Venting i don't want to get better

[throneofdispair03]

I don't know if this is stupid to say, but I don't want to get better. I just feel like I need to end my life and "getting help" is going to get me away from that. I feel like I need to die. I don't even have a reason for it. I don't know man, shit's kinda wack. Everything's dull and pointless. Death will be escape.

 

[jussaloser]

don't worry you're not the only one thinking this way, i think it's pretty common.
i like to call it depression clarity.

u just realized theres nothing that would make u happy and im sorry to hear that.

 

[bloodystarzklt]

i don't want to get better too, i feel like there was ppl who was born to ctb and i am one of them, also, at this point of my life seeking help would be non sense

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find the freedom you search for, it's very much understandable wishing to be free from this pointless and futile existence.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't want to get better too because what's the point? To me, what being better means is to struggle my whole life as a neurodivergent in a neurotypical world and to struggle my whole life in work as somebody with no talents or intelligence

 

[Squalo]

Life is a continuous struggle from beginning to end, and for what? To become dust at the end of the journey.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I expect this makes sense to a lot of us. Ultimately- you have to think- do I even like the look of this 'better' scenario? Even the best case scenario? Of course, there's the obvious issue that the best case scenario isn't always realistically achievable. So then, does just 'better' actually seem worth the effort? I know what you mean.

Plus yeah, there is this weird fear that any improvement might cloud our decision to CTB. I guess people would say that means we aren't 100% sure about it. I think it's more that we feel there's a possibility things will improve enough for us not to CTB but then, they'll nosedive again and we'll wonder what the hell we delayed it for! I guess though- CTB is theoretically going to be there as an option at whatever point- so long as we are capable of doing it. I do understand the thought process though.

 

[Kasumi]

I don't know if it's the same feeling, but I also feel conflicted.

On one hand I just want to be allowed a normal life, I don't want to die, but I prefer dying over suffering.
On the other hand, I'm afraid what would happen to me if I get better somehow.

I mean, all this, the pain, the fear, the exhaustion, the pressure, it has been with me for the better part of my life, it's been with me for as long as I am me, so it's like they're already a part of me,... I hate feeling afraid but I feel like if I wasn't afraid anymore I wouldn't even be the same person anymore.