I'm really sorry you're in a similar situation, it's really hard to live like this. I'm the same as you, rarely go out and the few times I've been forced to see a doctor I was covering myself and anxiously looking everywhere to make sure no one I used to know sees me.
I have sort of explained my issues to my friends yet they keep insisting. I guess I will try to explain them better the situation to see if they finally understand. Also my mom doesn't believe me I'm actually damaged and has told family members and friends that I'm just depressed... so I guess they want to help "cheer me up" I will have to ideally work towards slowly breaking connections for the sake of my own mental stability.
I live with my very unsupportive family who doesn't understand why I don't want to go out at all. They have forced me to go out, and constantly invite family members I also want to avoid so I have to hide in my closet.
Then when I actually am forced to go out I am with my family and it's easier for people to recognize me even if I'm all covered up since they know my family....
it's never ending but I guess I have to work harder to avoid going out/ convincing my parents / and explaining old friends I literally can't see them. I really want to avoid more trauma than the one I'm already in and constantly think I need to CTB sooner because of fear of being perceived.
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I forgot to mention, my parents want a psychologist to "treat" my agoraphobia/ social anxiety but I really don't believe it's something that can be treated. My agoraphobia is simply a normal reaction to the beauty standards, lookism, judgment and bullying towards people who don't meet certain standards, ableism, weight stigma, etc... that is deeply ingrained in society and humans. I don't believe there is nothing wrong with me for wanting to avoid people, what is wrong is society. I've experienced many forms of oppression because of my looks as a child and I am simply trying to avoid that trauma again. The only way to revert my social anxiety would be to change my looks (by healing my disability and getting me back to my previous weight) or change the way society treats people who don't meet certain standard. Unfortunately none of those can't be done. I wish my parents understood that.
Your last paragraph..I relate more to that than you could ever know. I feel that pain, I am sorry you also experience it.
And I wholeheartedly agree with you that your reaction to your own physical form-and the way society treats you based off of it-is NOT the problem that needs to be fixed, it is a symptom of a physical predicament that you did not ask to be a part of and have no control of escaping.
I think it's very difficult to get this sense of entrapment across to others, though it really shouldn't be.
Psych doctors always say they can "treat" any issue even if it's just a symptom and not the cause, but that's where they trick you. "Treat" not "cure", not "alleviate", not "eliminate", just "treat" endlessly and without success.
I have been down that (psych) road and it did nothing but harm to my psyche as well as my overall situation and state of being.
Just more trauma and ptsd.
Your mom isn't helping the situation, she is minimizing it so now the rest of your family will react to it inappropriately and without the seriousness or respect that it requires.
That is the downside of downplaying any reasoning for not going out and seeing people.
Sometimes it seems like the right thing can never be said to appease others as to our reasoning for coping the way we must. I suppose it's a matter of them never having lived it, so they lack the ability to put themselves in our shoes.
Extremely frustrating, I know.
Omg..I never thought I'd "meet" another person who had to hide from people in their closet!
It is embarrassing but I did the same thing when I was living at a relative's apartment, I even hid from the other people that lived there for some time..and when they came into the bedroom, I ran behind the closet door or went into the closet itself, genuinely terrified.
I felt like a Jew on the run from Nazis, it was ridiculous but also necessary.
And that's the part that no one else will ever understand.
It is hell but it is simply the lesser of two evils.
No one around me is supportive either, even when I was hiding behind the closet door, it was mainly because the other people in the home, or those invited into it, somehow took precedence over me.
I would literally hold my bladder and go without food and water just to avoid crossing paths with anybody else there.
I only complained when it became constant and relentless and I got no break or chance to come out.
I wear my weakness on my exterior so one look from someone else, and they already know where to hit me, they can instantly feel superior and self-gratified at my unfortunate presence in comparison to theirs, they can be covert or overt about their discrimination and oppression but it's always there, one way or another and I must protect myself from it, as I'm the only one willing to do so.
It just feels awful when we are already so restricted by our own flesh and then must live by other endless restrictions, all to avoid more pain and suffering of the same nature which destroys us every day.
My issues have never been tended to in a compassionate and understanding way.
..My mother told me when I was over that apartment that she wasn't going to restrict other people for my benefit or to lessen my suffering...wtf.
My response to her was RAGE, like really!?
'I never asked you to!!
I haven't even LIVED for over a decade!!
And you are going to talk to ME about restrictions and restraints!?
When my own body and face is a literal flesh prison and I can't have a sense of freedom no matter where I am in this world!? They can walk out the door and feel confident and at ease enough to be around others without constant fear, they are privileged enough for not having had to endure and succumb to being ostracized and bullied into a state of panic and trepidation and further physical deterioration! And you're worried about restricting THEM!? What about ME!?'
..I mean that was the gist of my response to her.
She didn't give a shit and she actually went on to rub it in my face as she does so love to do at times where I am hurt by her preferential treatment of others over myself, even toward those who aren't blood, even toward those whose very presence spits in the face of her own child's existence, or lack thereof.
..
I will never understand, I mean..this may be a poor, silly example..but I think of my cats and if one were sick or distraught and in a far worse place than the others, I would be most attentive to that cat, and most willing to compromise for that cat to meet them halfway, as I know my other cats are thriving and do not need the same amount of care, even though I love them the same.
But for my mother, she would actually rather treat cats that aren't even her own, spoiled cats from a palace far away, and her other cats who are far better off, with MORE care and MORE tenderness while mocking and gawking at the cat that is suffering the most, and without the most.
I just cannot fathom that mindset.
I really cannot. It is horrible.
I feel the need to ctb ASAP too, because as time goes on and more events occur, more social requirements, or simply the dichotomy between other's lives and my lack of such, is all too painful to bear, I can't take any more of it and I want to avoid further trauma the same as you, I also want to avoid further taunting and compounding of my issues, even the continued loss of time I will never get back. It's too damn much.
I'm glad you will try to hammer it home though, and re-explain to them the situation in a way that will hopefully open their eyes.
Unfortunately, based on my own experience, you can try and try again to explain what should be obvious to those around you, what should be understood, but they just have a way of flipping it on you, of letting it roll through one ear and out the other, or "forgetting" you ever said anything at all, even after YEARS of saying the same thing over and over and over again. It's maddening, and they wonder why we go insane!?
