Pale Blue Dot
That's here, that's home, that's us.
- Jan 9, 2020
- 54
It is my second attempt. (I did the first one two or three days ago with a thin-which is about 3mm wide?- rope.) And yeah, as you can see, I failed :)
It was a partial suspension. I used my training pants to make a knot, slipknot to make a noose, and tied it to a bar in the built-in closet(taller than me) with a snuggle hitch. I checked it several times by putting all my weight on the bar and the knot, and they were steady unless the end is too short.
It was around 7-ish(PM). My heart was beating freakin fast, maybe because I drank a coffee at lunch. I opened the window(because I love watching the sunset), put on the music I like, stick my head inside the noose, tighten it, and put my weight on by bending my knees. (there would be enough weight, my feet were barely on the ground)
I hung there for almost 20 secs and nothing happened but very painful. I was suffocating. I didn't pass out, or even got dizzy. I stood up and tried it like five or six times more with different rope placement, weight, and position. None of them worked. Sometimes I chocked. Sometimes I barely got dizzy and that was all. But never passed out. My rope was always below my adam's apple, and the knot was behind my neck. (I know where's the pulse. Don't know how to black out myself tho) I pushed myself through to the ground hard enough...
Well. There was one attempt that was kinda successful. My sight finally turned black(that time I thought it was because I closed my eyes), but I couldn't stand the pain at my neck and that crazy suffocation anymore, so I stood up. I got really really dizzy, and felt a very fast dejaveu which almost felt like a real memory. The funny thing was that I could think who I am, what I'm doing... etc, but I couldn't remember the place and the time I was at, about 10 secs.
Tried few times more and couldn't even make myself faint, so I just ended up get outta the rope, hating myself lol.
Idk it is too hard to find a right spot, right placement, right posture, right pressure.
Training pants aren't good for making knots I guess. Because they are pants not a rope, a thick part in the middle (you know what I mean) makes difficult to tighten the noose after you make the knot tight. Also they are too... Way too elastic. I am going to try with ratchet straps if I can get it.
It did left me not only bruises at my neck, but also a red spot(blood) underneath both of my eyes. Most of them were from the first attempt tho. I cover the bruises with long-necked jacket. Yeah friends asked me what happened to my eyes, I just said because my body got tired. They don't ask anymore then.
Honestly I'm kinda ran out of energy to die. I don't wanna live but also don't wanna kill myself. Too much energy taken for a single attempt.
===
I already have a SN solution. Plenty of it. Like 3 times more than a lethal dose. (threw away the powder to hide it from others tho.) The reason that I prefer to hang myself is that I can't get an antiemetic or dopamine antagonist. I don't want to throw up all, fail, found by my family, and make situation complicated.
Then yesterday, a wired idea came through my head. Can't I use melatonin instead? It makes me sleepy, so maybe, it would work? Maybe it could block dopamine too?
After that, I searched about it a little, and it said that their(dopamine and melatonin) secretion are related to one another, but don't know the exact correlationship yet. I want to search more about this... It might not act as strong as meto or other dopamine blockers, but if it works..., then better than nothing.
If it's already mentioned in the forum and proved it has no effect, please let me know. Just curious about it.
===
Any questions, comments, encouragements, and even reasonable criticisms are more than welcome :)
It was a partial suspension. I used my training pants to make a knot, slipknot to make a noose, and tied it to a bar in the built-in closet(taller than me) with a snuggle hitch. I checked it several times by putting all my weight on the bar and the knot, and they were steady unless the end is too short.
It was around 7-ish(PM). My heart was beating freakin fast, maybe because I drank a coffee at lunch. I opened the window(because I love watching the sunset), put on the music I like, stick my head inside the noose, tighten it, and put my weight on by bending my knees. (there would be enough weight, my feet were barely on the ground)
I hung there for almost 20 secs and nothing happened but very painful. I was suffocating. I didn't pass out, or even got dizzy. I stood up and tried it like five or six times more with different rope placement, weight, and position. None of them worked. Sometimes I chocked. Sometimes I barely got dizzy and that was all. But never passed out. My rope was always below my adam's apple, and the knot was behind my neck. (I know where's the pulse. Don't know how to black out myself tho) I pushed myself through to the ground hard enough...
Well. There was one attempt that was kinda successful. My sight finally turned black(that time I thought it was because I closed my eyes), but I couldn't stand the pain at my neck and that crazy suffocation anymore, so I stood up. I got really really dizzy, and felt a very fast dejaveu which almost felt like a real memory. The funny thing was that I could think who I am, what I'm doing... etc, but I couldn't remember the place and the time I was at, about 10 secs.
Tried few times more and couldn't even make myself faint, so I just ended up get outta the rope, hating myself lol.
Idk it is too hard to find a right spot, right placement, right posture, right pressure.
Training pants aren't good for making knots I guess. Because they are pants not a rope, a thick part in the middle (you know what I mean) makes difficult to tighten the noose after you make the knot tight. Also they are too... Way too elastic. I am going to try with ratchet straps if I can get it.
It did left me not only bruises at my neck, but also a red spot(blood) underneath both of my eyes. Most of them were from the first attempt tho. I cover the bruises with long-necked jacket. Yeah friends asked me what happened to my eyes, I just said because my body got tired. They don't ask anymore then.
Honestly I'm kinda ran out of energy to die. I don't wanna live but also don't wanna kill myself. Too much energy taken for a single attempt.
===
I already have a SN solution. Plenty of it. Like 3 times more than a lethal dose. (threw away the powder to hide it from others tho.) The reason that I prefer to hang myself is that I can't get an antiemetic or dopamine antagonist. I don't want to throw up all, fail, found by my family, and make situation complicated.
Then yesterday, a wired idea came through my head. Can't I use melatonin instead? It makes me sleepy, so maybe, it would work? Maybe it could block dopamine too?
After that, I searched about it a little, and it said that their(dopamine and melatonin) secretion are related to one another, but don't know the exact correlationship yet. I want to search more about this... It might not act as strong as meto or other dopamine blockers, but if it works..., then better than nothing.
If it's already mentioned in the forum and proved it has no effect, please let me know. Just curious about it.
===
Any questions, comments, encouragements, and even reasonable criticisms are more than welcome :)
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