I don’t want them to hate me

[ZoloftSüchtig]

I'm so scared they will hate me. I'm so scared they will hate me. Pls don't! I ruined my life, it's very very hard and time consuming and costs a lot to undo this mistake and my mom payed a lot of money so I can undo this mistake only for me to chicken out and now I probably will never get the money to undo this mistake ever again. So I need to die. I need to kill myself. I need to end it. Wich is so sad because I have the will to live. I want to live, if I could undo this mistake wich is possible but like I said probably not possible anymore for me. So I need to end it and kill myself but what about my family? What about them? Will they hate me for it and think I'm selfish? I love them so much and I'm so scared that my mom won't know how to deal with it and that then my sisters will blame me for it. But I love my mom so so much. I never ever ever ever want her to suffer. I want her to be the happiest person alive, but I seriously can't continue living anymore. So if my I can somehow show my sisters how much I hate doing this will they still think Im being selfish in ending my suffering? I'm miserable. Fuck I need help. Fuck can any of you guys pls hug me right now? Pls???!!! Please ):

 

[bee_bee]

I'm 41 years old and one of the lessons I've learned in life is that yeah, money can make things very messy indeed. There are some decisions we wish we could take back and redo but that isn't a real thing. But you'll be shocked how much TIME will smooth things over. You can probably deal with the guilt. If your family is as tight as you report, then everyone will find a way to deal with the situation. For example, I used tens of thousands of dollars to go to college and I ended up getting kicked out. It was embarrassing and disappointing, and I still haven't yet paid a dime back in my student loans. I wanted to run away so bad. But I didn't. And today, it's ok. I borrowed more thousands of dollars trying and failing to save my forever home. And that's money I can never repay to dad now. But he didn't stop loving me and I suspect your mother is the same way.

If you decide to CTB, so be it. But that action will absolutely cause pain and your family will neccessarily go through the very painful grieving process. That grieving will never go away for them but it will get easier. If you decide to CTB, you must accept this real consequence of your action. They won't hate you outright, but they may at times be very angry and resentful toward you. This is how life works.

Here's the thing, though. It seems to me like there's still some fight left in you and you can turn things around. I could be completely wrong, but my gut says I'm right. Something I learn that I hold on to sometimes is that "Pain is unavoidable. Suffering is avoidable." You will be hurt in life but you don't have to suffer. Suffering is a decision.

Perhaps, and again I don't know the situation, but perhaps even a small conversation about the way you are feeling to your mother could resolve things better than you ever could have imagined. Imagine your mother reading what you wrote. How would she react? I don't know her, but if it were my family and I wrote that, they'd react much differently than I would assume which is always the worst case scenario type thinking.

The good news is, hugs are free and abundant so have one from me. Take a deep breath, ground yourself, and look at your options on what you can and can't control and make an informed decision about how you want to proceed. I wish you the best in whatever you decide is right for you.

 

[ZoloftSüchtig]

Than

I'm 41 years old and one of the lessons I've learned in life is that yeah, money can make things very messy indeed. There are some decisions we wish we could take back and redo but that isn't a real thing. But you'll be shocked how much TIME will smooth things over. You can probably deal with the guilt. If your family is as tight as you report, then everyone will find a way to deal with the situation. For example, I used tens of thousands of dollars to go to college and I ended up getting kicked out. It was embarrassing and disappointing, and I still haven't yet paid a dime back in my student loans. I wanted to run away so bad. But I didn't. And today, it's ok. I borrowed more thousands of dollars trying and failing to save my forever home. And that's money I can never repay to dad now. But he didn't stop loving me and I suspect your mother is the same way.

If you decide to CTB, so be it. But that action will absolutely cause pain and your family will neccessarily go through the very painful grieving process. That grieving will never go away for them but it will get easier. If you decide to CTB, you must accept this real consequence of your action. They won't hate you outright, but they may at times be very angry and resentful toward you. This is how life works.

Here's the thing, though. It seems to me like there's still some fight left in you and you can turn things around. I could be completely wrong, but my gut says I'm right. Something I learn that I hold on to sometimes is that "Pain is unavoidable. Suffering is avoidable." You will be hurt in life but you don't have to suffer. Suffering is a decision.

Perhaps, and again I don't know the situation, but perhaps even a small conversation about the way you are feeling to your mother could resolve things better than you ever could have imagined. Imagine your mother reading what you wrote. How would she react? I don't know her, but if it were my family and I wrote that, they'd react much differently than I would assume which is always the worst case scenario type thinking.

The good news is, hugs are free and abundant so have one from me. Take a deep breath, ground yourself, and look at your options on what you can and can't control and make an informed decision about how you want to proceed. I wish you the best in whatever you decide is right for you

Thank you so much. ):
I don't know what to say. I don't know. I'm just so miserable but I read everything you wrote and you are right there still id something left in me fighting but the problem is it doesn't matter if I fight or not if the money isn't there to fix the problem then I can fight all I want.
I'm like 90% sure I will kill myself and I just need to find a way to make my mom and sisters and dad and grandparents now that I really really wish I wouldn't have to do this!

Thank you so much for the hug, even though it's over the internet it still helped a lot.