I dunno what to think anymore...

[FoxSauce]

Let start by saying my mom isnt a bad person. I'm mostly seeking an opinion beacuse I dunno if is abuse, or normal parent things.


Let me start by saying that this is something I kept private beacuse I thought I had some fault (I think so beacuse i wast that of a good kid to my mom)

Anyways my childhood was hard financially, I mean not poor but my mom is single parent my dad wasn't there much. Anyways my mom is a strict gal still to this day. I still think she is a good person

Sometimes she could get violent, for example she would berate us for getting a bad grade B or C she would berate us or yell. If we wrote something wrong or draw in the back of our notebooks she would hit us with said notebook.

She would lock us out outside when she cleaned.

I suffered from intense nightmares for years and she would beat me for it or telling me to go back to bed. Sometimes if she asked us to do something and didn't do it exactly like she asked she would yell in front of everyone or hit us and yell for half an hour.


Or sometimes I would wet the bed as a kid she would beat me severely for it.

Sometimes she would be mad at us and threaten us to kick us out or call cps.

Sometimes she would say very hurtful things to us : that we dont have common sense or she told me that she can't wait to move out and be alone.

Or sometimes she would give us the silent treatment or take her anger out of us or we would help with house work or anything and tells us that we're lazy.

Despite all that I try to give her the benefit of the doubt , maybe she had a bad day or something happened at work but I dunno what excuse I have for her.

In school she would send me to school even I was sick, one time in 4th grade I had pink eye and she forced me to go to school even tho I couldnt see.

She tell me that I can talk to much or annoying or weird which hurts or tells me I'm drmatic when im rightfully upset.

I try not to remember that sometimes is hard to remember some events.

My psychologist says that shes emotionally abusive but I dunno idk if abusers give you an iPad for college food and a roof over your head.

So I'm kinda stuck im being dramatic or theres something I'm missing. Maybe I'm being a brat about it.

But I cant take it fighting all the time she makes feel worthless. Ik theres no such thing as a perfect parent and yes it was just us and her and thatvwas difficult as hell nad i think shes an awesome woman.

Please be hoest I've told my doctors ik they can't give me their thoughts cuz but I figured I rather seek outside help.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Here's the thing, most abusers are nothing like the stereotypical "evil abusive meanies" portrayed in media. This isn't to say that there aren't abusive people who are like that, because there obviously are, but most abusers, especially in the case of abusive parents, also care about the person they are abusing. The relationship between the abuser and the abuse victim can be complex. The same person who would hit and scream at you and lock you out of the house might also be the same person who tried their hardest to provide for you and who seems to care about you a lot.

This makes me think back to this one chapter in Killing Stalking where Yoonbum, after having his abusive uncle killed right in front of him by Sangwoo, is sitting on the kitchen floor trying to process what just happened. During this chapter, we see Yoonbum thinking back to all of the good times with his uncle. He gets upset and wonders why he is thinking about those times even though his uncle was someone who physically, emotionally, and, later in life, sexually abused him. I think it did a good job of highlighting how complex and messy the relationship between abusers and victims can be.

Your mom sounds abusive and there is no doubt about it. You can acknowledge what she did to you as abuse, or at least that it felt harmful, while also acknowledging the good as well. This honestly seems to be a big issue in general that I've noticed when it comes to abuse, especially in reference to parenting in many poor and/or POC communities. Abuse is so normalized and rampant in those communities yet most of the people from those communities would laugh at you for suggesting something as bare minimum as not hitting your kids. They seem to have this mentality that since the person who abused them also loved them and they loved them back then that all of sudden doesn't make what they went through abuse. The thing is, abuse is defined by both the actions of the perpetrator and the potential psychological effects that might be experienced by the victim.

You can think highly of your mother while still acknowledging the fact that she is an abuser. You can still love her while acknowledging the harm she has done to you. The relationship between abuser and victim is usually quite complex and is not something that can always be reduced to "bad evil person harms innocent person". This also goes into why I don't like the sort of black-and-white "good people, bad people" rhetoric. I feel like it contributes to making it harder for people to recognize abuse because if the perpetrator is someone that they love and who has done many good things before then it becomes harder to grapple with why they would harm you or others.

Acknowledging the hurt she has inflicted on you doesn't make you a brat.

 

[FoxSauce]

Here's the thing, most abusers are nothing like the stereotypical "evil abusive meanies" portrayed in media. This isn't to say that there aren't abusive people who are like that, because there obviously are, but most abusers, especially in the case of abusive parents, also care about the person they are abusing. The relationship between the abuser and the abuse victim can be complex. The same person who would hit and scream at you and lock you out of the house might also be the same person who tried their hardest to provide for you and who seems to care about you a lot.

This makes me think back to this one chapter in Killing Stalking where Yoonbum, after having his abusive uncle killed right in front of him by Sangwoo, is sitting on the kitchen floor trying to process what just happened. During this chapter, we see Yoonbum thinking back to all of the good times with his uncle. He gets upset and wonders why he is thinking about those times even though his uncle was someone who physically, emotionally, and, later in life, sexually abused him. I think it did a good job of highlighting how complex and messy the relationship between abusers and victims can be.

Your mom sounds abusive and there is no doubt about it. You can acknowledge what she did to you as abuse, or at least that it felt harmful, while also acknowledging the good as well. This honestly seems to be a big issue in general that I've noticed when it comes to abuse, especially in reference to parenting in many poor and/or POC communities. Abuse is so normalized and rampant in those communities yet most of the people from those communities would laugh at you for suggesting something as bare minimum as not hitting your kids. They seem to have this mentality that since the person who abused them also loved them and they loved them back then that all of sudden doesn't make what they went through abuse. The thing is, abuse is defined by both the actions of the perpetrator and the potential psychological effects that might be experienced by the victim.

You can think highly of your mother while still acknowledging the fact that she is an abuser. You can still love her while acknowledging the harm she has done to you. The relationship between abuser and victim is usually quite complex and is not something that can always be reduced to "bad evil person harms innocent person". This also goes into why I don't like the sort of black-and-white "good people, bad people" rhetoric. I feel like it contributes to making it harder for people to recognize abuse because if the perpetrator is someone that they love and who has done many good things before then it becomes harder to grapple with why they would harm you or others.

Acknowledging the hurt she has inflicted on you doesn't make you a brat.

Thank you for your reaponse. Well i do acknowledge the hurt she has done and still does. Im sorry foe the white and balck thinking (thats something i do) I still dont understand some of it.

Im still conflicted beacuse people told me my moms freinds or family that: "oh shes just too stressed but she loves you very much." Which honestly makes me feel bad and i feel like well it isnt that bad right?

I dunno what to do later in life i tried to fix the relationship as much as i can communication, helping being there when she needs me but i dunno what to do and I blame myself beacuse im no saint. I cuz pain to her too.

My biggest fear is leaving her alone like cut off contact like other families and ik she'll abandon me in some point and it hurts so bad.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Im sorry foe the white and balck thinking (thats something i do) I still dont understand some of it.

Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong.