I don’t wanna do this to my mom

[Pancake]

I love my mom so much. She wasn't perfect but she put up with so much for me. I wouldn't ask for anyone else to be my mom.

I know she loves me and I don't want to hurt her. My conscience feels heavy just thinking about what my death might do to her. I don't think I'll go through with it anytime soon, but if do I don't want her to mourn for me. That goes for everyone else I know too…

I don't think anything I can say or do now will be enough. I don't quite know what to do. Sometimes I think I should just live for my mom, but I think in the long run it'll be better if I was gone. I feel very uncertain.

 

[J'quellen]

I can relate to so much of what you've said. My mom has always been there for me and she's said that it would kill her if I took my life. I know it's probably true in her case. It almost feels as though you're being held hostage...

 

[Kundalini Guy]

I was like you in 2020 fast forward 3 years after much thinking I came to the conclusion that I am the one suffering and not my mother. I know I will still be suffering 20-30 years from now if I chose to stay alive, so I have to deny that bleak future. My mothers grief would be temporary but my suffering is totally permanent.

 

[KarmicRain]

honestly the only reason I'm here is because of what ctb would do to my family. they don't deserve to suffer for my actions: on the other hand a person doesn't really have a choice in being born. in exchange you were raised as much as your caretakers could do but in the end that doesn't make up for the hell of reality that awaits.
but if nothing else, you know someone cares for you. for the better or for the worse.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound like a difficult situation to be trapped in, but anyway the reality is that grief and loss are just a part of life, even if we don't die by ctb we all have to lose everything someday. There is simply no escaping this, it's inevitable as humans.

 

[sheepgirl]

My mum is my best friend and entire world. She is one of the reasons (besides intervention and sheer luck) that I'm still alive. She already lost my sister I know if she lost me it would destroy her so I don't wanna do it to her

 

[Dominicka]

I was like you in 2020 fast forward 3 years after much thinking I came to the conclusion that I am the one suffering and not my mother. I know I will still be suffering 20-30 years from now if I chose to stay alive, so I have to deny that bleak future. My mothers grief would be temporary but my suffering is totally permanent.

took me a long time to figure this out, I too. As much as I love my mother, she's partly responsible for my present anguish and suffering. Do I got over the guilt.

 

[charlotte_]

I can understand the way you feel. It sounds like you and your mom has a really close relationship. Someone who loves and cares about you so much would never see you as a burden, even if you think so. It is you who sees yourself as a burden, not her. So please learn to appreciate yourself more. I think she would want that too.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I think a lot of us feel that way, CTB would be easier if we didn't have the guilt of leaving loved ones behind. I don't think someone should just live for someone else if they are suffering but if you are uncertain about things you definitely should not make permanent decisions as CTB should be a last resort. It will definitely not be better if you were gone, I doubt any of your family or friends would ever say that-it's just your depression talking. I hope you can start feeling better about life so you don't even need to think about leaving your mom behind.

 

[Pancake]

I think a lot of us feel that way, CTB would be easier if we didn't have the guilt of leaving loved ones behind. I don't think someone should just live for someone else if they are suffering but if you are uncertain about things you definitely should not make permanent decisions as CTB should be a last resort. It will definitely not be better if you were gone, I doubt any of your family or friends would ever say that-it's just your depression talking. I hope you can start feeling better about life so you don't even need to think about leaving your mom behind.

Thank you for saying this. I agree, CTB should be a last resort and I should think more about what I want to do. It's hard to say that all my friends and family would care if I'm gone because I really haven't had the biggest impact on anyone's lives. At least I don't think so. I keep to myself so much that people hardly know anything about me.

I can understand the way you feel. It sounds like you and your mom has a really close relationship. Someone who loves and cares about you so much would never see you as a burden, even if you think so. It is you who sees yourself as a burden, not her. So please learn to appreciate yourself more. I think she would want that too.

It's hard to appreciate myself when I've done no good. My mom might not see myself as a burden but I'm sure other people do. But you're right. I need to learn to appreciate myself more if I want to feel better. It's just hard. Thanks for responding.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think a lot of us are struggling with this and many people hang on for this reason. I'm hanging on for my Dad because I know how much it would upset him. I guess it just depends on how bad things get. For some people, their pain and struggle just become too enormous to bear. I'm sure it wasn't that they loved their relatives any less. It's just that things became overwhelming. I suppose- we can at least be there for each other here. Not that it helps much but know that you're not alone- many of us are simply just hanging on for other people now.

 

[epic]

I am in the same boat

 

[Unending]

I'm in a situation so similar that I could have truthfully written the same paragraph. I definitely think I'm the only thing in my mom's life that keeps her from falling into a pit of despair. It's not fair at all but I just don't have it in me to do it, at least not now.

That being said, she is in her 60s and has health issue so I won't have to wait forever. My dad on the other hand is a bit younger and in very good health so there will be a large problem no matter what.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Thank you for saying this. I agree, CTB should be a last resort and I should think more about what I want to do. It's hard to say that all my friends and family would care if I'm gone because I really haven't had the biggest impact on anyone's lives. At least I don't think so. I keep to myself so much that people hardly know anything about me.

I bet most people hugely underestimate the impact they have on other people's lives, you seem like a very caring person who loves your mom very much. All anyone really needs is just a few people who care and sounds like you've got that. And of course there are a lot of people on here willing to talk and listen as well

 

[Riu]

I had a plan before where I was going to ghost my family and make it seem like I just decided never to talk to them again. I was thinking it would be better for them to hate me and then forget about it than to have them be depressed and especially my parents guilty for "raising me wrong" or something, but I honestly don't know if that's a good idea. It kind of sounds stupid.

 

[WorthlessCoward]

That's nice, my mom and her side of her family are monsters that feed from my unhapiness while putting on a facade of caring