I don't know if this is the right place for me but I literally have nowhere else. Tagged this as a vent but it is going to be just as much my story as much as a vent. This is my first post...and it will be too long. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
I am a middle aged trans woman in a country that won't stop 'debating' whether I should be allowed to use any toilet or be anywhere near a child. I covered this particular moral panic as a journalist for 8 years. I recently quit because I couldn't take it any more. Before that my family, whilst not outright rejecting me like in some stupid film, where horrible about me being trans. I cut them off a few years ago. I cut off a lot of people...people sometimes turned cruel, or sometimes I drove them mad. Half the time in my relationships, I am the problem and half the time...they are...so now I don't trust anyone.
My life has been difficult thanks for a combination of being a closeted trans woman which felt like carrying a bag of rocks, coming out as a trans woman and getting rocks thrown at me, undiagnosed neurodiverse conditions and my own inability to love and be loved.
I am middle aged and looking at a future of disappointments and horror. I can't see a good future for me.
I have every reason to want to die. I think about it every day. I research methods, but I always, ALWAYS find some reason to not. And that reason is either hurting someone who knows me, or the idea that I would get it wrong, or this primal urge to survive.
I am stuck in this limbo, miserable and scared all the time, yet fully unable to do the one thing that would end everything.
I honestly don't know if this is a suicide 'promotion' website or not. I know many of you will have very strong feelings about what this place really is. I don't know if I need someone to help me break through these barriers and get me to a point where I can end my life, or whether there is a way back. All I know is I don't want to feel like this any more.
I know there are other trans people here. Folks have mentioned they are trans here in posts I searched. I think you may know better than anyone how you exchange carrying a sack of rocks in the closet to having them pelted at you once you leave. How so many think you are being selfish when you are just trying to live.
But I haven't always been a victim. I have made some awful mistakes with people I loved. I never full on abused anyone, but I absolutely have been awful to be around. I don't want to be like that. I only ever wanted to make people feel good, not bad.
Can someone, anyone just say that they understand me? I need that. So many don't get me. Sorry, this isn't a good thread, I am really all over the place.
I am a middle aged trans woman in a country that won't stop 'debating' whether I should be allowed to use any toilet or be anywhere near a child. I covered this particular moral panic as a journalist for 8 years. I recently quit because I couldn't take it any more. Before that my family, whilst not outright rejecting me like in some stupid film, where horrible about me being trans. I cut them off a few years ago. I cut off a lot of people...people sometimes turned cruel, or sometimes I drove them mad. Half the time in my relationships, I am the problem and half the time...they are...so now I don't trust anyone.
My life has been difficult thanks for a combination of being a closeted trans woman which felt like carrying a bag of rocks, coming out as a trans woman and getting rocks thrown at me, undiagnosed neurodiverse conditions and my own inability to love and be loved.
I am middle aged and looking at a future of disappointments and horror. I can't see a good future for me.
I have every reason to want to die. I think about it every day. I research methods, but I always, ALWAYS find some reason to not. And that reason is either hurting someone who knows me, or the idea that I would get it wrong, or this primal urge to survive.
I am stuck in this limbo, miserable and scared all the time, yet fully unable to do the one thing that would end everything.
I honestly don't know if this is a suicide 'promotion' website or not. I know many of you will have very strong feelings about what this place really is. I don't know if I need someone to help me break through these barriers and get me to a point where I can end my life, or whether there is a way back. All I know is I don't want to feel like this any more.
I know there are other trans people here. Folks have mentioned they are trans here in posts I searched. I think you may know better than anyone how you exchange carrying a sack of rocks in the closet to having them pelted at you once you leave. How so many think you are being selfish when you are just trying to live.
But I haven't always been a victim. I have made some awful mistakes with people I loved. I never full on abused anyone, but I absolutely have been awful to be around. I don't want to be like that. I only ever wanted to make people feel good, not bad.
Can someone, anyone just say that they understand me? I need that. So many don't get me. Sorry, this isn't a good thread, I am really all over the place.
