Enigma25
The No Mad Nomad
- Mar 19, 2025
- 62
I feel good today. Only felt bad when I realized the joy would be temporary (as it's been) and as much I feel good today, I am pretty sure the lows will come back. It encourages me to keep on the road to suicide. It goes both ways. I feel sad now, but I should keep my job/dog (hes not here yet) because I WILL have a good day again. On the flip side, I feel happy today, but I want to keep searching for SN and the like because I know I WILL have lows again. Got my friend to help me with a gym routine though so if ANYONE IS LOOKING FOR A GYM BUDDY LET ME KNOW!!!!!!!
Anyway, I feel as if I understand a bit why I feel low. I work hybrid remote. I don't usually feel good when I have to work in the office. I think the reason is envy. I have talked about it before but everyone seems so friendly with each other and has common interest. I'm kinda just a floater guy. No one really comes to hang or talk to me. I wonder if its cause I'm black (you'd be surprised), maybe they can tell I'm gay, or maybe I just look unapproachable. But there's way too many people that match that criteria that still manage to form relationships. Is that supposed to mean I can only manage jobs where I don't experience envy? Isolation is another issue. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. Another reason I want to keep searching for SN and other substances. But I acknowledge the drive isn't THAT strong today, so that's always good too.
I'm serious about a gym buddy/accountability bud or something.
Anyway, I feel as if I understand a bit why I feel low. I work hybrid remote. I don't usually feel good when I have to work in the office. I think the reason is envy. I have talked about it before but everyone seems so friendly with each other and has common interest. I'm kinda just a floater guy. No one really comes to hang or talk to me. I wonder if its cause I'm black (you'd be surprised), maybe they can tell I'm gay, or maybe I just look unapproachable. But there's way too many people that match that criteria that still manage to form relationships. Is that supposed to mean I can only manage jobs where I don't experience envy? Isolation is another issue. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. Another reason I want to keep searching for SN and other substances. But I acknowledge the drive isn't THAT strong today, so that's always good too.
I'm serious about a gym buddy/accountability bud or something.
