I don't want to get better. Anyone else?

[Sunshine]

Even if I had a button I could click and be happy forever, I wouldn't press it.

I don't want to get better. I am fixated on being bad and killing myself. I can't explain it. It's like a curse, so irrational. Who else feels this?

 

[TimeToDie]

I'd much prefer to be all better & happy, but when I can actually come up with a list of 25 reasons to CTB it doesn't seem likely that my issues can be resolved. Some would be difficult to fix and others simply can't be fixed.

 

[not_a_robot]

hmm... i don't know, I feel like happiness is not so horrible...but I think I'd stay fairly suicidal for philosophical reasons. It would delay me. I'm a hedonist, it's hard to go home if there's one more joint to smoke, even though you know it's late.

 

[Life+me=error]

Even if I had a button I could click and be happy forever, I wouldn't press it.

I don't want to get better. I am fixated on being bad and killing myself. I can't explain it. It's like a curse, so irrational. Who else feels this?

Exactly how I feel.

 

[true faith]

I get that, it feels like a side of me is committed to depravity & spiraling. it's weird trying to balance that with the version of me that just wants to be good.

 

[whyidon'tknow]

Yeah I don't want to play by societies rules.

 

[hybridtheory]

yeah I know what you mean.
it's like you've been depressed and suicidal for so long now
that you forgot what it feels like to be happy and like the
slightest happiness you do get will feel fake or forced...and
then you're slowly waiting around wondering when it's all
going to come crashing down again.
and honestly there's not much to even be happy about..
this world sucks, every single thing about it is miserable.

 

[SerenitySeeker]

I'd much prefer to be all better & happy, but when I can actually come up with a list of 25 reasons to CTB it doesn't seem likely that my issues can be resolved. Some would be difficult to fix and others simply can't be fixed.

^^ my answer verbatim.

 

[Empty Smile]

Been there.

Tried.

Failed.

Not trying again.

Waiting for the bus is my final option.

 

[Joannf]

Even if I had a button I could click and be happy forever, I wouldn't press it.

I don't want to get better. I am fixated on being bad and killing myself. I can't explain it. It's like a curse, so irrational. Who else feels this?

Hmm. It's not unusual I guess. It's rather normal that neurotics don't want to get healed, to live without their condition - but rather want to experience-out their neurosis in a subjectively satisfactory way. This is in fact often what defines the condition. One of the greatest myths is that humans have "Free Will" - we are bots, following scripts, and some scripts are self-destructive. I don't feel this at all, but humans being rather brutal scavengers as well as social animals, we cannot independently function as individuals, that's just an idealized theory - we need to have an emotional relationship with the herd, and that relationship can develop into destructiveness, as the herd is hierarchical and forces individuals into predetermined positions, often causing aggressions. Intraverted types will usually turn destructive impulses against themselves, and suicidal people are mostly intraverted and highly emphatic, extraverted ones and Sociopaths tend to pick on them. Another problem is that while we believe to be rational, intelligent beings, we're rather highly emotional and extremely delusional ones who will often do anything but cope with reality. Just take this example : one of the most important 'human rights' is the right to follow entirely irrational beliefs. It's called 'religious freedom.' Let that sink in. We don't want reality, we want our subjectivity - even if it kills us.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Hmm. It's not unusual I guess. It's rather normal that neurotics don't want to get healed, to live without their condition - but rather want to experience-out their neurosis in a subjectively satisfactory way. This is in fact often what defines the condition. One of the greatest myths is that humans have "Free Will" - we are bots, following scripts, and some scripts are self-destructive. I don't feel this at all, but humans being rather brutal scavengers as well as social animals, we cannot independently function as individuals, that's just an idealized theory - we need to have an emotional relationship with the herd, and that relationship can develop into destructiveness, as the herd is hierarchical and forces individuals into predetermined positions, often causing aggressions. Intraverted types will usually turn destructive impulses against themselves, and suicidal people are mostly intraverted and highly emphatic, extraverted ones and Sociopaths tend to pick on them. Another problem is that while we believe to be rational, intelligent beings, we're rather highly emotional and extremely delusional ones who will often do anything but cope with reality. Just take this example : one of the most important 'human rights' is the right to follow entirely irrational beliefs. It's called 'religious freedom.' Let that sink in. We don't want reality, we want our subjectivity - even if it kills us.

That's why a lot of people feel manipulated by healthcare, what they're really uncomfortable about is determinism

 

[Life+me=error]

Even if I had a button I could click and be happy forever, I wouldn't press it.

I don't want to get better. I am fixated on being bad and killing myself. I can't explain it. It's like a curse, so irrational. Who else feels this?

I feel like that too most likey because I lack self love.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Even if I had a button I could click and be happy forever, I wouldn't press it.

I don't want to get better. I am fixated on being bad and killing myself. I can't explain it. It's like a curse, so irrational. Who else feels this?

The only button I want to press it the death button. Then I will be happy.

 

[Suicidal4Ever]

Even if I had a button I could click and be happy forever, I wouldn't press it.

I don't want to get better. I am fixated on being bad and killing myself. I can't explain it. It's like a curse, so irrational. Who else feels this?

There was a time when once i wanted to get better. Now I just want to die. Even if i won a billion dollars

The only button I want to press it the death button. Then I will be happy.

Imagine if there was a button/pressure point that if pushed caused instant death. World population would be cut in half

 

[Mbound]

I feel like the existential terror has gotten so great for me that checking out is the only cure. I don't think there's any going back at this point as I have absolutely no desire for the terrible parts of life that await us all (losing loved ones, physical deterioration and aging, getting fired or cheated on or divorced), the "good" parts (marriage, kids, etc) and I especially don't look forward to the bad parts customized just for me. It all just feels like an incredible burden and my body and mind feel like they've already been pushed to their limits at my young age.

Unconsciousness calls to me every single day as I'm ripped from it every morning.

 

[Severen]

Even if I had a button I could click and be happy forever, I wouldn't press it.

I don't want to get better. I am fixated on being bad and killing myself. I can't explain it. It's like a curse, so irrational. Who else feels this?

Extreme self loathing?

 

[deltahead]

happiness feels creepy to me. i've never experienced it and have no desire to. when i think of myself being "happy" i think of what is pretty much a serial killer in disguise trying to mingle with others. just this horrible skin-crawling sensation of farcicality. i don't think i could ever attain "happiness" without making some severe logic leaps and olympic-level mental gymnastics just to basically go "yes i surrender to my brain chemicals, please just flood me with dopamine i'll do anything to keep this going", and somehow the cognitive dissonance wouldn't just drive me insane immediately. honestly, i'd take that fucking button and chuck it into the ocean, then get even more self-destructive just to spite whatever cosmic force summoned this thing in front of me.

i doubt i'm even capable of it, but i don't want to be happy.

 

[wanttodie]

I don't want to get better. I want my life to be over ​

 

[Sunshine]

Extreme self loathing?

I'm not sure if that is the word.

 

[Severen]

I'm not sure if that is the word.

Hatred of this world? A desire for revenge?

 

[Sunshine]

Hatred of this world? A desire for revenge?

I dislike myself, there are many things that aren't good. But I don't feel intense self loathing. Despite that I still feel fixation on dying. I guess it is different for everyone and similar all the same.

 

[been_there]

Wot's "better" ?

 

[Jean Améry]

Perhaps it's because you don't know or don't remember what happiness feels like. I sure don't.

 

[JoeFailure]

I would love to get better and live. I would love for my ADHD to ease and to have some money and a decent job. There's lots of things I enjoy in life and would treat a woman like a princess, I just don't have money and have trouble holding a decent enough job to do all of it.

 

[not_a_robot]

happiness feels creepy to me. i've never experienced it and have no desire to. when i think of myself being "happy" i think of what is pretty much a serial killer in disguise trying to mingle with others. just this horrible skin-crawling sensation of farcicality. i don't think i could ever attain "happiness" without making some severe logic leaps and olympic-level mental gymnastics just to basically go "yes i surrender to my brain chemicals, please just flood me with dopamine i'll do anything to keep this going", and somehow the cognitive dissonance wouldn't just drive me insane immediately. honestly, i'd take that fucking button and chuck it into the ocean, then get even more self-destructive just to spite whatever cosmic force summoned this thing in front of me.

i doubt i'm even capable of it, but i don't want to be happy.

I don't want you to be suicidal. What a travesty it would be to remove such beautiful angst from the world.

 

[Notlivingjustbreathi]

I'm scared to get better, I admit I do want to but I'm scared that if I do something is going to happen and It will bring me back down as always, its happened so many times that I had given up.

 

[Roger]

Imagine if there was a button/pressure point that if pushed caused instant death. World population would be cut in half

There are one or two around. Vladimir has one, so does The Donald.

 

[Codieb1]

People have been telling me "it gets better" for over ten years and it's done absolutely nothing but get worse and worse. I've learned to just let go, like what's the point of it being better if I'm eventually going to die anyway?

 

[RM5998]

I don't think there is a 'better' for things like me. I don't know what else to be apart from what I am.

 

[262653]

I don't see how getting better and dying are mutually exclusive... for a long time already. At this point I'm just following habits. I guess you could call the reluctance to overwrite the behavioral patterns with more life-compatible ones as irrational...
But by better you probably meant to settle down among the living? Yeah, no. No, no, no, no, no... Actually, yes.
I want to get better by withdrawning from video games completely because they're too time-consuming and repetitive, and don't allow the flight of fantasy that movies do, and especially books. So I'll probably just live in the imaginary world while my condition allows.
I agree with the brain chemical thing. Once I took the step back and saw a bigger picture, there is no coming back.
Its like escaping successfully from a prison and and then wanting to return. Why would I want that...