Venting I feel guilty that I still feel suicidal even though I have good things happening in my life right now.

[兎の耳]

I recently had an amazing job offer that I was certain that I had lost due to bad timing. I felt worse than I ever have sending the email to my boss telling her I couldn't make it in time for my start date. She called me the next day and extended the timeframe for my move by several months, volunteered to help me look for apartments, and was generally amazing and very nice.

I feel a great deal of relief, and I am genuinely looking forward to the opportunity, but despite this I still want to die. If you told me I could push a button right now and instantly stop living with no pain I would be very tempted to push it. For so long, I've said if I could escape my current situation, and if I had the means to forge my own path in life and be my own master, I'd I'd be okay. I'm not okay, I'm just tired. Maybe if this had happened 10 years ago I'd feel different, but now I just want to sleep.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel like I'm failing the people in my life who genuinely love me and have supported me this whole time. I almost don't feel like I have the right to feel suicidal anymore. I know that's not true, and that I don't owe it to anyone to keep going, but I can't help it.

 

[flowers in the mist]

You're not guilty of anything and you're not failing anyone. You can't control the way you feel and you're not in debt to anyone feeling a certain way.
I understand the way you feel tough, since I have similar thoughts quite often. I have a good job, a loving family and support circle and yet I still feel like this.

You have the right to your own feelings.

I'm glad you managed to still hold on to this opportunity though and I hope it goes well.
I saw your last post about it so seeing this makes me happy!

 

[KuroiSH]

You don't owe anyone anything, remember that. Though your boss is a very kind hearted soul, it is ultimately up to you what you want to do with your life.

If you want to go to sleep and never wake up, that's fine. Leave every problem behind, end the cycle of suffering, and escape this earthly prison with reckless abandon.

If you want to keep on living, that's fine too, just know there is no guarantee you will make something of yourself, as countless people before you have tried, and have either succeeded, or failed. At the end of the day, life is just a really tedious, constant dice roll. You seem to have won one of the dice rolls by having the boss you have, but things could change in a heartbeat.

You might ask yourself, why live? And honestly, I couldn't tell you the answer to that question. Perhaps we're all masochists for trying to beat the dice rolls, or maybe we are "strong-willed", as the pro-lifers say. What matters at the end of the day is that you're sure of what you're doing. Live in a way that makes you feel fulfilled, no matter what way that may be.

P.S. good luck on your work related endeavors, if you decide to keep on living.

 

[兎の耳]

You don't owe anyone anything, remember that. Though your boss is a very kind hearted soul, it is ultimately up to you what you want to do with your life.

If you want to go to sleep and never wake up, that's fine. Leave every problem behind, end the cycle of suffering, and escape this earthly prison with reckless abandon.

If you want to keep on living, that's fine too, just know there is no guarantee you will make something of yourself, as countless people before you have tried, and have either succeeded, or failed. At the end of the day, life is just a really tedious, constant dice roll. You seem to have won one of the dice rolls by having the boss you have, but things could change in a heartbeat.

You might ask yourself, why live? And honestly, I couldn't tell you the answer to that question. Perhaps we're all masochists for trying to beat the dice rolls, or maybe we are "strong-willed", as the pro-lifers say. What matters at the end of the day is that you're sure of what you're doing. Live in a way that makes you feel fulfilled, no matter what way that may be.

P.S. good luck on your work related endeavors, if you decide to keep on living.

Yeah it's all a roll of the dice. I could die in my sleep tonight or die on the drive to my new job. I could move and love it only to develop terminal cancer a few months in. I could get fired and end up on the streets.

That's why I believe that everyone has the right to chose to die when they want. Things can go from great to bad in an instant and there are no guarantees.

Thank you very much for your well wishes. Whether it goes well or not I'll keep everyone here updated.

 

[Sleeper System]

You are blessed to have options. I can understand the internal battle of weighing the good things that are happening with how you ultimately feel inside. In the end, we're programed to survive our tribulations. I think you're in a good space in reality right now and you should focus on the new job. You can still feel horrible inside and try anyway. At least until you reach a breaking point. Until then, congradulations on the job offer and give it your best shot!

 

[兎の耳]

You are blessed to have options. I can understand the internal battle of weighing the good things that are happening with how you ultimately feel inside. In the end, we're programed to survive our tribulations. I think you're in a good space in reality right now and you should focus on the new job. You can still feel horrible inside and try anyway. At least until you reach a breaking point. Until then, congradulations on the job offer and give it your best shot!

That's very kind of you. I really appreciate the positivity. For right now at least I plan on keeping going as long as I can hold out. Maybe I'll find a little happiness out there.

Thanks very much for the kind words.

 

[hellispink]

Maybe it is self sabotage. Maybe your soul is just tired. I would suggest you try it first your new job and those changes, and if the feeling of emptiness persist then you decide after what to do. Just go about in a neutral way without thinking extreme good or extreme bad. Its up to you though. But thats what i would do. I would give myself a short time frame to see if my perception changes. If not then thats okay too. You aint guilty for nothing. You own your life you decide.

 

[_RustyLeaf321]

I recently had an amazing job offer that I was certain that I had lost due to bad timing. I felt worse than I ever have sending the email to my boss telling her I couldn't make it in time for my start date. She called me the next day and extended the timeframe for my move by several months, volunteered to help me look for apartments, and was generally amazing and very nice.

I feel a great deal of relief, and I am genuinely looking forward to the opportunity, but despite this I still want to die. If you told me I could push a button right now and instantly stop living with no pain I would be very tempted to push it. For so long, I've said if I could escape my current situation, and if I had the means to forge my own path in life and be my own master, I'd I'd be okay. I'm not okay, I'm just tired. Maybe if this had happened 10 years ago I'd feel different, but now I just want to sleep.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel like I'm failing the people in my life who genuinely love me and have supported me this whole time. I almost don't feel like I have the right to feel suicidal anymore. I know that's not true, and that I don't owe it to anyone to keep going, but I can't help it.

I feel the same,i just think i'm a fking egoist to leave who actually makes my day to day life better and make them sad if i actually do it.

But in my opinion,if you have to make a choice,you should try to live,my philosophy is always try,you don't know what can happen,and what is waiting for you.