I don't want my dogs or partner to see me.

[tibicen_linnei]

I've always had a huge heart for animals. I now have 8 dogs and 5 cats with my partner in our home. It works and isn't a hoarding situation. We have a big backyard and multiple rooms for them to lounge in. MOST of the animals get along. The two "problem" children are getting training and have improved.

I just don't see a point in my existence anymore. I've been in physical and mental pain for years. I want to leave the world with people knowing me as someone that helped and loved animals before I'm known as the husk I feel like I am.

The problem is, I can not let my partner or my animals....ESPECIALLY my most attached dogs (ESPECIALLY one dog that I've had since he was born in my living room and has become my only friend) and cats find/see me afterwards.

There's a bridge or two here but someone tried it and now there are people, police, and cameras posted. That would be ideal, tbh. I almost drowned as a child and hardly remember it...but I don't want to be the 10:00 news special or get fished out on camera. I thought of hanging myself in the woods but then I'd traumatize some jogger or whatever.

I want to just disappear. No body. No pain upon others. That's the only reason I haven't done it and it's so frustrating.

I actually looked up sinkholes near me.


I know this may sound pathetic. But my dad killed himself and I cleaned it up afterwards. I don't want that kind of trauma on others. I'd rather just disappear with no body, no answers. Just gone. I know that's incredibly specific, but it's how I want it to be.

The hard part is continuing life when I should just do it instead of being so specific. Waking up is a disappointment. Why can't I be the one that had an aneurysm in the middle of the night instead of a beloved local musician?

I've found myself taking more risks. Like the night I walked to grab a drink and it started pouring rain when I was walking home....I ran up under some random guy's umbrella and he insisted I have a drink with him at his house. He didn't murder me. He gave me his umbrella to walk home with and I returned it in the morning. I was...disappointed in a way.

I'm stuck in this stupid moral dilemma. I want to end my life but I want it to have as little impact as possible. I care about pther people and animals. I've just decided I have to die.

 

[Sluggish_Slump]

I get that you don't want any loved one to be traumatised by a suicide scene, and it can make planning a lot more difficult. I don't have suggestions but I hope you find the answer you're looking for to this moral dilemma.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's very understandable you are particularly mindful of that given your history. But unless you disappear deep in the wilderness or out at sea, your body's probably going to be discovered. Maybe you could do it in some enclosed space and have a warning note that says to call police?

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be trapped in, it certainly would be ideal to have the option to just disappear, it's very unfortunate how that's not the reality. But anyway, I wish you the best, it's very much understandable wishing to finally be free from all the suffering.