Venting i dont want to leave him

[uncat_]

i dont want to leave him. he is the kindest person i know, the gentlest. i cry in his arms often. but the tighter he holds me the more i cry. i want to leave, i want to leave so fucking bad. we are young right now, but have been together in a stable, healthy relationship for much longer than i expected.

he is the love of my life, my favorite fucking human in the world. he is my bestfriend.
he knows im going through this, we've had countless discussions about it.

but i dont want to hurt him. i think he is the most precious thing in the entire world, he doesnt deserve to just have me leave him like that.

he told me he wouldnt be mad. he wouldnt hate me. his parents will, though.


he loves me so dearly, he truly cares for me, even when i didn't feel i deserved it.


i have no attachment to this world anymore, i could care less about everything and everyone.


we had saw a movie in theaters today, we went back to his place, he showed me his comic book collection :) it was adorable! we had sex, and then i cried while he held me. i couldnt stop thinking about leaving, i couldnt stop thinking about how i could hurt him. god why did i have to meet such a fucking angel.

he makes me feel like myself again, he reminds me im human, when he holds me i feel safe. but i dont know how much of the world i can take for much longer. i promised him a couple years. enough time for us to get our apartment, to live the way we want to.

we have so many plans. i would love to follow through. i truly would. but this fucking illness is killing me.

we have a "safety" plan as well, if things get bad for the both of us, we'll die in each others arms. but if he does dies, his parents will go after.


im considering just getting it over with. while he still has time to get over me. while he is still young and can recover. i dont believe he would attempt after i do, but i wouldnt blame him.


i domt know what to do i dont know what to do. i dont feel like i can do this much longer.
———
i would love any advice or words in general. im kind of spiraling

 

[MarsProxy]

I lost my partner recently and can say that it hurts more than anything I've ever dealt with. I wish he could've talked to me about it, but he kept it secret until it was too late. I didn't get to say goodbye or anything. I can't say anything other than maybe continue talking to him about it all and if you're still deadset on going, then that's your right. I don't really know your pain specifically, but I hope you can work through this to determine what you want.

 

[IWishToDie]

i dont want to leave him. he is the kindest person i know, the gentlest. i cry in his arms often. but the tighter he holds me the more i cry. i want to leave, i want to leave so fucking bad. we are young right now, but have been together in a stable, healthy relationship for much longer than i expected.

he is the love of my life, my favorite fucking human in the world. he is my bestfriend.
he knows im going through this, we've had countless discussions about it.

but i dont want to hurt him. i think he is the most precious thing in the entire world, he doesnt deserve to just have me leave him like that.

he told me he wouldnt be mad. he wouldnt hate me. his parents will, though.


he loves me so dearly, he truly cares for me, even when i didn't feel i deserved it.


i have no attachment to this world anymore, i could care less about everything and everyone.


we had saw a movie in theaters today, we went back to his place, he showed me his comic book collection :) it was adorable! we had sex, and then i cried while he held me. i couldnt stop thinking about leaving, i couldnt stop thinking about how i could hurt him. god why did i have to meet such a fucking angel.

he makes me feel like myself again, he reminds me im human, when he holds me i feel safe. but i dont know how much of the world i can take for much longer. i promised him a couple years. enough time for us to get our apartment, to live the way we want to.

we have so many plans. i would love to follow through. i truly would. but this fucking illness is killing me.

we have a "safety" plan as well, if things get bad for the both of us, we'll die in each others arms. but if he does dies, his parents will go after.


im considering just getting it over with. while he still has time to get over me. while he is still young and can recover. i dont believe he would attempt after i do, but i wouldnt blame him.


i domt know what to do i dont know what to do. i dont feel like i can do this much longer.
———
i would love any advice or words in general. im kind of spiraling

What exactly is making you feel suicidal? I'm a sucker for romance so I am confused as to how you would still be suicidal after finding an angel. I'll try check back here someday soon.

 

[SexyIncél]

It's seems that you both can't plan this together, honestly & sensibly? Taking into consideration his fears (of perhaps not finding someone wonderful as you)? As well as your suffering?

Because if he really will ctb after you, that's clearly more tragic than going together

 

[uncat_]

What exactly is making you feel suicidal? I'm a sucker for romance so I am confused as to how you would still be suicidal after finding an angel. I'll try check back here someday soon.

ive been spiraling for a while now. ive been suicidal since i was 10, and for not apparent reason either.

i could say fear of failure, fear of success. but really, i just havent felt human is a long time. i feel as though i was never supposed to be here. i regret existing, and i feel so guilty for it.

im not connected to myself, and i havent been since i can remember. i honestly love who i am, but i dont know how much longer i can stay.

i think im supposed to die, to be a young death. i think im supposed to have the potential, but not have the result.

ive always yearned for self destruction, and suicide is one way to ease that pain, as well as giving in.

i just want peace. i just want to be gone again.