I feel horrible knowing how much my suicide is going to hurt my loved ones

[Spite]

I'm so torn between whether I should 'exit' or not.

I can't help but feel horrible for even thinking about throwing my life away. I'm stuck in this predicament where my life is almost unbearable and I want to leave... but I feel like I can't. I can't bring myself to hurt the people who care about me. My suicide would absolutely devastate my mother, my grandparents, my siblings, my wife, and the few online friends I have. It's like... I'm only living for them. The guilt I feel about how much my suicide is going to hurt the people who love and care about me is one of the main reasons why I haven't done it yet.

I don't want to spend the next 40+ years being a wageslave.

I don't want to continue living life with autism. Having autism feels like a curse. I hate it.

I don't like this world. I don't like this life. This life feels like a prison. I dread waking up every day. I wish I could end it all...

...but my loved ones do not deserve to have to go through the pain and agony of losing me. My mother has worked very hard to try to help me in life. If I were to kill myself, I feel sick to my stomach thinking about how my loved ones will react to it, especially my mother - she will probably think to herself that everything she ever did for me was all for nothing.

When my mother says to me "I am so glad you're here"

When my wife says to me "I just want you to know you are the best thing to ever happen to me"

When my little sister hugs me and says to me "you're my favourite person in the whole world"

...how the fuck do I end myself, knowing the absolute betrayal and devastation I will inevitably inflict upon them?

I can't do it.

 

[stupid trans guy]

For me i think thats reason to keep trying to survive

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

You still have grandparents? At the very least, please, outlive your grandparents.

 

[pepperfarmer]

My advice is that, when in doubt, you can simply just keep going. You can always die later (and you will, suicide or not).

Most things in life that you do will have an effect on others, some times negatively. That includes ending it. I'd wager there's not that many people, here or otherwise, who can claim their death would have a minimal impact on others.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

It's honorable that you care about them and love them enough to stay alive for them, but as for me, I've honestly started to hate the people who love me and sometimes I even want to make them suffer. Once they suffer as badly as I have, it will tear down their delusions about life, especially my grandmother who will be upset because I "rejected Jesus" or some shit. She needs to realize how evil her religious cult is and understand WHY it was worth rejecting.

I'm only staying alive for me and to enjoy the addictions I have. I am DONE staying alive for others and never will do it again. When it's my time, it's my time, and I'm just gonna do it.

 

[monotine]

i feel that way too. i'm only staying cause i don't want to pass the pain im feeling onto others

 

[tonicer]

I feel similar. I am 40+ and my parents are 80+ and all i have to do is outlive them. I CAN'T make them bury me. The thought alone breaks my heart.
I also was dealt a very heavy hand at birth. I am very ugly and it ruined my entire life. I'm a KHHV and i can't even get hired because once the HR people see my face they reject me. My only hope is remote work where nobody has to see me.

 

[GordonWenlock]

My advice is that, when in doubt, you can simply just keep going. You can always die later (and you will, suicide or not).

Most things in life that you do will have an effect on others, some times negatively. That includes ending it. I'd wager there's not that many people, here or otherwise, who can claim their death would have a minimal impact on others.

That is really a very good rule IMO - 'if in doubt, delay'.

The fact that you are genuinely worried about how your loved ones would react means you a. still have people around that love you and b. are in sound enough mind to consider this. This genuinely is a reason to not CTB.

I think that if someone gets to the point of genuinely having nobody around that cares for them (rare but it does happen - sometimes they find bodies weeks later as noone has even bothered to speak to that person), or if they have convinced themselves that the pain of their existence outweighs the hurt that will be caused (absolutely can be the case with severe mental illness etc), then you start to get a legitimate case together.

 

[itsgone2]

I don't want to spend the next 40+ years being a wageslave.

I don't want to continue living life with autism. Having autism feels like a curse. I hate it.

Both are curses. I'm sorry you are in this place. The world is cruel