Venting I don't want to be sad when I attempt...

[caffeinepanic]

It's a weird mix of feelings. I'm actually excited for my planned date on Friday. I finally get to celebrate my 22nd birthday with my friend over dinner (my mom's never let me before), and then I'm ctb when I get home when everyone's asleep. I don't want to worry about money, living expenses, the abuse I suffer at home, or being a corporate punching bag for the rest of my life until I die naturally of old age. My life free-trial is up and I don't want to extend my subscription. The only trouble (besides the actual logistics and success of partial hanging) is that when I feel too happy about it, I feel this gut wrenching sadness. I'm too sad to be here, but too sad to end it sooner. It's a cycle that won't stop. I just want to finally feel happy when I go and not feel the monkey part of my brain take over to keep going. I just want to finally be free and happy, and wish I knew how to relax my nerves when I do.

 

[unluckysadness]

Sorry you're struggling so much. I feel you. I'd like to have a smile on my face after my passing, to show people I'm happy and in peace in afterlife

 

[caffeinepanic]

Sorry you're struggling so much. I feel you. I'd like to have a smile on my face after my passing, to show people I'm happy and in peace in afterlife

That's all I really want anyway. I mean, I'm making this choice for me and although my heart is happy with it, I just want my brain to agree too.

 

[Forveleth]

This is a really tough place to be in, and I was there sort of at the beginning of my journey too. Eventually I realized that my suicide would bring relief that I wanted for so, so long and I started associating it with happier things and through both of my attempts I was very calm.

Is there a particular reason why you think you feel sad about it?

 

[caffeinepanic]

This is a really tough place to be in, and I was there sort of at the beginning of my journey too. Eventually I realized that my suicide would bring relief that I wanted for so, so long and I started associating it with happier things and through both of my attempts I was very calm.

Is there a particular reason why you think you feel sad about it?

I'm not sure, I think it's more of me realizing that a) as the family scapegoat, my family probably won't care that I'll be gone and I'll be all by myself when I go and b) the violence of actually hanging scares me.