Help I don't want to die, but I feel backed into a corner

[2709mg]

Hi, this is my first time posting on this forum. I read through quite a lot of posts before finally deciding to create an account and my struggles are quite similar to what has already been expressed many times in this forum, so I'll just summarise. I've had suicidal thoughts for the majority of my life, for a multitude of reasons, but largely because of one issue that has remained constant in my life: I am numb and unhappy and miserable at all times, regardless of my circumstances.

I think anhedonia might be the correct word to describe this feeling. I'm very privileged to have a genuinely good life that I worked hard for, but there seems to be some mental block in my brain which prevents me from enjoying or being genuinely happy about anything. I have a great boyfriend, wonderful friends, I live in a first world country and attend a great university, my job is easy and low-stress, I can usually afford the things I need, I'm free to engage in any hobby or activity I like, etc etc. Writing all of that makes me feel even more pathetic because I truly have no reason to complain. But I don't know what to do with myself. It all feels meaningless because there's always an overwhelming sense of emptiness which accompanies me wherever I go. So I pretend to be happy at all times, because I SHOULD be happy, and it is exhausting. I turn it off every day as soon as I get home and then I do what I actually want, which is nothing. I stare off into space feeling nothing.

This has been difficult to express to the people around me and they struggle to comprehend my state of mind or know how to help me, which is understandable. I don't know how to help myself, I don't know what I could want or need, I don't know how to eradicate this feeling. I've tried a lot of things to add some meaning to my life or change my outlook: exercising, hobbies (reading, writing, embroidery, video games, sports), antidepressants (prozac, effexor, and zoloft now), socialising, venting, seeking support, all of it. The only thing I have not been able to consistently do is speak with a therapist because of the absurd costs ($100-$150AUD for a single appointment), but therapy has unfortunately not been very helpful for me in the past even when I could afford it. Of course, I am still open to it and it is the last thing I do want to genuinely engage with before I completely give up. I don't know when it will be possible though.

I guess I just want advice on what more I can do or try to make things feel 'meaningful' or worth it, in any sense. I'm exhausted living like this and I also can't help but feel incredibly guilty for essentially lying to my loved ones every day, pretending their efforts to make me happy are working.

This ended up being a lot longer than I intended, so sorry for the essay, but I'd be grateful to hear from anyone who has dealt with this, regardless of whether you have advice or not

 

[loneliness0]

Hey there,

Thank you for posting. Sometimes we do feel like we need put on face of being happy and pretend to people around.
Having people who you can be your true self can make big difference, not needing play exhausting role of everything being okey.

Hope you find path of being able genuinely being yourself with someone around you.

I am not believer in that there is "meaning", however doing volunteering have made big difference in not getting stuck in my mind.

 

[2709mg]

Hey there,

Thank you for posting. Sometimes we do feel like we need put on face of being happy and pretend to people around.
Having people who you can be your true self can make big difference, not needing play exhausting role of everything being okey.

Hope you find path of being able genuinely being yourself with someone around you.

I am not believer in that there is "meaning", however doing volunteering have made big difference in not getting stuck in my mind.

thank you for responding, I appreciate the kind words. I did end up applying for a couple of volunteer positions which I hadn't considered before, so I'll see how that pans out. It's worth a try :-)

 

[loneliness0]

thank you for responding, I appreciate the kind words. I did end up applying for a couple of volunteer positions which I hadn't considered before, so I'll see how that pans out. It's worth a try :-)

Happy to hear!
This one have had good impact on me over time:

https://www.7cups.com/listener/become-a-volunteer-listener.php

 

[never mind me]

Maybe putting pressure on yourself you should be happy is a part of the problem? And the fact that you feel you need to act like you are ok in front of others probably adds to it. So it might help at least a little bit to accept that you are not feeling good, although your life circumstances are good. I could imagine that allowing yourself to be unhappy or even angry about the fact that everything feels pointless would help to at least feel more like yourself and be in contact with your true feelings more. Because it sounds like you are so busy pretending to feel what you should feel, that you can't really be in touch with how you truly feel. But without really feeling something (be it positive or negative emotions) it is hard to enjoy life.
The other thing can be to ask yourself, if there is something you are really interested in? It doesn't have to be big things and it doesn't have to be the stuff that others may expect you to do. It can be as little as watching a certain movie or hanging out on SaSU and chatting with people. If you find something, allow yourself to do it, even if you consider it pointless. But maybe you can create small islands of meaning or joy in your life.

 

[CeilingStarer]

I'm in a similar boat tbh. I think the solution to this apathy/anhedonia is to find something to dive yourself into that makes you wake up in the morning full of life looking forward to do it whether its something simple like gardening or something completely insane like learning how rockets work.
The point is not to try it for the sake of trying it because people tell you stuff like "it's good for you" or "idk" but because you genuinely like and want to do it to the point that when you stop doing it you'll think about the next time you do it
The problem however, is finding what that is. And I personally am still struggling to find what that is
It's a fear of mine that even if I end up becoming "successful" in life I will still have this lingering sense of apathy/anhedonia it just sucks