I don’t wanna die but I cannot live like this anymore

[venin]

I would really love to live the life I am capable of, I wanna live and die of old age with my family, in peace. I feel like we all wanna live but life has been just inhumane to us. Our lives are so painful and depressing and soulcrushing that the only way we think we can change them is to end them. I really don't know what to do…

Between the hammer and the anvil. That's how my entire life has been until now.

 

[Rhymester]

Hey venin, as you said lives can be depressing, but at least we are united together on SS. When I don't really know what to do, the first thing that pops into my mind is to keep myself distracted. So what are your distractions? Personally, I like to play video games, but during the worst moments, I dive into the world of literature. Be it writing poetry or reading philosophy. The best thing about our personal struggles is that we can make something great out of them. For me, it's composing poetry.

 

[venin]

Hey venin, as you said lives can be depressing, but at least we are united together on SS. When I don't really know what to do, the first thing that pops into my mind is to keep myself distracted. So what are your distractions? Personally, I like to play video games, but during the worst moments, I dive into the world of literature. Be it writing poetry or reading philosophy. The best thing about our personal struggles is that we can make something great out of them. For me, it's composing poetry.

Ty for your words. Also, liking the Joey's moment of sadness watching out the non-window

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I can relate to your situation in some points. Life's not gonna be better here, may become worse, no good expectations for my future and so on but I would still like to become old together with family and so. There're only 2 ways, suffering and living a life we don't want to live or CTB. That's how it is. It's so fucking difficult.

 

[venin]

I can relate to your situation in some points. Life's not gonna be better here, may become worse, no good expectations for my future and so on but I would still like to become old together with family and so. There're only 2 ways, suffering and living a life we don't want to live or CTB. That's how it is. It's so fucking difficult.

Maybe there's a third way, which we don't see just now?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Maybe there's a third way, which we don't see just now?

I can either go left or right or straight ahead, ok they are 3 ways but what would change? actually we all don't know the future, what you decide to do today can lead to huge success in the future or become a huge failure, at some point suffering is simply too much and I have no hope that there will be sth positive coming for me personally.

 

[venin]

I can either go left or right or straight ahead, ok they are 3 ways but what would change? actually we all don't know the future, what you decide to do today can lead to huge success in the future or become a huge failure, at some point suffering is simply too much and I have no hope that there will be sth positive coming for me personally.

That's what I also see right now: suffering like I did until this moment or ctb. But perhaps we can't see the third option because of the veil of the past that's blinding us, depression or other stuff. You know? Idk. I might give it a go, see what happens.

Like really try just once more, and if it doesn't work, fk it. I buy my bus ticket and that's it.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's not true that everyone wants to stay here, I get that you do but in my case I would see it as always being preferable to not exist, I don't desire existence and it disturbs me the thought of decaying from age, only the true peace of eternal non-existence appeals to me where I cannot suffer. But anyway it's just so cruel how people have to suffer so much all through no fault of their own, I wish you the best.

 

[bluebus]

I can completely understand. I want to live too, I just can't keep living in my life. I recently found out that I am losing my vision and I can't bear the thought of living a life like that. I love my friends and parents, and there are so many things that I still want to do. The only option I have is to ctb, and even that is difficult and stressful. I hope you are able to come to some sort of peace. All the best,

 

[venin]

It's not true that everyone wants to stay here, I get that you do but in my case I would see it as always being preferable to not exist, I don't desire existence and it disturbs me the thought of decaying from age, only the true peace of eternal non-existence appeals to me where I cannot suffer. But anyway it's just so cruel how people have to suffer so much all through no fault of their own, I wish you the best.

You're right. Some of us may still wanna live, although I think the vast majority would certainly wanna live BUT on their terms.

What's your ctb plan?

 

[bluebus]

Hey venin, as you said lives can be depressing, but at least we are united together on SS. When I don't really know what to do, the first thing that pops into my mind is to keep myself distracted. So what are your distractions? Personally, I like to play video games, but during the worst moments, I dive into the world of literature. Be it writing poetry or reading philosophy. The best thing about our personal struggles is that we can make something great out of them. For me, it's composing poetry.

I love to write poetry as well. I am composing a collection of poems to leave as my last act before I ctb

 

[venin]

I can completely understand. I want to live too, I just can't keep living in my life. I recently found out that I am losing my vision and I can't bear the thought of living a life like that. I love my friends and parents, and there are so many things that I still want to do. The only option I have is to ctb, and even that is difficult and stressful. I hope you are able to come to some sort of peace. All the best,

You too do you mind if I ask: is that your only reason? Can you tell us the others?

I love to write poetry as well. I am composing a collection of poems to leave as my last act before I ctb

That's great. I wish you success in this endeavor.

 

[bluebus]

You too do you mind if I ask: is that your only reason? Can you tell us the others?

That's great. I wish you success in this endeavor.

I am only 19 and I have no motivation to live knowing what my life is going to be like. I have had a difficult life, and even when things were going terribly I just kept trucking and trying to make the best of my situation. This was going to be there year that I finally started my life. I worked to save enough money to go to school in my dream city and I was so excited for the future. Now everything I have/ was going to have is gone. I will never get to be the person I should have been and I will never get to live the life that I should have had. I would rather not be here at all than to suffer that fate. That is all

 

[FuneralCry]

You're right. Some of us may still wanna live, although I think the vast majority would certainly wanna live BUT on their terms.

What's your ctb plan?

I don't have any plans to leave in the near future unfortunately as sadly we exist in this anti-suicide society where we cannot just leave in peace in a guaranteed way, for me all the methods are either too risky or inaccessible.

 

[venin]

I don't have any plans to leave in the near future unfortunately as sadly we exist in this anti-suicide society where we cannot just leave in peace in a guaranteed way, for me all the methods are either too risky or inaccessible.

I thought you were on your way to the bus station, given your vehemence.

I am only 19 and I have no motivation to live knowing what my life is going to be like. I have had a difficult life, and even when things were going terribly I just kept trucking and trying to make the best of my situation. This was going to be there year that I finally started my life. I worked to save enough money to go to school in my dream city and I was so excited for the future. Now everything I have/ was going to have is gone. I will never get to be the person I should have been and I will never get to live the life that I should have had. I would rather not be here at all than to suffer that fate. That is all

This sounds a lot like my situation. I totally feel you sorry it's this way for you also…

I hope you have the power and wisdom to make the best and wisest decision.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

That's what I also see right now: suffering like I did until this moment or ctb. But perhaps we can't see the third option because of the veil of the past that's blinding us, depression or other stuff. You know? Idk. I might give it a go, see what happens.

Like really try just once more, and if it doesn't work, fk it. I buy my bus ticket and that's it.

I don't know how old you are but guess if I was 20 years younger I would see my personal situation different. I'm too old now, I lived my life very well and now I would have to cope with a min-wage-slave job. No thanks I prefer CTB because I don't want to keep me alive for a life that I don't want to live. I would just have to give up everything. Will I be happy then? I guess not. Probably depression will increase, stress, burnout. What for?

the veil of the past

Yeah if we could just format our brains and have a fresh setup.

 

[venin]

I don't know how old you are but guess if I was 20 years younger I would see my personal situation different. I'm too old now, I lived my life very well and now I would have to cope with a min-wage-slave job. No thanks I prefer CTB because I don't want to keep me alive for a life that I don't want to live. I would just have to give up everything. Will I be happy then? I guess not. Probably depression will increase, stress, burnout. What for?


Yeah if we could just format our brains and have a fresh setup.

That would be truly awesome.

I can acknowledge. You do what's best for you

 

[dialogos]

For some people, the real problem is the lack of money.

 

[Starry✧･ﾟDaze]

Yes, I can relate to this so well. Always stuck in the in-between.
Personally, if I knew for a 100% that ctb is the one and only way/solution, I think it would be a tiny bit easier for me to do it.

But it is hope, that feeling that life could hold more for me, always keeping me on the hunt for some missing piece. Even though I have no guarantee that such thing does even exist.

My soul is restless, starved and I try to navigate through a dark universe, knowing that there are stars in the distance, but none of them is ever reachable for me.

It's frustrating and exhausting beyond measure and I'm growing more and more tired of this constant fight.

So sorry you are stuck in this, too.
Hope is something beautiful, but can feel so cruel when you're at your lowest and feel like you have no more power to act on it.

I wish life would have been better for all of us, I really do.

 

[venin]

For some people, the real problem is the lack of money.

yeah, for sure money is an important aspect

Yes, I can relate to this so well. Always stuck in the in-between.
Personally, if I knew for a 100% that ctb is the one and only way/solution, I think it would be a tiny bit easier for me to do it.

But it is hope, that feeling that life could hold more for me, always keeping me on the hunt for some missing piece. Even though I have no guarantee that such thing does even exist.

My soul is restless, starved and I try to navigate through a dark universe, knowing that there are stars in the distance, but none of them is ever reachable for me.

It's frustrating and exhausting beyond measure and I'm growing more and more tired of this constant fight.

So sorry you are stuck in this, too.
Hope is something beautiful, but can feel so cruel when you're at your lowest and feel like you have no more power to act on it.

I wish life would have been better for all of us, I really do.

Beautifully and eloquently said.

It truly is such a pity that intelligent, cultured, empathetic, sensitive, arsty people like the ones I see here on a daily basis have such cruel and unfair lives.

Fuck this shit.

 

[exiled]

I really relate to this thread because I also do not want to have to CTB. For me, I could see myself really enjoying my life if my challenges were dialed down. I don't need them to be completely gone but if things would just ease up, I could perhaps find the motivation again. However, there are so many factors in my life that keep kicking me down and it feels impossible to stop drowning; to come up for air.

I do believe there are plenty of people who truly just do not want to live. I lost my best friend to CTB back in September of '21. She was actually a member of SS, which is actually how I found this place. My heart hurts so much knowing I've lost her, especially in this way, but she did not want this life. Nor did she want it for a long, long time.

It is nice to connect with someone on here who does not have the desire to CTB. I would love to get to know you / chat with you to see if we could help each other. It is a tough world out there but it cannot hurt to have someone on your support network that isn't in sheer terror around the concept of CTB.

I know it would be helpful for me - to discuss the dark thoughts that come with wanting to end your life, but still have someone on the other side of it want to fight with and for you. Rough world out there, but hey, maybe we can make it.

 

[NPCaesar]

I can relate to this aswell, I rly dont wanna die tbh, I also want to grow old, have a family and people that love me. But I fear that this will never happen, that I will die alone and disappoint all the people that love me rn, that people say that Iam just some weird ass guy, who never got married and has nobody, that holds him dear.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

some weird ass guy, who never got married and has nobody

Did someone call my name?

 

[venin]

I really relate to this thread because I also do not want to have to CTB. For me, I could see myself really enjoying my life if my challenges were dialed down. I don't need them to be completely gone but if things would just ease up, I could perhaps find the motivation again. However, there are so many factors in my life that keep kicking me down and it feels impossible to stop drowning; to come up for air.

I do believe there are plenty of people who truly just do not want to live. I lost my best friend to CTB back in September of '21. She was actually a member of SS, which is actually how I found this place. My heart hurts so much knowing I've lost her, especially in this way, but she did not want this life. Nor did she want it for a long, long time.

It is nice to connect with someone on here who does not have the desire to CTB. I would love to get to know you / chat with you to see if we could help each other. It is a tough world out there but it cannot hurt to have someone on your support network that isn't in sheer terror around the concept of CTB.

I know it would be helpful for me - to discuss the dark thoughts that come with wanting to end your life, but still have someone on the other side of it want to fight with and for you. Rough world out there, but hey, maybe we can make it.

Well said. I've been solely under water for some time now

I can relate to this aswell, I rly dont wanna die tbh, I also want to grow old, have a family and people that love me. But I fear that this will never happen, that I will die alone and disappoint all the people that love me rn, that people say that Iam just some weird ass guy, who never got married and has nobody, that holds him dear.

I also fear I won't succeed and suffer even worse

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

It's one of the toughest places to be....I'm really sorry..... I used to think that money would make me change my mind on wanting to die.... but living with suicidal ideation for years made me think that money would only buy me some time, some new experiences..... and a good peaceful way to die.....

 

[Dead Already]

It's one of the toughest places to be....I'm really sorry..... I used to think that money would make me change my mind on wanting to die.... but living with suicidal ideation for years made me think that money would only buy me some time, some new experiences..... and a good peaceful way to die.....

In the end, money means nothing, realistically its necessary to survive in this giant fallacy we call life, but at a point it becomes the shackle, not the key. Itself the master and you it's slave.

 

[020x]

Life is fun when you're able to experience all the good sides of it and do what you love. Now if only we all got that same chance and didn't get our lives destroyed, it would've made sense to keep fighting here. But no, it's all random, there is no justice, we're left alone here with unlimited possibilities of harm and pain. That's why it's unfair and I understand why you wished to live a good life but can't and that nothing can be done but to end it. Its just sad that life gives this as the only option to most of us.