Venting I feel like a ghost

[711slushies]

I don't even know how to properly explain this, since "feeling like a ghost" doesn't describe it perfectly but it's close enough. I have friends who I think care about me, and I care about them, and i know this, yet I never feel close to them. It's like I'm wrapped in an impenetrable cling wrap. So close but so far. I do things, but I also do absolutely nothing. I'm always sad and hurt and lonely, but I'm also almost always in a state of feeling nothing, with just hints of these feelings. Like an emotional sparkling water. And I hate that I want to have friends and closer relationships, it feels greedy to want anything. I can't even ask for things I need or want because now it's feels all intrusive to ask to hangout. I don't feel like a person, I feel like a parasite of sorts. I felt human when I was extremely dependent on someone else to be me I guess, and that's been so long gone, I'm just nothing. I don't even know how to start feeling like anything. I wish I could just fully disappear rather than just being in this limbo state all the time. I long for so much that I know will never come, and the greed of desire and my existence hurting people is all that keeps me here I guess. I hate it. It's even worse that I can't even describe it fully to anybody simply because I don't have the words.