I feel alone

[hiddenbpd]

I have a myriad of diagnoses from PMDD, BPD, OCD, depression, etc. all of these contribute to a history of self harm and suicidal thoughts. Due to the PMDD, I cycle monthly but it's been a bit since I've had thoughts of self harm.
The part that makes me feel alone, is that the self harm thoughts happen, and I can't help but feel like I NEED to act on them to get them to quiet. Not because I am distressed and I'm trying to cope with large feelings that I don't know what else to do with, but because the thoughts won't stop until I act on them. It's not like I want to- the whole time the thoughts are here, I spend it battling myself, sometimes to the point that I cry on the bathroom floor with a sharp in my hand trying to not let my brain take over. It's times like these when I miss hurting myself because I was in distress. Now, there doesn't even need to be a reason. Now the distress is because of the thoughts, their demanding nature, and the need to shut them up.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry you feel so alone and struggle with such intense thoughts and feelings like that. If the urge to self harm ever comes up really strong and you need someone to talk to that will take your mind off of it, you can message me if you want. Not sure how much help I can be but I will try my best. While I've never self harmed in the same way as you, there used to be a time when I used cigarettes to deliberately harm my lungs and that was bad enough. Even after the nicotine no longer did anything for me, I just wanted to burn myself up inside ya know?