep with food in the oven. A couple of years ago, he also let the coffee table collapse and just went to bed. The coffee table had a fish bowl on top of it, so I had to get the dogs away from the broken glass, save the fish, and get rid of the broken glass.

In terms of cleaning things, I get yelled at if I don't do things that he decides are my responsibility... and he doesn't tell me first that he expects me to do those things.

 

[Looking]

It's not so much cleaning as it is that he fell asleep with food in the oven. A couple of years ago, he also let the coffee table collapse and just went to bed. The coffee table had a fish bowl on top of it, so I had to get the dogs away from the broken glass, save the fish, and get rid of the broken glass.

In terms of cleaning things, I get yelled at if I don't do things that he decides are my responsibility... and he doesn't tell me first that he expects me to do those things.

That's pretty damn brutal. I'm sorry you're going through that, but I'm sure that doesn't mean much coming from a stranger. I get why you would feel the way you do about him, and it sucks that you're essentially trapped with it because there's not much you can do or many places for you to go.

 

[Dying Alive 00]

My point is that it's entitled to expect the offspring to take care of the parent. There's no debt to be repaid, and making it a social expectation is extremely toxic. No one owes their parents anything.

That's also generally irrelevant because my father is 61. He's not even of retirement age yet.

I agree in part, although toxic and entitlement are oft-quoted terms. It's neither entitlement nor expectation - in many families it just happens naturally. And I wouldn't imagine it is anything as rigid as retirement age. Some 93 year olds are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, while some people develop illnesses and conditions before retirement age meaning they can no longer attend to all their needs themselves.

In many Asian and European families, it is just what adult offspring want to do, regardless of current trends in terminology and phrases. Of course in some situations the relationship just doesn't lend itself to that and it definitely isn't one-size-fits-all. Your situation sounds horribly hard and my heart goes out to you.

 

[Danielwc]

Sometimes if you can't change something you just have accept it. Perhaps look at it as an investment. Alcoholics do not live much past 60 and if you and your sister care for him until then you will inherit the house.

 

[borderline-feline]

Sometimes if you can't change something you just have accept it. Perhaps look at it as an investment. Alcoholics do not live much past 60 and if you and your sister care for him until then you will inherit the house.

That thought frightens me as well. I just want to move away and not be dependent on my father. Having one less source of income in the house wouldn't be a good thing.

I agree in part, although toxic and entitlement are oft-quoted terms. It's neither entitlement nor expectation - in many families it just happens naturally. And I wouldn't imagine it is anything as rigid as retirement age. Some 93 year olds are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, while some people develop illnesses and conditions before retirement age meaning they can no longer attend to all their needs themselves.

In many Asian and European families, it is just what adult offspring want to do, regardless of current trends in terminology and phrases. Of course in some situations the relationship just doesn't lend itself to that and it definitely isn't one-size-fits-all. Your situation sounds horribly hard and my heart goes out to you.

If someone wants to take care of their parents, then more power to them. I'm talking about the idea that it's the responsibility of the offspring regardless of whether or not they want to. Many people who want to probably wouldn't want to if they weren't raised in a society where that's just how things are done. Expecting it to be done regardless of the wishes of the offspring is entitlement. If I'm still alive when my father actually needs a caretaker, I'm not gonna do it, just like how I'm never gonna give up an organ for him if he needs a transplant, not that any doctor with a conscience would transplant an organ into him in the first place.