Venting I don’t want to be ‘saved’

[ZeinaStar30]

I'm posting here again because i found a new method, which is jumping off the building, and want to pass time before i die : ).

I'm on suicide watch and it's hell so far. I want to cbt so badly and i don't have anything going for me, but my family wants me alive. I've been caught in the middle of hanging and 'saved'. I try over again, and I get 'saved' before I'm able to hang myself. I got slapped in the face and yelled at. I get all my ligature taken away from me and now am constantly monitored wherever i go. When i wanted to sh, the razor blades and box cutters were confiscated and i had no choice but to suffer in silence. The next day im called a 'sympathy seeker' and 'damsel in distress'. My psychotherapist insists that things will get better and that life is wonderful, but i've been struggling with intense suicidal thoughts for 8 years and see no end to it. And my psychiatrist has heard of all the attempts, and believes it's a cry for help or for attention. It's not. I just suck at dying.

I wish that normies would understand that life is not for everyone, and that death can end a lifetime of suffering. I want people to have the right to die. I want euthanasia to be an available method for everyone and easily accessible. what is hard to understand? For example, there is a DNR (Do not resuscitate) and a team decides to do it anyway in order to 'save' the individual. There are comments saying it is selfish to sign a DNR, and there are others that choose to ignore the DNR and will try to bring the patient back to life. I read somewhere where their great grandpa had signed a DNR and got a heart attack, but the doctor decided to revive him and leave him as a vegetable. I think that's cruel and unfair, especially suffering paralyzed and unable to function.

 

[SASU-KE]

If I'm not mistaken, you made a post about your mother. She seems cruel. Is she at least kind at some other times or is she always like that?

Or are at least the other family members different?I'm asking because they want you alive but I don't understand why they're so cruel.

 

[ZeinaStar30]

I really don't understand either. My mom is usually very clingy and bubbly, but she has mood swings and gets easily offended and angry. I have a lot of mixed feelings for her. My other family members are unaware of my suicide attempts though.

If I'm not mistaken, you made a post about your mother. She seems cruel. Is she at least kind at some other times or is she always like that?

Or are at least the other family members different?I'm asking because they want you alive but I don't understand why they're so cruel.

 

[SASU-KE]

I really don't understand either. My mom is usually very clingy and bubbly, but she has mood swings and gets easily offended and angry. I have a lot of mixed feelings for her. My other family members are unaware of my suicide attempts though.

This makes a bit more sense. I should have asked this question in that other thread. So it seems that she does love and care for you and she gets really angry if you try to hurt yourself.

I thought that she was just aggressive and abusive all the time.Still, that's no way to treat someone who just made an attempt.

Normal people can never understand,sadly.It's a lost cause.It's why I spend quite a bit of time on this site, lol.This is one of the last strongholds,a safe haven for the suicidal and depressed

What happened to your grandfather was cruel and unfortunate. That's what happens when people don't use logical thinking and just use their emotions and intervene.So selfish.

 

[kitkatt]

I'm posting here again because i found a new method, which is jumping off the building, and want to pass time before i die : ).

I'm on suicide watch and it's hell so far. I want to cbt so badly and i don't have anything going for me, but my family wants me alive. I've been caught in the middle of hanging and 'saved'. I try over again, and I get 'saved' before I'm able to hang myself. I got slapped in the face and yelled at. I get all my ligature taken away from me and now am constantly monitored wherever i go. When i wanted to sh, the razor blades and box cutters were confiscated and i had no choice but to suffer in silence. The next day im called a 'sympathy seeker' and 'damsel in distress'. My psychotherapist insists that things will get better and that life is wonderful, but i've been struggling with intense suicidal thoughts for 8 years and see no end to it. And my psychiatrist has heard of all the attempts, and believes it's a cry for help or for attention. It's not. I just suck at dying.

I wish that normies would understand that life is not for everyone, and that death can end a lifetime of suffering. I want people to have the right to die. I want euthanasia to be an available method for everyone and easily accessible. what is hard to understand? For example, there is a DNR (Do not resuscitate) and a team decides to do it anyway in order to 'save' the individual. There are comments saying it is selfish to sign a DNR, and there are others that choose to ignore the DNR and will try to bring the patient back to life. I read somewhere where their great grandpa had signed a DNR and got a heart attack, but the doctor decided to revive him and leave him as a vegetable. I think that's cruel and unfair, especially suffering paralyzed and unable to function.

Im sorry. You are no damsel and in a perfect world there would be no one to stop you no one to make themselves your savior for their own gain. I hope you manage to find your peace and it is swift and it is exactly what you hoped for. Whenever that time does come for you

I just wanted to add in a perfect word I can't imagine me finding someone I care about to end it and me hitting them. Ask if I could bring them anything maybe be there for them while they go or just say until next time. I mean fuck I can't tell anyone of my real life friends how bad it actually is. But I remember my parents telling me it was for attention all those years ago and it still hurts I still can't share things. I have to get get high and click the post button before I can take it back:( existing ain't cut out for everyone I fear

 

[ZeinaStar30]

Im sorry. You are no damsel and in a perfect world there would be no one to stop you no one to make themselves your savior for their own gain. I hope you manage to find your peace and it is swift and it is exactly what you hoped for. Whenever that time does come for you

I just wanted to add in a perfect word I can't imagine me finding someone I care about to end it and me hitting them. Ask if I could bring them anything maybe be there for them while they go or just say until next time. I mean fuck I can't tell anyone of my real life friends how bad it actually is. But I remember my parents telling me it was for attention all those years ago and it still hurts I still can't share things. I have to get get high and click the post button before I can take it back:( existing ain't cut out for everyone I fear

Thank you : ). I'm sorry that you also been told it's for attention. We're struggling in so much pain and they try to minimize it. In a perfect world, i don't exist.

 

[kitkatt]

Thank you : ). I'm sorry that you also been told it's for attention. We're struggling in so much pain and they try to minimize it. In a perfect world, i don't exist.

Same I would have never been here. But I was a mistake created to comfort others and it sneaks through in ways I don't realize. In a perfect world maybe my mom would've gotten the treat I wished for and I wouldn't have exist. I don't know why I feel like you'll relate but I do and it may be a delusion and I'll shut up If so I've been up all night, one of my first thoughts feelings towards being somewhere existing so to speak was wanting to go home. I was already home. Also you are welcome all the way here at the end I'm going to force myself to go to sleep now even though I'm not tired and I don't want to

 

[ZeinaStar30]

Same I would have never been here. But I was a mistake created to comfort others and it sneaks through in ways I don't realize. In a perfect world maybe my mom would've gotten the treat I wished for and I wouldn't have exist. I don't know why I feel like you'll relate but I do and it may be a delusion and I'll shut up If so I've been up all night, one of my first thoughts feelings towards being somewhere existing so to speak was wanting to go home. I was already home. Also you are welcome all the way here at the end I'm going to force myself to go to sleep now even though I'm not tired and I don't want to

I totally relate </3 also hope you have a nice peaceful sleep :> goodnight (I also had trouble sleeping and been up all night)

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand as all I want is to be permanently free from this dreadful, torturous existence, I always suffer so much how the option to die painlessly is made inaccessible with the suffering and torture of existing is seen as to force and prolong no matter what. Forcing people to suffer in this existence is such a terrible crime to me that only causes way more harm and suffering, it truly is so horrific how we exist in this prison anti-suicide world where humans do all they can to force others to be tortured in this existence for as long as possible, I hope you find peace.