I don’t want to die

[koweday]

I recently moved back to the US after chasing one of my biggest dreams abroad. I gave up everything to work at an animal "sanctuary" because I've always wanted to save animals (cats in particular) on a large scale. I had volunteered at the place twice before, and it seemed like a dream come true.

Well, behind the curtains was abuse. And neglect. Starvation and suffering. Unspeakable things happening to these innocent animals who had come from the lowest levels of hell, only to be raised to the middle. The stuff the public got to see was perfect, but what I saw…my dream was an actual nightmare.

I stayed for as long as I could. I helped as many of them as I could. I saved many from dying, and I helped many die as peacefully as possible. I cleaned their noses, I brought them treats, I kissed their faces and told them how much they mattered to the world. That they were loved, and good, and important.

I'm home now and I hate myself for leaving. I got myself to "safety" but I left all of them behind. Who is there to clean their noses? Who will kiss their faces and make sure they know love? Who will hold them as they're dying?

I was in the best mental health of my life before starting work there. It wasn't perfect, but I had actually started saving money for a future I never thought I'd have. I don't know how to recover from this.

How can I be here while they suffer? How can I laugh or be happy knowing what's happening to them? The most perfect little angels, all of them children to me now. If all of this was happening at a place like that…I can't imagine what happens elsewhere.

My hope has been shattered. Every breath is pain. Do I go back and continue to witness that kind of suffering every day? All while pretending things are perfect for the guests? Or do I stay here, and pretend everything is fine.

I feel like either way I will ctb. The darkness I had been able to push aside is thicker than it's ever been now.

How do I recover from this? Can I?

I have no one to call. People are sick of my sadness. They don't understand me. I don't think anyone has ever understood my heart.

They aren't "just cats" and, no, I don't feel my life is more important. I don't feel like I did the right thing. I feel selfish and broken and angry.

I don't want to die. But I feel like I don't have a choice in this kind of world.

I came here because I know you understand.

"For those most sensitive among us, the noise can be too much."

Thank you for listening, and for any support you may have

 

[SoftWorries]

It's very difficult to be an animal rights activist. People in my group have had breakdowns from caregivers burn out. They never felt like they were doing enough.

I had to stop when every Saturday one member would write, "To remind you all the animals don't have the chance to have a 'Nice Saturday" to ensure everyone had their full focus on activism for the weekend.

But you're also an animal. A descendant of the first mammal. And like all living things you do deserve a nice life. You even deserve a nice Saturday.

 

[LigottiSchopenhauer]

I know exactly how you feel. Back when I had hope, I tried to work in the mental health care field. I found out that "mental health care" is a load of bullshit, and that therapists and other mental health providers are more concerned with controlling and coercing the mentally ill than with trying to help them live better lives. I'm not surprised that animal shelters are the same way, staffed mostly by people who don't care and are more concerned with making money than with helping and saving animals. In my experience, the professions that supposedly are the most morally good and compassionate are often the ones that actually do the most damage.

 

[miserabletires9]

Was it intentional abuse? Or was it neglect because the shelter lacked resources and money?

If the latter, then you can be more understanding.

 

[Unlucked]

I recently moved back to the US after chasing one of my biggest dreams abroad. I gave up everything to work at an animal "sanctuary" because I've always wanted to save animals (cats in particular) on a large scale. I had volunteered at the place twice before, and it seemed like a dream come true.

Well, behind the curtains was abuse. And neglect. Starvation and suffering. Unspeakable things happening to these innocent animals who had come from the lowest levels of hell, only to be raised to the middle. The stuff the public got to see was perfect, but what I saw…my dream was an actual nightmare.

I stayed for as long as I could. I helped as many of them as I could. I saved many from dying, and I helped many die as peacefully as possible. I cleaned their noses, I brought them treats, I kissed their faces and told them how much they mattered to the world. That they were loved, and good, and important.

I'm home now and I hate myself for leaving. I got myself to "safety" but I left all of them behind. Who is there to clean their noses? Who will kiss their faces and make sure they know love? Who will hold them as they're dying?

I was in the best mental health of my life before starting work there. It wasn't perfect, but I had actually started saving money for a future I never thought I'd have. I don't know how to recover from this.

How can I be here while they suffer? How can I laugh or be happy knowing what's happening to them? The most perfect little angels, all of them children to me now. If all of this was happening at a place like that…I can't imagine what happens elsewhere.

My hope has been shattered. Every breath is pain. Do I go back and continue to witness that kind of suffering every day? All while pretending things are perfect for the guests? Or do I stay here, and pretend everything is fine.

I feel like either way I will ctb. The darkness I had been able to push aside is thicker than it's ever been now.

How do I recover from this? Can I?

I have no one to call. People are sick of my sadness. They don't understand me. I don't think anyone has ever understood my heart.

They aren't "just cats" and, no, I don't feel my life is more important. I don't feel like I did the right thing. I feel selfish and broken and angry.

I don't want to die. But I feel like I don't have a choice in this kind of world.

I came here because I know you understand.

"For those most sensitive among us, the noise can be too much."

Thank you for listening, and for any support you may have

God, I feel like you are such a compassionate human being. You are too good for this world, I guess in this case your overflowing empathy has been to your own detriment. It's hard when it's animals in particular, especially cats and dogs, because they are so innocent, almost like babies.

I'm sorry hun, I wish I could offer you some comfort, it really sucks, I can only hope God exists or there is some form of afterlife for sentient beings where they won't suffer and they will get the love they deserve. Probably there is more suffering unbeknownst to you and more unspeakable animal cruelties that you can't even fathom going on, it's hard to live a normal life knowing that, but you must persevere, even if you cant save all of them, you can make a difference for as much as you can, and I dont think that isnt worth anything just because you cant save them all. And you are right, it isn't "just cats". Cats and dogs are the purest things to exist, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my pupper, I cant have any actual children but he's my baby, I would go to hell and back for him.

Please don't give up, you can still make more of a difference. Please rest up, and when you are ready do what you are passionate about. Maybe adopt a stray. :)

 

[koweday]

Was it intentional abuse? Or was it neglect because the shelter lacked resources and money?

If the latter, then you can be more understanding.

Intentional. The sanctuary is quite well known and has plenty of money. There is absolutely no excuse for the things that happen there.

It's very difficult to be an animal rights activist. People in my group have had breakdowns from caregivers burn out. They never felt like they were doing enough.

I had to stop when every Saturday one member would write, "To remind you all the animals don't have the chance to have a 'Nice Saturday" to ensure everyone had their full focus on activism for the weekend.

But you're also an animal. A descendant of the first mammal. And like all living things you do deserve a nice life. You even deserve a nice Saturday.

Thank you so, so much. That last paragraph really got me

 

[Unlucked]

Intentional. The sanctuary is quite well known and has plenty of money. There is absolutely no excuse for the things that happen there.

:( do you have any proof, you could cause a storm if it got out that they were abusing cats and you anonymously published some proof. How would they know it's you?

Tread carefully though, these things can have legal consequences if you aren't careful.

 

[GreenTree]

You sound lovely. What a lovely thing to do.

 

[miserabletires9]

Intentional. The sanctuary is quite well known and has plenty of money. There is absolutely no excuse for the things that happen there.

Thank you so, so much. That last paragraph really got me

Can you say the name of the sanctuary

 

[koweday]

God, I feel like you are such a compassionate human being. You are too good for this world, I guess in this case your overflowing empathy has been to your own detriment. It's hard when it's animals in particular, especially cats and dogs, because they are so innocent, almost like babies.

I'm sorry hun, I wish I could offer you some comfort, it really sucks, I can only hope God exists or there is some form of afterlife for sentient beings where they won't suffer and they will get the love they deserve. Probably there is more suffering unbeknownst to you and more unspeakable animal cruelties that you can't even fathom going on, it's hard to live a normal life knowing that, but you must persevere, even if you cant save all of them, you can make a difference for as much as you can, and I dont think that isnt worth anything just because you cant save them all. And you are right, it isn't "just cats". Cats and dogs are the purest things to exist, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my pupper, I cant have any actual children but he's my baby, I would go to hell and back for him.

Please don't give up, you can still make more of a difference. Please rest up, and when you are ready do what you are passionate about. Maybe adopt a stray. :)

That's one of the things I would always tell them, especially in the weeks leading up to my departure.

I'd say to them, "Little angels, I'm so sorry this is happening, I don't know why it isn't easier for you. I don't know what happens after we die, but I've asked the universe to please let me have a cat heaven, where all of you can come and we'll be together forever in an actually perfect place. I think maybe that's why we had to meet here, so we'd know how to find each other after."

And that's about the only hope I have left. That I can die and be somewhere with them forever in a good place.

Can you say the name of the sanctuary

I can't right now. I've thought a lot about exposing them, but unfortunately in that country there's no where better for the animals to go - that place is sadly as good as it gets. If they were exposed I can't imagine what would happen to the animals. They'd go back to the lowest levels of hell.

It's just the hardest situation.

:( do you have any proof, you could cause a storm if it got out that they were abusing cats and you anonymously published some proof. How would they know it's you?

Tread carefully though, these things can have legal consequences if you aren't careful.

I've thought about it, and even talked about it with a few trusted people, but it's not in the best interest of all the animals. That country has no where else these animals could go. If it was here in the US, there'd be hundreds of shelters and thousands of people lined up to rescue these animals, but that help doesn't exist there. If I expose them, all the animals go back to the lowest levels of hell.

 

[Unlucked]

That's one of the things I would always tell them, especially in the weeks leading up to my departure.

I'd say to them, "Little angels, I'm so sorry this is happening, I don't know why it isn't easier for you. I don't know what happens after we die, but I've asked the universe to please let me have a cat heaven, where all of you can come and we'll be together forever in an actually perfect place. I think maybe that's why we had to meet here, so we'd know how to find each other after."

And that's about the only hope I have left. That I can die and be somewhere with them forever in a good place.

I can't right now. I've thought a lot about exposing them, but unfortunately in that country there's no where better for the animals to go - that place is sadly as good as it gets. If they were exposed I can't imagine what would happen to the animals. They'd go back to the lowest levels of hell.

It's just the hardest situation.

I've thought about it, and even talked about it with a few trusted people, but it's not in the best interest of all the animals. That country has no where else these animals could go. If it was here in the US, there'd be hundreds of shelters and thousands of people lined up to rescue these animals, but that help doesn't exist there. If I expose them, all the animals go back to the lowest levels of hell.

Aweh gosh I'm so sorry, sounds like it's the best "worst" place for them. Sounds to me like you are having caregiver burnout too... please don't feel like you abandoned them, you did what you could and that's what counts. Ugh, I'd give you a hug if I could. So sorry you had to step away, its nothing to feel bad about, your mental health matters too, and sometimes we have to look away when theres nothing we can do, otherwise you cant bear it, and thats okay, thats human... I hope you can overcome the guilt you are feeling one day. I hope you will eventually be reunited with your babies too :). . . I believe in an afterlife as ive seen some crazy ass paranormal things in my life if that's any consolation.

I'm sure you'll see them again, I hope karma is real though because holy fuck I think some people are evading it as heck

 

[Forever Sleep]

This must have been really distressing. I suppose you could report them- if the abuse was intentional. I don't know if you can do that annonymously. I expect there are other people there that care. If it's like most companies- it likely has a whole mixed bag of people. The sad thing is though- the REALLY sensitive and compassionate ones may well not be able to cope with seeing the suffering and leave. I don't think you should feel bad though- you tried your best. You can't save them all- sadly.

I remember hearing soneone say once (and I've forgotten who...) If you want to find out about a society- look at how it treats its animals. I think that's true...

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that once one has awareness of the horrors of existing, they cannot really "recover" from it, as it's the reality that there are unlimited amounts of undeserved cruelty, torture and abuse in this world. The irrational thing would to be content with this horrific reality, as the fact is that the amount of suffering being experienced in this world is unimaginable and beyond comprehension.

 

[koweday]

Hey friends,

It's been a month now and I'm still suffering greatly. I'm back at my old US job, but it feels even more meaningless than before I left. I still cry almost instantly any time I'm not distracted. I've never watched so much television, or played so many apps.

I don't know what to do. I really don't want to die, but after all these years of thinking about CTB, maybe it's just my time. I don't know how I could leave the three cats I have, though. I am so overwhelmed, I am so exhausted. I can't find hope in my future, I'm excited about nothing, and I feel so alone.

I'm grateful for everyone here who understands my brain. I'm glad I can be honest. Thank you for listening to me.

 

[Aisley]

Trying to think of a way around this for you. Politics, like who killed Kennedy kind of politics, music, but at the end of the day, in a literal way, it'll be the quiet moments that are ugliest. If I'd seen what you've seen, I'd be where you are now. But I've always known that, and kept myself as ignorant as possible about this sort of thing. And hug my babies like it makes it better for every cat, in a very vague and ineffectual kind of way.
If your life is forfeit anyway, then why not go back? I mean, it's torture either way, right?

 

[helplessufferer]

all the misery and cruelty humans inflict on other animals is unfathomable. not just the animals society define as "pets", i refer to all animals. can't forget about farm animals becase we torture them in such a massive scale on purpose. humanity is so fuckn disgusting, world would certainly be a better place without homo sapiens on it.

i also have a cat and absolutely understand how you may feel when you think about leaving them. they won't know what happened and expect you to come back every day, maybe for the rest of their lives. it is heart-wrenching.

 

[existentialistdump]

I recently moved back to the US after chasing one of my biggest dreams abroad. I gave up everything to work at an animal "sanctuary" because I've always wanted to save animals (cats in particular) on a large scale. I had volunteered at the place twice before, and it seemed like a dream come true.

Well, behind the curtains was abuse. And neglect. Starvation and suffering. Unspeakable things happening to these innocent animals who had come from the lowest levels of hell, only to be raised to the middle. The stuff the public got to see was perfect, but what I saw…my dream was an actual nightmare.

I stayed for as long as I could. I helped as many of them as I could. I saved many from dying, and I helped many die as peacefully as possible. I cleaned their noses, I brought them treats, I kissed their faces and told them how much they mattered to the world. That they were loved, and good, and important.

I'm home now and I hate myself for leaving. I got myself to "safety" but I left all of them behind. Who is there to clean their noses? Who will kiss their faces and make sure they know love? Who will hold them as they're dying?

I was in the best mental health of my life before starting work there. It wasn't perfect, but I had actually started saving money for a future I never thought I'd have. I don't know how to recover from this.

How can I be here while they suffer? How can I laugh or be happy knowing what's happening to them? The most perfect little angels, all of them children to me now. If all of this was happening at a place like that…I can't imagine what happens elsewhere.

My hope has been shattered. Every breath is pain. Do I go back and continue to witness that kind of suffering every day? All while pretending things are perfect for the guests? Or do I stay here, and pretend everything is fine.

I feel like either way I will ctb. The darkness I had been able to push aside is thicker than it's ever been now.

How do I recover from this? Can I?

I have no one to call. People are sick of my sadness. They don't understand me. I don't think anyone has ever understood my heart.

They aren't "just cats" and, no, I don't feel my life is more important. I don't feel like I did the right thing. I feel selfish and broken and angry.

I don't want to die. But I feel like I don't have a choice in this kind of world.

I came here because I know you understand.

"For those most sensitive among us, the noise can be too much."

Thank you for listening, and for any support you may have

As a fellow cat lover I know exactly how you feel it's so sad how these animals can suffer and how people can neglect them so easily . I understand what you witnessed is hard . You are simply trying your best and I applaud you for not only that but going out of your way for doing something good . You are awesome! Everyone thinks differently about connections between people and their pets I personally feel like my cats are my children and if anything were to happen to them I would simply die , they're my crutch they're what's keeping me here , my reason for staying . Maybe for you helping these animals will be your reason too . As silly or childish it may look to others for caring so deeply , none of that matters . There are groups on fb and other websites you can join who share your passion and won't judge you and can relate to the feelings you are experiencing.

 

[koweday]

Hi friends,

Me again with a six month update that will mostly end with a question on using propranolol to ctb.

I got medicated for anxiety and depression, tried therapy, and have spent six months more or less as a dissociated zombie on my couch. I haven't been able to engage in anything I used to love, and my life feels completely worthless except for my cats.

I'm here because I'm considering catching the bus and my doctor prescribed me propranolol a few months ago. I mostly don't take it because it makes me feel weird, and I only just made the connection I could maybe use all these saved up pills for another purpose. I have about 100 10mgs and can get another bottle today if I want.

My mind isn't made up yet, because I need to know my cats will be safe if I go, but does anyone know what kind of death a propranolol overdose will cause? Peaceful or painful?

Thank you for your continued support - I am so grateful for all of you

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I know you're planning to ctb, or at least actively considering it, but I wanted to say that I deeply relate to what you spoke about.
It does sound like caregiver burnout and you look like a very empathetic and caring person, which is what's causing you so much pain. I am similar. I got emotionally burn out from years of helping the elderly, watching them die, and then helping people with depression, anxiety and other problems.

Seeing the horrors you saw changes people...and animals are so vulnerable...
I keep hamsters and I've seen several up for adoption that were in such a state of neglect and abuse that it's hard to forget, especially being considered worthless cheap pets, which is so far from the truth.

All of this to say that you sound like a wonderful person that deserves better. I wish you can feel better...

 

[𝗟𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆]

People don't want to end their life, they only want to end their pain.

 

[therenexuefrbue]

Hi friends,

Me again with a six month update that will mostly end with a question on using propranolol to ctb.

I got medicated for anxiety and depression, tried therapy, and have spent six months more or less as a dissociated zombie on my couch. I haven't been able to engage in anything I used to love, and my life feels completely worthless except for my cats.

I'm here because I'm considering catching the bus and my doctor prescribed me propranolol a few months ago. I mostly don't take it because it makes me feel weird, and I only just made the connection I could maybe use all these saved up pills for another purpose. I have about 100 10mgs and can get another bottle today if I want.

My mind isn't made up yet, because I need to know my cats will be safe if I go, but does anyone know what kind of death a propranolol overdose will cause? Peaceful or painful?

Thank you for your continued support - I am so grateful for all of you

there's a few reports of propranolol used for ctb on pubmed. here's some of what's been reported:

"The patient was brought to the hospital in an unresponsive state within 30 minutes of ingestion. He was initially stabilized but subsequently died nine hours after the drug was ingested." [1]

"Fifteen empty packages, each having contained ten 40-mg propranolol tablets, were found without any tablets leftover in his room [...] The cause of death was attributed to acute cardiac arrest due to severe acute propranolol intoxication from self-poisoning" [2] (this was a does of 6000mg or 6g)

"The most lipophilic β-blockers, particularly propranolol, may also easily cross the blood-brain barrier and may cause seizures in overdose situations"
"29% of individuals who received a propranolol overdose suffered seizures"
"dosages greater than 1.5 g have been associated with seizures"
"mortality occurs at [plasma concentration] levels greater than 3 μg/mL" [3]

the NHS website says that an overdose of propranolol "can significantly slow your heart rate, cause dizziness, trembling and seizures or fits, and make it difficult to breathe".

what I gather from this is that there's a risk of failure and a lot of pain using this method. you have about 10g worth of pills, which would almost certainly be enough for mortality, but I can't say for certain on the pain front (my brother has epilepsy so he has a lot of seizures, and they're really not pleasant at all)

I don't want anyone to die, and you seem like a lovely, caring, and compassionate person from what I've read, but I understand if you do want to go. I hope the pain stops for you, one way or another, and I hope your cats (and the poor animals in that sancutary) are well

take care :)
- theren

 

[Cress]

I truly hope that you're able to forge a path ahead outside of the darkness that you're currently in.

I feel like for me personally I'm in a bit of a paradox where I don't want to die but I also don't want to live. At some point something needs to give.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

@koweday
You are a great person. Don't even doubt it.
I understand what you're saying.

Because in russia, unlike civilized countries, any crimes against animals are not punished by law. Animals in these countries (rus, belarus, ukraine) are considered property. Therefore, there are many cats maimed by nonhumans in this "countries".

I helped cat shelters with money. I know how bad things are in commonwealth of independent states (russian countries). I wanted to help more. But because of depression, c-ptsd - I couldn't. I feel terrible. The only good thing I can do is transfer all my money to the cat shelters before I die.

A person like you shouldn't die. You are very important.

 

[wait.what]

I love cats too …reading your story about trying to comfort sick and dying animals broke my heart. I've honestly been sitting here for about 10 minutes, staring into space and thinking of all the times I've been useless to the creatures I loved. It's not just you who's haunted by wanting to give more than you have.

I think people who have a special love for animals are often those who have had a shit time trying to live with other humans. You talk like someone who is very familiar with the various levels of hell, and I get no sense that the casual cruelty of the average person surprises you. You had just hoped for better from this institution, and then that hope was crushed.

You say that you don't want to die, so I'll take that as your first choice and go from there. Conventional Western medicine doesn't have a lot of tools for dealing with despair, which is a normal human emotion under some circumstances, and is not a "chemical imbalance."

There are some newer methods for dealing with PTSD/C-PTSD and trauma in general that some people benefit from, though. EMDR has been around a while, and is really good for minimizing the emotional damage done by flashbacks. Microdosing psilocybin mushrooms or LSD is said to increase the brain's plasticity, which helps you change neural pathways that you find problematic. You didn't mention being independently wealthy, but if you have the time and the funds, a combination of IV ketamine and TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) can bring about a lot of positive changes on the neurological front. My own doctors have suggested that I make dietary and medication changes to work on reducing multi-system inflammation.

I hope some of this information is helpful!