xLosthopex
Tell my dogs I love them
- May 29, 2020
- 1,135
So I think I've been in denial about the fact that I don't actually want to die, but that I HAVE to, and that's probably a big reason why SI is so strong for me and why I still haven't ctb despite having N
I think, in a way, I've tried to glamourize/romanticize ctb in my head to make it easier for me to come to terms with the fact it's something I'll have to go through with very soon
Because the reality is that there are many things in my life that are(were) worth living for, things I enjoy, people I love etc. but(and I won't go into detail so please just take my word for it) I've fucked up my life to an irredeemable extent that I know logically that the only choice left for me is to ctb, and having to accept that and come to terms with the fact that I've ruined my own life and all the potential I had, knowing I'll be leaving behind all the things I loved about life and not be able to fulfill all the things I wanted to do, see the places I wanted to see etc. is really heartbreaking
I know ctb is the right choice for me and the only thing that can bring me true peace, but the thought of it also fills me with such sadness, grief and despair thinking about all the things I'll be leaving behind
Not to mention the fear I have around the dying process itself(I suffer with panic attacks and ironically am a major hypochondriac) so I've no doubt that the brief amount of time I'll be conscious after drinking N will be filled with panic and fear, and that scares me
So the question is now how can I make myself accept my fate/reality and just go through with it already?
And please don't comment things like "this is a sign that you're not ready/shouldn't ctb" because that is just not true. Or to just "get help"/"go to therapy", because believe me I HAVE exhausted all of my treatment options
I know that this is the right/necessary choice for my situation but that doesn't make it any less difficult
Can anyone else relate?
I think, in a way, I've tried to glamourize/romanticize ctb in my head to make it easier for me to come to terms with the fact it's something I'll have to go through with very soon
Because the reality is that there are many things in my life that are(were) worth living for, things I enjoy, people I love etc. but(and I won't go into detail so please just take my word for it) I've fucked up my life to an irredeemable extent that I know logically that the only choice left for me is to ctb, and having to accept that and come to terms with the fact that I've ruined my own life and all the potential I had, knowing I'll be leaving behind all the things I loved about life and not be able to fulfill all the things I wanted to do, see the places I wanted to see etc. is really heartbreaking
I know ctb is the right choice for me and the only thing that can bring me true peace, but the thought of it also fills me with such sadness, grief and despair thinking about all the things I'll be leaving behind
Not to mention the fear I have around the dying process itself(I suffer with panic attacks and ironically am a major hypochondriac) so I've no doubt that the brief amount of time I'll be conscious after drinking N will be filled with panic and fear, and that scares me
So the question is now how can I make myself accept my fate/reality and just go through with it already?
And please don't comment things like "this is a sign that you're not ready/shouldn't ctb" because that is just not true. Or to just "get help"/"go to therapy", because believe me I HAVE exhausted all of my treatment options
I know that this is the right/necessary choice for my situation but that doesn't make it any less difficult
Can anyone else relate?