Venting i feel desperate and pathetic

[punyama]

I still have such intense feelings for the counselor at my program i was kicked out of, and i feel like such a worm. he called me a few days after i was kicked out and i wanted to tell him a lot of things, about how i was sorry that i let him down and that i failed at everything, how he brought me a lot of joy in the short time i knew him, how i could see his frustrations for me growing and that i was sorry for everything. sorry he had to know me. sorry i attached myself to him so strongly. but i didn't get to say any of it. maybe he was bulldozing me on purpose so that i wouldn't.

he told me to try this day program at the hospital, that he really wanted me to try it and that it can really help me he said "because you care about me and you want to see me and Socks again right?"
(socks is what he named this cat plushie that i gave him.)
why does it always work on me when he talks to me like a firm parent with their kid, i feel like such a loser.
so i went to one day of this day program only because he wanted me to and it was absolutely awful. i really don't want to go back again, i missed 2 days of it and i'm supposed to go back again tomorrow.

i emailed him on Friday asking if i could call him and i got no response. why do i keep trying just for him, i feel like i'm only still alive because i want to talk to him again. i want him to be proud of me.
i feel so pathetic.