I don’t want to hurt my family

[seritonin_superstar]

I am so tired of living this life. There are moments of happiness but they are sprinkled around a sea of constant suffering. I want to catch the bus and I have tried to bring myself to do it in the past but the thought of my family in pain is what stops me everytime. I have a loving family and they have supported me and loved me these past few years in my battle with depression. They've paid for me to go to therapists, psychiatrists, multiple expensive residential programs, and alternative treatments. They just want to see me happy and I know if I ctb it will destroy my family. I want just want to die and be at peace but how could I do that to them? I'm constantly conflicted and it brings me to this weird state where I don't feel alive because I'm constantly thinking of death but I don't feel dead because, well, I'm still breathing. I don't know what to do and sometimes I lay at night just sobbing because I can't stop thinking of ctb and the pain it would cause them.

 

[LifeIsAChore11]

I'm the opposite, I give two shits about mine, and they give two shits about me lol.

 

[seritonin_superstar]

I'm the opposite, I give two shits about mine, and they give two shits about me lol.

Honestly I envy you in a weird way. I feel like that would make this whole process a lot easier. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a family at all so there would be nothing holding me back.

 

[LifeIsAChore11]

Honestly I envy you in a weird way. I feel like that would make this whole process a lot easier. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a family at all so there would be nothing holding me back.

And I envy someone who has family willing to pay for stuff like therapy. Grass always seems greener on the other side.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this difficult situation. I understand that it can be painful, wanting to escape from suffering yet not wanting to hurt others. I could never stay alive only for others personally, it would be unbearable. Life really is so cruel and unfair and I know that it is hard to carry on when all you want is to leave this world. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[deadgeorge]

My suffering is also caused by my family, so in a way its also a motive for me to kill myself. I want to show my mother I had the strength to do what she couldn't do (she's been threatening to kill herself ever since I was 10, so for the past 11 years). I think it's an amazing addition to ending my misery.
From my experience: It might destroy their lives, it might not, I've had family of friends who killed themselves move on rather quickly, but there's one mother I know who isn't the same ever since it happened, completely numb and gone (I met her when I was hospitalised). I know it's an egoistic take, but why should you care if you're dead? you're in essence continuing your suffering to please others, when the focus should be on your welling - which sometimes can not be achieved. I believe its up to the individual contemplating suicide to decide whether he is "hopeless", and if you made that decision a long ago there's no reason to suffer.
Just my 2 cents.

 

[seritonin_superstar]

My suffering is also caused by my family, so in a way its also a motive for me to kill myself. I want to show my mother I had the strength to do what she couldn't do (she's been threatening to kill herself ever since I was 10, so for the past 11 years). I think it's an amazing addition to ending my misery.
From my experience: It might destroy their lives, it might not, I've had family of friends who killed themselves move on rather quickly, but there's one mother I know who isn't the same ever since it happened, completely numb and gone (I met her when I was hospitalised). I know it's an egoistic take, but why should you care if you're dead? you're in essence continuing your suffering to please others, when the focus should be on your welling - which sometimes can not be achieved. I believe its up to the individual contemplating suicide to decide whether he is "hopeless", and if you made that decision a long ago there's no reason to suffer.
Just my 2 cents.

Yeah I have moments where I feel that way about ending it. Why should I keep myself alive just to please other people. I'm not responsible for other peoples happiness so why should I keep myself alive to keep them happy. It does feel like a selfish take on the whole thing but it is how I feel often.