I don't want to die

[godsforgiveme]

I don't want to die. I want to live, so bad. I always have. I've known I would kill myself since I was 11. I didn't because I truly hoped and believed that things would get better, that they had to. That if I tried hard enough I could be ok. That bad things can't happen to good people forever. But now I'm 31 and things are worse than ever. There is no way out of the situation I am in. I don't want a lot. Just a quiet life in the middle of nowhere, no neighbors, being able to be in nature. Not being in so much pain all the time. Not being incapable of basic self care. Not being struggling financially so much and so hungry all the time. Not being too exhausted to move, beyond capacity, every small thing overdrawing an already negative account. Not being so deep in autistic burnout. Not being told how bad I am and every way that I ruin things every day by the person I love. There is no way out of the situation. But I want to live. I don't want to die. I'm so scared of dying. I don't want to I don't want to. I've always wanted to live and it hurts so much to know that I never can.

I feel like I'm in a matryoshka doll of hundreds of cages. If I could get out of one, there are hundreds more and they're all trapped. Calling a line won't change my life. Going to the hospital just makes things worse. I've been involuntarily held 15 times in my life and it never helps. It just takes away the few comforts I have for a loud overstimulating prison for a few days just to be back in the same situation after.

I do know that my family and partner will be relieved and happy. I have always been nothing but a burden. They probably won't say it out loud but I know this to be true. Knowing me is a curse. Just a miserable useless person. Who cares if I'm good inside. I have never been able to be ok. No matter how hard I tried. I tried so hard.

I am 31 and have been toiling as long as I can remember, exhausted, miserable, unwell, more energy than I have, all spent on survival. None of it was building useful experience or wealth or education. So I have nothing but more toiling to look forward to for the rest of my life. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I am tired. I do not have it in me. I haven't for a long time.

I'm so sad things won't get better and that it's too late and there's no other way out. I truly just wanted a simple life. I wanted to be happy and free. Or at least just not actively this deep in despair and exhaustion for this long.

I don't want to do it. I want to live so bad. But I'm too tired and this is not living.

 

[OnnanokoNiNaritai]

I understand you... Not in the same level since i am nowhere near your age but i know the feeling of wanting to live, just in a different way.
You need to be proud of yourself because u always kept going all the way until today.
I dont know what is your exact finacial situation but there is ALWAYS a way out,. It might not be the easiest but it is the way for u to live the life as u always wanted.
Im telling you that if u managed to even after being faced whit so many problems and toughts still live up and have hopes for the future i am 100% sure you are more than capable of being able to get out of that anxiety and financially unstable hole.
It takes a milion financial disasters to get even close to what you are going trough, yet u still managed to keep going and if u survived that u can turn arround your situation too.
I belive in yiu and im sure others do
U dont annoy or anything else your partner because if u did then i dont see why he/she would have not left u yet so its an obvious proof of their love for u.
People love u and belive that u can do it and you will do, u just need to keep going for a litle more.
Im here if u need anything

 

[Mr.Ruben]

I force myself by telling how lucky I am, which of course will not solve the problems, just a part of the mental, how I have a roof, water, possibility to talk to people o a computer.

for the case of living peacefully, it's mostly what you would see where I live, seniors, adults, with their terrain, some building something, some in agriculture, horse care givers, and most will never be able to buy a house, simply surviving with a smile, I feel how one must have understood life better than me, at least mentally
but you must be honest to yourself, one must gain some sort of strength, to go forward, at least on a positive note (I get a habit of forgetting everything and listening to music) or ask for help if you can't do it alone