I'm very close to being fired from my job, which is also a training program in a field that I love. I've been struggling due to my recently-diagnosed autism and also due to severe depression, part of which is related to how poorly my institution has responded to my diagnosis. (They forced me into a state mental health monitoring program staffed by people who know nothing about autism and who override my personal health care decisions and accuse me of noncompliance whenever I don't follow their arbitrary and constantly evolving rules.) My performance and mental health have been declining and in February they will decide whether or not to renew my contract for next year (and they have made it VERY clear that it isn't going to happen.)
This is a really competitive specialty and if I get fired from this program, my chances of finding another program in this field are practically non-existent. I have sacrificed so much for this -- years of my life, hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition, my youth, my dignity and medical autonomy, my creative interests, time with family and friends. This career path is nonnegotiable for me. I have met other people with autism who have succeeded in this field because they were able to tailor their career to their strengths and their needs and because they trained in places where the culture and pace of the job were different. I wouldn't mind repeating my training in one of those places but I don't know if they would take me when they have plenty of their own citizens who are clamoring for the job.
I refuse to accept a version of my future where I can't make this happen. I'd rather ctb than let it come to that. I'm not afraid to die. But I don't want my wife to be alone. I love her more than anything and she has been going to insane lengths to try to support me. I just wish she would find another woman who will stick around for her and give her the life she deserves. I keep telling her to look for someone else, someone who cares more about her than about their own self-esteem and personal ambitions, but she won't listen. So many people would be lucky to have her and maybe if I ctb she eventually will. But she's also a 40-something transwoman who only dates cis women which means that finding someone else will be more difficult for her. I just wish a small part of me could stay alive to keep her happy. I keep thinking maybe I'll just give her a baby before I ctb so she won't be alone, or maybe I'll try to live just long enough to find her another wife but I don't know if I can make it that far.
I don't know what to do.
This is a really competitive specialty and if I get fired from this program, my chances of finding another program in this field are practically non-existent. I have sacrificed so much for this -- years of my life, hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition, my youth, my dignity and medical autonomy, my creative interests, time with family and friends. This career path is nonnegotiable for me. I have met other people with autism who have succeeded in this field because they were able to tailor their career to their strengths and their needs and because they trained in places where the culture and pace of the job were different. I wouldn't mind repeating my training in one of those places but I don't know if they would take me when they have plenty of their own citizens who are clamoring for the job.
I refuse to accept a version of my future where I can't make this happen. I'd rather ctb than let it come to that. I'm not afraid to die. But I don't want my wife to be alone. I love her more than anything and she has been going to insane lengths to try to support me. I just wish she would find another woman who will stick around for her and give her the life she deserves. I keep telling her to look for someone else, someone who cares more about her than about their own self-esteem and personal ambitions, but she won't listen. So many people would be lucky to have her and maybe if I ctb she eventually will. But she's also a 40-something transwoman who only dates cis women which means that finding someone else will be more difficult for her. I just wish a small part of me could stay alive to keep her happy. I keep thinking maybe I'll just give her a baby before I ctb so she won't be alone, or maybe I'll try to live just long enough to find her another wife but I don't know if I can make it that far.
I don't know what to do.
