Many times in the past, I posted posts mentioning I will ctb soon, but ended up delaying it, partly due to strong SI, partly due to fears of incomplete research of my method, due to a little bit hope that if I wait more, my life will change. The more I waited, the more strong my resolve become to ctb. So, I don't regret waiting too much.
But Not anymore - I won't wait more. I feel so ready to do it. I never experienced this feeling. In a whole day, maybe maximum 1 hour I feel like i should live. The rest of day I only think about ctb.
It's such a complicated feeling. Happiness, feeling relieved, fear of failure...
Yes, a few problems still remain, such as being able to attach weights or backpack to my chest. But these problems are small, without fixing them I will be gone. Cold weather, toxic butane and propane inside my lungs on top of drowning.
I wonder, what will happen the next after I ctb. How does nothing feel like. How does eternity feel like?
But Not anymore - I won't wait more. I feel so ready to do it. I never experienced this feeling. In a whole day, maybe maximum 1 hour I feel like i should live. The rest of day I only think about ctb.
It's such a complicated feeling. Happiness, feeling relieved, fear of failure...
Yes, a few problems still remain, such as being able to attach weights or backpack to my chest. But these problems are small, without fixing them I will be gone. Cold weather, toxic butane and propane inside my lungs on top of drowning.
I wonder, what will happen the next after I ctb. How does nothing feel like. How does eternity feel like?
