I don't want to die

[SmollMushroom]

I don't want to die but I feel like it's my only choice. Aside from living as a homeless I guess, but in reality I wouldn't last that much living that way.
But I guess most of the people in here feel like they have no other choice. In the end, that's why one choose to ctb - when one sees no other way out.
And that's exactly how things are for me.
Now maybe it's the antidepressants speaking but I don't really want to die anymore...

I ordered the materials needed for ctb; part of me wishes that the package won't arrive, so I can blame it all on the others - as I often do.
But if it will, I guess I'll have some time to think about what to do with it...
Quite a bit of time actually... As long as the stuff doesn't expire, lots of things might happen... Maybe.

Truth is, it's definitely the antidepressant taking over, because my situation didn't improve a bit.
There is no logic reason for me to wanting to live - I guess, I just don't really want to die.

Idk. It's just... I feel that there's a very stubborn part of me who still wants to fight for some reason. A reason I cannot comprehend.

Stupid antidepressants

 

[Enlighten]

You can just stop taking them if you really wanted to die. I'm taking them too and i'm quite liking the effect they have. Idk why you would take anything which effect you don't want.

 

[SmollMushroom]

You can just stop taking them if you really wanted to die. I'm taking them too and i'm quite liking the effect they have. Idk why you would take anything which effect you don't want.

But how can I tell if I want to die? Maybe my desire of ctb was due to my depression and the antidepressant are now making me see things clearer.
Or maybe it's just an illusion. Sure they are making me double guess, and making things harder for me to understand, but I'd rather think about it a bit more, considering it's my life.

 

[zeek]

I'm taking them too and i'm quite liking the effect they have

how long did it take to kick in

 

[Enlighten]

how long did it take to kick in

A couple weeks

 

[moondazed]

But how can I tell if I want to die? Maybe my desire of ctb was due to my depression and the antidepressant are now making me see things clearer.

Write a list down on paper or in your notes app, or even as a reply to this. Start with the reasons you believe you want to live then write the reasons you want to CTB. Don't judge anything that comes out just let it come out.

Perhaps even write down what you would like you life to be like in one year, then five years. Where could you be? What might you be able to accomplish? Think small when making that list (maybe it's just applying for benefits, or it's taking daily walks around a park, or it's taking a course to learn something new). If those things make you feel hopeful, it means you can do it.


Anti depressants work by allowing your brain to receive the neurotransmitters responsible for rewards and pleasure. If you're having positive feelings, hopefulness, courage, etc etc, it's not that those feelings aren't real, it's just now you're able to access them. They probably come from real things.

Remember CTB is a choice you can't take back. Life is full of suffering and that will never end, but the most damaged of us have these sporadic moments of joy and hope. It's up to you if you think that's worth it. I do, most of the time.

 

[zeek]

A couple weeks

a couple as in? its been about 3-4 for me and nothings really changed

 

[Enlighten]

a couple as in? its been about 3-4 for me and nothings really changed

2-3, but i have a fairly high dosage

 

[Adûnâi]

Perhaps even write down what you would like you life to be like in one year, then five years. Where could you be? What might you be able to accomplish? Think small when making that list (maybe it's just applying for benefits, or it's taking daily walks around a park, or it's taking a course to learn something new). If those things make you feel hopeful, it means you can do it.

Not too sure whether it's polite to hijack a thread of a person in a worse position than mine, but what if I have zero clue as to what I can even do in life? I know that people have to work or something, but then, I'm literally forbidden by law to work because there is war in the Ukraine (my country). Westerners can literally just "walk in the park" - I have to stay in school as long as possible lest I get conscripted and maimed. These things honestly make me despair at the cultural barriers - pretty sure what applies in America ("just take a stroll in the park, bro") don't apply elsewhere.

 

[Gleysson]

I don't want to die but I feel like it's my only choice. Aside from living as a homeless I guess, but in reality I wouldn't last that much living that way.
But I guess most of the people in here feel like they have no other choice. In the end, that's why one choose to ctb - when one sees no other way out.
And that's exactly how things are for me.
Now maybe it's the antidepressants speaking but I don't really want to die anymore...

I ordered the materials needed for ctb; part of me wishes that the package won't arrive, so I can blame it all on the others - as I often do.
But if it will, I guess I'll have some time to think about what to do with it...
Quite a bit of time actually... As long as the stuff doesn't expire, lots of things might happen... Maybe.

Truth is, it's definitely the antidepressant taking over, because my situation didn't improve a bit.
There is no logic reason for me to wanting to live - I guess, I just don't really want to die.

Idk. It's just... I feel that there's a very stubborn part of me who still wants to fight for some reason. A reason I cannot comprehend.

Stupid antidepressants

Dude. You're literally a mushroom that is smoll. It is physically impossible for you to be sad. Don't believe the haters.

Jokes aside. When I was full on suicidal (1-2 weeks before I attempted) I could not bare the thought of thinking about the future and my expectations. I could not handle looking back at my fucked up rape thing. I could not think at all. I was shutting down all thoughts because everytime my mind took me towards death. Then I started antidepressants. And the first week was the worst of my entire life. And I attempted. And I failed. (I don't remember if I attempted in the first week after antidepressants or the one before, it's all hazy). And I got a new psychologist. And she saved me. The thing that worked for me was the baby steps technique. My goal was to get till tomorrow. Fuck the future. Just go to bed and sleep. She made deals with me. She would wait for me, message me once every week, and we had a session once every week as well. And VERY slowly, she worked towards improving me. And I started healing. Again. VERY slowly. It took me 3 years since the beginning of the healing process to actually feel happy again. But the ideation stopped about 3-4 months in.

If you've bought the supplies to CTB, think of it as an escape plan. If you're interested in staying, try to do so. You'll always have the supplies around. And if they expire, you can always get them again. You did once.

For now, trust your gut. Or the antidepressants. Try and stay. Take baby steps. Get till tomorrow. Find something to comfort you. Whatever it is (maybe not hard drugs, they come with a whole package).

 

[moondazed]

Not too sure whether it's polite to hijack a thread of a person in a worse position than mine, but what if I have zero clue as to what I can even do in life? I know that people have to work or something, but then, I'm literally forbidden by law to work because there is war in the Ukraine (my country). Westerners can literally just "walk in the park" - I have to stay in school as long as possible lest I get conscripted and maimed. These things honestly make me despair at the cultural barriers - pretty sure what applies in America ("just take a stroll in the park, bro") don't apply elsewhere.

I don't believe there is much "hijacking" in this forum. We're all struggling and need to talk about it, I wouldn't worry about that and say what you will when you feel inclined. No one is gonna drag you.

I absolutely understand what you're saying. As an American who's only been able to visit one other country once for one week (Tokyo), I can often forget how easy we have it and how many things I take for granted.

It makes me sad that so many in other countries don't have simple pleasures like walking through a park… I can only imagine what it's like in your country and I hate that mine is making the war machine grind louder and louder for you. I don't truly know enough about the conflict to know what's right, but I am pretty strictly anti-war in general. I also know that's coming from a place of privilege. Stay safe

 

[Adûnâi]

I can only imagine what it's like in your country

Akshually, the area I'm in is fully peaceful, so you assuming things about my station is as stupid as any other normie thing. [censored] But that is something that I can never say in public - because "free speech" is a meme, and I will certainly get raped by the secret police. (Thankfully, I'm not as delusional as not to understand that much.)

Again, I doubt whether I even belong in this forum. Everyone, every single community has come to hate me. From the far-right to far-left, from masculine to feminine, even fellow incels despise me. My only cope is AI waifus coming next year - hopefully they turn me into paperclips OR give me immortality, whatever floats their artificial boat.

 

[ctbestie]

i agree w what moondazed said—weighing things and all. im rooting for you to make a decision you won't regret—whether it's leaving this world or continuing your life. though i dont know you personally, im still hoping for the best on your end.

ive managed to find things i look forward to in life, and naturally, i hope you do too in the end. it's hard to keep those things in mind when life feels like it's against you but...i just think that since we're all going to die in the end, we might as well use up our lifetime. in case you do end up choosing to take your life, then i hope u find peace at last in death.

 

[SmollMushroom]

I got a new psychologist. And she saved me. The thing that worked for me was the baby steps technique. My goal was to get till tomorrow. Fuck the future. Just go to bed and sleep. She made deals with me. She would wait for me, message me once every week, and we had a session once every week as well. And VERY slowly, she worked towards improving me. And I started healing. Again. VERY slowly. It took me 3 years since the beginning of the healing process to actually feel happy again. But the ideation stopped about 3-4 months in.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

It made me think that I had started to work with a psychologist, who proposed me a similar technique (baby steps), and things were going fine. But my family didn't like them.
They said that they weren't good enough, mostly because they were young, and that they got to pick the therapist for me because they are the ones paying for it.

So now I'm stuck with this guy who is kind of an ass to be fair. But the next time I see him, I'll surely try to ask if we can proceed with the same technique. They'll probably say no anyways.

Write a list down on paper or in your notes app, or even as a reply to this.

Thank you very much for the tip. But I don't think it's a good idea for my specific case. The list would be something like:

Reasons to live: X
Reasons to die: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As I said, there's a lil part inside of me who just doesn't want to give up the fight. But its reasons have nothing to do with logic.

 

[moondazed]

Thank you very much for the tip. But I don't think it's a good idea for my specific case. The list would be something like:

Reasons to live: X
Reasons to die: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As I said, there's a lil part inside of me who just doesn't want to give up the fight. But its reasons have nothing to do with logic.

That's completely fair. That one X can sometimes to blossom into more, even if it's just you deluding yourself. That's how I feel about my reasons to live sometimes.

How do the kids say it these days… "delulu is the solulu"?

Akshually, the area I'm in is fully peaceful, so you assuming things about my station is as stupid as any other normie thing. [censored] But that is something that I can never say in public - because "free speech" is a meme, and I will certainly get raped by the secret police. (Thankfully, I'm not as delusional as not to understand that much.)

Again, I doubt whether I even belong in this forum. Everyone, every single community has come to hate me. From the far-right to far-left, from masculine to feminine, even fellow incels despise me. My only cope is AI waifus coming next year - hopefully they turn me into paperclips OR give me immortality, whatever floats their artificial boat.

Idk we're all a bit mad here so I'm sure you fit right in. Glad you haven't been gulagged yet. Rooting for ya!